I am new, any articles about handling blame and passive aggressive behavior

Hi I am new here, finally I have a site where I can read about the same struggles I experience.  

My partner is smart and puts all his energies into his job and playing on his ipod and computer.  We have two children, one has Asperger's syndrome and is lots and lots of work.  My partner is undiagnosed because any problems are my fault and because he limits what he does ie. very little housework, he plays with the kids but does nothing that takes care of a responsibility etc. If I ask or remind him of a responsibility, he gets angry.  I have written out lists of responsibilities which he does for about a week or less and then the item is neglected again.  What I can't take is that he leaves everything for me to do in order to protect himself and what others think of him and has absolutely no problem letting others think that its me that is unorganized, late etc.  He is a master at implying that its me that is the problem.  When we had two days where there was no arguing because he actually helped, then it was in his words because I wasn't picking fights.  If he cooperates, there isn't any tension, things go smoothly.  I did back off like some of the advise here says but my partner is happy as can be to leave EVERYTHING (including yard work) for me to do. Sometimes he decides to help but not often.  He takes care of his clothes and his job. period.  Then I get exhausted, we loose friends because it only takes a couple of interactions with our family to see the chaos.  My husband has no problem blaming me for the problems ie. lateness disorganization having to buy things (camera, tools) because he looses everything.  Our finances are constantly in shambles because he does things with them with no communication with me.  Just in the last couple of days he applied our tax refund to the lowest interest credit card despite what common sense has to say, when I asked about it, he says Oh ya, I forgot.  He does not communicate. He just acts. I have begun separating my life from his in the past year because I am sick of being blamed.  I think that I am his excuse, if he can get people to think its me and that I make family dinner and shop, do housework etc etc, then he preserves his own respect and integrity with others, while living in a house where the work gets done.  I don't know that I am loved or respected.  I am about to go on a weeks vacation with some girlfriends and our kids.  I need to be able to go to single moms groups because that is where I fit the best. I am going to be seeing a therapist that we both saw a while ago and the therapist totally gets that he blames me.  My partner denies that the therapist thought anything was wrong with him.  Is there any way of addressing this blaming and not taking responsibility, or do I just need to divorce him so others can see how dysfunctional he is?  He has convinced his family that it is me that is the problem, no one really knows him. He never acknowledges any problems.  He has told me that if I file for divorce that he will try to make it out like its my problem.  The only saving grace would be asking the court to do testing on him.  A psychologist sent his family some assessments and they wrote, "I don't remember" on them.  The psychologist said, there is no way to tell if he has ADD, so now he says, "I was tested and its negative"  I would be terribly sad if he allows this to get to the point of divorce.  Any suggestions?  Missy

your issues in dealing with

your issues in dealing with your husband sound a lot like mine in dealing with my very smart 20 year old son who was just diagnosed with add.  there is a way to tell if he has add even if his family doesn't remember so one suggestion is to find another psychologist, perhaps one that uses some sort of brain measuring device (spectrum?).  glad you are going on vacation, taking care of yourself is wise!  my son uses the blame thing because I'm vulnerable there...sounds like you aren't taking on the blame and that's good! See if you can get a copy of the Dr. Phil show on July 9. 2009 -- perhaps it would help your husband to see that other adults have similar challenges and so become more interested in solutions than blame.