I have questions about ADHD and need some help reconciling my thoughts and feelings after a 30 year relationship ended 2 months ago.
1) What happens when an ADHD spouse- female, aged 50, doesnt seek therapy/treatment strategies for the ADHD?
2) What happens when said ADHD spouse does not take medication properly, lays off of it on weekends, or misses it?
3) What happens when said ADHD spouse also is a closet drinker and self medicates with alcohol because it 'helps them deal with issues'?
4) What happens when said ADHD spouse and myself also have a 17 year old son that also has ADHD and the ADHD spouse will not help get son proffessional help?
I have a whole lot more to the story, but I am currently trying to reconcile the fallout after the end.
Thanks.
Grieving is hard
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Having left a 20 year marriage to an ADHD partner who refused to deal with the ADHD, I feel your pain. I think once it's over, we have to try to stop focusing on their behavior. We can't change it. Their lives may spiral. They may be just fine and dandy. They may push their child away. They may continue to deny. They may turn to addiction. But it's all up to them - and if we couldn't change things while we had the clout of being a spouse, how can we change it when we don't? Likely without treatment, the ADHD will continue to rule, I would guess, whatever that means for your ex. Unless your ex hits rock bottom and has a reckoning, which you can't predict or control. My ex is good on his own. He likes being responsibility free. A wife and child were too much for him. He only has bandwidth for himself. I'm sad about a lot of his choices in our marriage and after, but I can't change them, even if they're destructive.
If you're like me, slowly you will realize that you should be focusing on yourself instead of them. YOU can heal. You will realize that even though you wish things were different for you and your child, you already fought your hardest for years. You can't change them or what happened, but you can navigate your own path now You can get help for your son ALONE (if he's up for it). You can get help for yourself too, as you grapple with all of this. You need to be asking the "what happens" questions for YOU.
I would suggest allowing yourself to feel all the sadness and anger and whatever else you feel. You're grieving. Find a therapist if you can who is in your corner and can give you support, perspective and strategies for moving forward. It's so hard to go through this, especially with a child. I have a teen too. If I am any example, it gets better. Others on here will share that sentiment too. You deserve a good life and to be the focus for a change.
Yes
Submitted by ShouldaCouldaWoulda on
She was diagnosed with severe ADHD in 2012. She found out after I left the home for 4 months due to the yo/yo dynamic, the constant 180s in moods and thoughts, and the general implications that it was all my fault. Trouble is, she is a high functioning person in a field of work that she has excelled at for 20 years- she has done great on the job other than have issues sometimes and crying episodes, and bringing the work home, both mental anguish and physical workload. When she was what I thought was normal- she had the best disposition, the most caring nature, and made me feel like a million bucks. When she was beside me, I felt like I could whip the world. When she got diagnosed and told me, and we talked extensively, I had no clue what ADHD was except what she told me, that it was an attention thing. So because i put faith in her, I went off what she told me and how to react to her attention deficit...in other words, I trusted my partner new herself bettere than anyone and I trusted she was giving me all the information I needed...when I came back it lasted maybe 2 months at best and went right back to where it was. All I can say is that because I trusted what she told me, and tried to treat things as normal issues, I did EVERYTHING that is suggested NOT to do with someone who has ADHD.,.and 10 years later (two months ago) I found out the hard way...after she left, I started researching it heavily and was astounded by all the stuff I found...
Now I'm taking all these guilt bullets that I fired at myself during the last 10 years with all the no-nos I did, according to what Ive read- ie, the words, the criticism (mostly not mean but trying to explain), the eventual built up anger, the resentment, the contempt and then the giving up for the last month...I did it all.
Guilt
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
If it helps, your reactions were natural human reactions based on the actions of your spouse. It's true that both partners contribute to the ADHD marriage dynamic (that we usually can't stop when we don't know it's happening as in your case), but your awareness may or may not have changed the outcome. In my case, I only discovered the ADHD 10 years in (out of 20). Nothing I did or didn't do at that point changed anything because HE wasn't willing to change anything. He was the one with the ADHD and the problems caused by ADHD were still there regardless of how I reacted. In fact, it caused me great frustration to be the one reading all the tips and making all the suggestions/accommodations and having all the patience while he denied the issues and refused to contribute to improvement. I'm not saying my one-person experience would be the case for you if you had known sooner, but you seem to be up against a similar brick wall in seeking help for your son. Your ex is unwilling to help.
I am just saying I don't know that you deserve the guilt bullets for reacting in an expected way to an unreliable partner. Or one who you described as not adequately treating the ADHD and medicating with alcohol. One who shifted the accountability and blamed you, had 180-degree mood swings, etc. The crux of the focus has to go there. No matter your reactions, those instigating factors at the root of the marriage issues needed addressing.
I am so sorry for the breakdown of your marriage. The biggest of hugs to you.
Thanks for that.
Submitted by ShouldaCouldaWoulda on
I have a lot to think about.
Is it normal.to be left standing in the rubble of what's left, an empty house, little spots all around the place that remind me of the good, and the bad...and to be totally mind screwed wondering what the hell happened?
Thanks for sharing. I'm glad I found this site.