found this site after another evening of sobbing on the couch. Been married 4 years, have 2 small kids. Always knew DH had a problem with organization, but never realized the extent of his dysfunction. Just a few pieces of the puzzle I have put together: horrible with finances (after a horrendous and flagrant failure on his part that cost us thousands, I now handle everything related to all our finances, but I can't even get him to give me a bill he has to submit, or give me the name of the dental insurance--we're on his new insurance, etc); reckless /distracted behavior (2 accidents this year, 2 speeding tix); loses things (today's incident, which set off tonight's fight was that he went somewhere with the baby, and left the 150$ stroller on the street and drove off and didn't even realize it, now its gone); quick to flare (often claims he is not angry, but I frequently feel like he is jumping down my throat or badgering me, esp. if I tell him I am upset about something, he turns it on me, goes on the attack); job issues (very smart, charismatic, hired easily, but also fired easily--not even understanding or sensing that he is gong to be fired, which suggests a lack of social awareness); genetic issues (his father has depression and I believe a mental illness, he has an older child (my stepson) with significant executive functioning issues and is significantly learning disabled, now my toddler son exhibits signs of ADD). I am sure I am not contributing to the dynamic because I nag, get upset, cry, yell, and feel resentful and withdraw. A year ago, after begging and pleading (after the 3rd firing in 2 years) he saw a psychiatrist, who put him on ritalin but also stressed cog behavior or ADD coach. DH takes the meds, say they help him at work, but he has never followed up with anything else, and our home life has changed little: while we both work F/T (me more than him--maybe 60 hours a week, often at night since I come home, make dinner, put kids to bed, clean and prep for the next day and then resume work). I do all the finances, planning, cleaning, organization, school applications, mail, doctor's appts, etc, and on top of it I have to deal with his mess ups. Another factor at play is that he snores horribly and (after a year of me begging and yelling) he saw an ENT who gave him an RX do to a sleep study, but he has not done it yet--its been 16 months since his appt and the rx expired, of course). We also dont sleep in the same bed anymore, which is terrible for our marriage. I told him that it made me feel unimportant and he said that he cared--but I likened it to me having a problem that kept me from having sex and refusing to see a doctor for it. How would that make him feel?
I feel desperate but the thing that keeps me from leaving him is that I'm terrified of leaving my kids with him for an extended period of time. Today, in addition to coming home without the stroller, the baby was bleeding from a gash--she had fallen. Falls happen, of course, but give his electronic addiction (he frequently checks email while watching the kids) I have to wonder and I hate that I have that doubt. He admitted to me tonight that he had problems keeping more than one thing in his mind at once, but said that I have to understand that about him and that its not fair for me to get angry about things like the stroller. What he doesn't understand is that its not the stroller, its his willingess to acknowledge that he has a problem, but refusal to do anything about it. He can see it in his son, although even there, he leaves the heavy lifting to his ex, or, now to me, to schedule, make sure homework is done, showers taken, meds taken, etc. It hurts me deeply that he'll surf the web for hours (he has 2 cell phones and thus endless electronic distraction) but will not take 45 min to see a counselor, or 5 minutes to look up the information I need for our finances, etc. He thinks that intention is all that matters--he does't intend to hurt me, so I have no right to being hurt. He doesn't intend to mess up, so I can't be angry, etc.
I have always been an overachiever, capable person, but I am at my limit--exhausted and angry, and filled with resentment. I am worried that I won't be able to recover from these feelings, or put them aside enough to generate positive feelings. He thinks I am overreacting, and that my anger is 'my choice.' of course he's right, perhaps if I were superhuman i could choose not to be angry, but I feel at the same time that he is asking me to give up on any reasonable expectation that he can be a real partner in this marriage.
where do I go from here? how do I deal with these feelings? I feel like I need Al-Anon for spouses of those with ADD.