I am second guessing myself...

Hi everybody, and thanks so much for your time and emotional support.  As I stated earlier in my other post, I am not sure what the diagnosis would be for my chronically angry BF, but now that he has been out of the house for a few days, I am starting to worry and feel guilty about my tough love approach of "get therapy or get out!" approach to his problems.   I have had a very hard time caring for our 5 dogs alone the past few days (because of my chronic pain), but I have managed to feed them and keep them from fighting or knocking me down.  BF would get so angry just preparing their meals, which he himself made more and more elaborate, but then would bitch every night when he had to cook the meat, chop it up, cook the rice, let it cool, mix it all up, and  then FINALLY after about an hour, the poor hungry things get to have their dinner.  It became like a tired old worn out mantra that I just quit listening to..."These damned dogs are spoiled, they won't eat regular dog food, I wish we never got so many, and I'm looking forward to when they die off and we only have 1 or 2 dogs."   God, I hate talk like that, like these precious dogs that are part of the family, that their deaths would be a "good thing" or a relief for BF...he said the same thing about my conure, which is a small parrot about the size of a robin.  He was dismayed when I told him her lifespan is 35 years...she is only 17 now...but he would say after she dies, he might finally get some peace in his life....I lost it one day after him grumbling like that all day, wishing for death like that, and I said "you might get some peace if you would shut up saying such awful things!!!"  Of course, he accused me of verbal abuse for my comment. 

I have a bad habit of analyzing everything, and I have tried to bend over backwards to see his point of view, but it is hard, because I have come to the conclusion that our brains are wired differently...I see the world as basically good, while he sees it as a life sentence in hell imposed on him by a cruel god.  I know he was physically and spiritually abused starting as a small child, but I have lost patience with that excuse for his dependence, moodiness, suspicions, anger, and inappropriate behavior...  Even if he was raised by the Manson family (or the Duggar family), his past abuse does not give him the right to repeat it by taking it out on me. He quotes the Bible all the time, even though he says he hates god, and years of this have turned me into an outright, knee jerk atheist...I am so sick of BF having a supreme (evil) being in his mind that is unfair and out to get him...doesn't he realize that if there really IS a god, that BF is no more important than anybody else, and god would not likely take so much of His Holy time to persecute BF...BF is just NOT the center of the universe, but it is very hard to convince BF of that.  He engages in a lot of magical thinking.  When his sister died of cancer while she was divorcing her very physically abusive husband, BF was so convinced he was getting "messages" from her from the other side, that he badgered her poor grieving daughters to get a lawyer to take up the fight against their dad, when his sister's body wasn't even cold yet, BF was screaming at his nieces to fight fight fight their dad, saying they were stupid if they did not do what BF said to do RIGHT NOW, and that their Mom would hate them from beyond if they did not do exactly what BF said, because he actually believed he was getting messages from her after her death.

He has always said he never wanted to have kids because he knew he would carry on his father's abusive behavior on them.  He does not have any children, and has never been married.  I should have seen this as a red flag from day one when I met him at age 48...10 years ago.  If he can see that his father abused him, why won't he seek help???  I have told him it's not his fault.  It seems from my perspective, that BF loves to play the victim and tell the stories to anybody that will listen... so why not tell it all to a therapist and maybe learn some coping skills that do not make everyone around so miserable...Anger does not help...it only alienates me, and then he gets more angry because he can see I'm not going for his bullshit any longer.  It is a very vicious cycle, but I guess he would rather throw me away than face his issues head on.  I am very anxious and angry with myself right now, because I am worried that i might have done the wrong thing, and he might choose to die because of it. He has threatened suicide many times when we would argue, even if it was not a serious argument from my point of view, he would work himself up despite my efforts to calm him, and threaten suicide.

I am questioning myself this morning...did I do all I could do to help him?   I have started to recently lose my temper with him in the last few months, actually yelling and screaming at him to get therapy for his anger, when I regained my strength and ability to walk as I healed from my broken leg....and he can't deal with that even though he would get mad multiple times daily saying how he would like to kill Mr. X or go rape and murder Ms. Y on TV just because he does not agree with them politically, but in contrast  I'm not allowed that to have a bitchy tone in my voice around him... "THAT'S ABUSE!!!" he would say.  So I stuffed it, and just let him run his mouth and create hours long pity parties, listened to him talk about ex girlfriends, old ex friends, abusive relatives, all of it contained not one drop of insight on his part about his possible responsibility in the problems.  Now as i read my first post, I realized that I have not taken any responsibility for our problems, and after reading my own words, I feel sort of like a hypocrite.  I have a lot of chronic pain from arthritis and the fall I suffered over a year ago.  For the first year after my bad fall, BF had to do all of the cooking, all of the housework, gardening, paying bills, laundry, going to the grocery store, feeding the dogs, everything that required any lifting, etc. ON TOP OF all of the other projects he or we started, like the remodeling of the bathroom, and the tremendous upkeep a 106 year old house built on the side of a mountain requires....so i can see how he might be more stressed because it all fell on him after my injury.  He says I only focus on the bad things about him any more, and their may be some truth in that, and I worry what if I am being unfair to him??  Each day, I would wake up in an OK or at least neutral mood, but almost every day, when I would come int the living room with my first cup of coffee to greet him, he would already be in a funk, angry about something he saw on the news or angry about something like what my friends might be saying in my emails.  He does not have good boundaries, and when he felt insecure about me, he would read my emails to see if I was bashing him to my friends.

I know child abuse can scar an adult...I know he had no choice who and how they raised him...I cry inside each time he tells me how when he was 4, and he and his sisters were acting up in the back seat during a family vacation, and his dad took him out of the car, sat him on a curb, and drove away, only around the block, but it is obviously going to cause abandonment issues to anyone who was treated like that...to be thrown away when you're a tiny kid, no wonder he sees my criticisms as unbearable rejection.  I feel so sorry for him, and I have communicated my concern for him, tried to validate his feelings, I tried to give him all sorts of pleasant experiences, like trips and concerts, so that he could have something to take his mind away from memories of abuse and rejection, but nothing seems to work....If we are in a beautiful national park or something, and I mention the beauty of nature, he will respond with something like, "Well if I was the Creator....I would have never made ants or mosquitoes, because they are nasty, they get in your face, they bite you and you break out, and can get a rash....."     Can you guys out there see what I mean?  His mind always looks for the imperfect part of the scene, focuses on it, and endlessly describes all of the potential negatives associated with it, all the while ignoring or not being able to relate to the beauty, the serenity and the joy a day in nature can give your soul, even if there are a few ants at the picnic.  He is very irritated by smells, noises, and light.  He is very picky about what he eats, and has over the years gradually limited his diet to meals that almost exclusively contain bread cheese and beans only, so he lives on Taco bell bean burritos, BUT, each time he orders, he has to tell the worker how to make it, leave out the sauce, leave this out, leave that out, so that there's only beans and shredded cheese NOT nacho cheese....it is always so complicated, the way he places his order for a 7 layer burrito, but then lists the six ingredients he wants to be omitted from his burrito.  It is sort of embarrassing for me to go in there and stand at the counter, take 5 seconds to give my simple order, and then it takes a full 3 minutes or so for him to give his order and explain it all to the poor kid behind the counter, while other hungry customers have to wait a longer period of time because his has to be just right.....welcome to my world.  

Then I second guess myself, thinking I'm being too demanding (he has said i am like a slave driver), that he is just a pitiful abused guy who has quirks, not as bad as some of the monsters I've read about on some of the posts in this forum.  I know I have become much less patient than i was when I first met him, much less willing to hear all of his stories about abuse...after the 20th or 30th time you hear about his dad spanking him when he was 5 and he was laughing instead of crying...the first few times I heard that story, my heart broke for him.  Later, I began to feel hatred for his abusive hypocrite dad, and felt like that son of a bitch had been living right here with us, torturing my poor BF. Now I am starting to go numb, to not feel anything as a defense mechanism to shield myself from more pain.  I can't help but feel resentment for my BF as well as pity, because he doesn't recognize he has any problem, even though he talks about his parents' cruelty and neglect in long stories almost every day, like they are always there with him just under the surface, ready to rare up and rob him of any potential joy.  Well, they are taking my joy now, too, and I went through a lot of therapy to get over my anger associated with my divorce to a cheating airline pilot who gave me STD's and contributed to my heart condition...but my BF's coping skills are so poor, it is hard for me to remember the lessons that were so hard fought for in my own therapy, and I could feel myself slipping into his bleak negative hopeless world, instead of holding on to the progress, stability, happiness, and peace I fought so hard to get back after my divorce.   Please give me some ideas out there.  I'm tempted to call him today to make sure he did not kill himself, even though I know I shouldn't.  Thanks again.