Okay, starting over. Changing my post. Husband has ADHD and mood disorder issues. I have a history of mood disorder issues but no symptoms for years beyond normal responses to my environment. My symptoms were the result of living in a difficult home environment and with time away from that and focusing on healthy living the symptoms have gone away, but my reactions to some things can still be difficult.
We have been married less than three years.
I want to rely on him and I'm pissed that I can't.
Husband was supposed to take care of the rent. We usually automate this to avoid these problems, but this month there was an issue. He told me in a text he'd take care of it after therapy, comes home at bedtime saying he stopped somewhere to get the money order after visiting with friends, and they didn't have money orders, so he just came home. We are late on the rent, which I hate. And he didn't even try to go anywhere else. Nor did he call and tell me he didn't find a place that was open to see what I recommended or wanted. Nor did he keep his word that he would do this after therapy. He waited until he had play time. (But apparently also forgot that he said he'd do it after therapy because he told me that I was making it up. Thankfully I had the text to prove what he'd told me in the first place.)
I do my best to not rely on him in these matters, because the disappointment is so deep, and I get so angry and hurt, and I don't keep it to myself very well. I still have not let go of the expectation that a wife can and "should" depend on a husband, that it is a mutual caretaking experience, that I can let go and relax a little and trust him to pick up the slack. So I try to avoid situations where he will risk letting me down, but I couldn't in this case.
I spent the last 3 days reminding him about this. We cannot blend our finances because he doesn't take responsibility for fixing his finances, and I refuse to do it. So we just keep it separate. But that means I require some participation to keep the house going.
What's worse, is if I raise my voice even from a valid concern like not getting our rent after all this reminding, he shuts down and disappears and just stonewalls. "I won't talk to you like this." So what could have been resolved quickly, wasn't, because he avoids it all. Things were going well the last few days, but we don't do conflicts very smoothly. They drag out because he just wants me to stop being mad.
I don't know if he can't understand, or doesn't try, or what. His level of emotional awareness seems very small. Is that part of ADD also? If I'm happy, he is happy, and if I am unhappy with his choices, he just wants to go away, does not try to understand, often does not want to understand, so nothing changes. That's not fair. He acts emotionally like a child, and learning about ADD I start to wonder if that is actually his brain keeping him from being more mature. I don't want to say that to him because it will add to the list of excuses for why he doesn't follow through.
I am working on not enabling. That means trying to find a balance. I don't want to be demoralizing, but the level of emotion I feel when he doesn't follow through is just really intense. I don't call him names. I try to not intentionally make him feel bad. But I do think I need to be authentic or I will not be able to process my feelings. I will have sooo much resentment to carry around if I just grin and bear it. The problem is he stonewalls, so nothing gets sorted. I end up feeling resentful anyway.
Each let-down hits the same place as all the others, so in spite of my efforts to stay present, to forgive, to focus on the positive, when I do feel let down, it is so intense. It mixes with all the other moments he has let me down. I just don't know what to do with that right now.
Thank you for this space of community for me to try and understand better how to respond to this in a healthy way. He does try to treat me well, he tries to cooperate, he tries to create a happy space with me. He is learning that I am not his maid, and I am not his ex wife who stayed home and did not ask for any help in the house. I expect an equal partnership and generally he tries to give me that. He can be caring and funny and playful. But the realities of trying to navigate a new marriage with ADD symptoms are wearing on both of us. I often have thoughts of "it's not worth it" when he lets me down and I express that disappointment, only to find him disappearing. So now I'm let down and abandoned also. Yay.
This isn't easy but I hope if I educate myself it will get easier. In the meantime I am working on making myself happy regardless of what he is doing.