I am the wife, but why am I always feeling like the "other woman"

I am sooooo hurt, so down today I have to look up to see the bottom!  Yes, I am the non-ADHD'er married to a husband who talks, emails, chat's, text, set up VoiP telephone numbers just to talk to a particular ex-slut (chick) from his past.  We've been married almost 7 years and for ALL 7 of those years, it's always been HER, in our marriage.  If I am not doing something or tending to his needs?  He reaches out to his 'crutch'.  He constantly says it's not cheating because he isn't 'physically' doing anything with her!  Wow..... okay.... I must be in the twilight zone because I feel like I am.  HyperFocus my a**

I am blindsided by this latest contact....I believed him when I thought WE were working on our marriage...silly me!  I feel like such a fool.  I've been crying so much today that my face hurts!


Love shouldn't hurt this much....I've been there since day 1...times when he doesn't even recall...and he betrays me by doing something that I've repeatedly told him would bother me!  Now he says he's done...he's been done with 'this marriage'  ARE YOU SERIOUS?  Been done?  Why the heck are we going to therapy, doing all of this f'ing work when you had it set in your heart and mind that we wouldn't work?  Ugghhhhhh God has to give me strength for me and my boys to get through this.  I've never, EVER been in this much pain before in my life!



Re: so sorry

I KNOW how much crying you're doing. When my husband cheated, left me behind to sell our old house and went off to play "new job, new house, new life with the other woman", I was more devastated than I've ever been in my entire life. (and I've had some hard/hard difficulties before) But, his betrayal and lies were more than I could EVER have imagined. I cried so hard that I would choke. I couldn't listen to music, or watch a movie without crying. I had to stop going to church because all I did was CRY the entire service and people just stared at me. ( I didn't know what to do) I felt like the the "garbage" that was being thrown out of our house, and I felt like I was part of the "trash" my husband was trying to get rid of. (the "old" wife at the "old" house, with the "old" way of life) He didn't want to LOOK at what he was throwing away, he only wanted to see the "newness" of the "new, shiny, fun, toys".

    I wanted HIM and HER to hurt as much as I was hurting, and I was even afraid of the feelings that I was feeling. I WAS SO ANGRY, AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE THE DEPTH OF THE RAGE!! The rage scared me, because I had never felt such anger before. The hurt and anger were hand in hand which went on for several months. We were apart for 2 years. First, because it took a while for me to fix up the house and sell it, and then because my husband "didn't want" me to go down and live in MY OWN NEW HOUSE with him. He wasn't finished "figuring things out". He still has no idea the HELL I went through during that time, and still has not shown any kind of remorse for it all. He just wants it all to "go away", and for us to "work it out". The other woman is now married to someone else and my husband is trying to be a better husband, but the trust is REAL HARD.

    Your husband is treating you and your children HORRIBLY. There is NO WAY ON EARTH that he should be including someone "else" in your marriage. It doesn't matter WHO she is. It is WRONG, and he should NOT be doing it, and he's doing it blatantly in front of you. I am so sorry for your pain.  I had to tell my husband "It's ME or it's HER, you can't have BOTH". (eventually he chose me, but after a WHOLE bunch of pain and damage) I think they loose their minds for a while, but if WE did it, they would kick us to the curb first chance they got. If he is serious about calling it quits, maybe you could talk it over with a therapist in the room. (maybe have him say in in front of the therapist)

    The people in this forum are GREAT, and they have a lot of advice and give tons of support. I'm praying for you Sweetie, and know how you feel, really I do.

Take care.


Keturah's picture


You can't begin to know just how much your concern and sharing your story meant to me. Here I am in the midst of my pain and while reading your response my heart 'hurt' for you. It's an empty, hollow feeling when you marry, let down your guard, and just be free. When I let down my guard, it wasn't to feel this bad! I was really trying to work things out....that's what's so hard to swallow. When we got married, I married him! Not her, not them.....HIM! I am always the strong one, the go to person.....at this point I am tapped out! Cried so much....I feel like I am in a nightmare. And guess what? I still love him....it's today that I wish I could turn off my feelings like a light switch. I try....I've been trying. But seriously, it's just not fair that all that I have thought was sacred between us isn't. Now granted, I'm no where near a perfect wife, but....I am a good one. Do I falter? Of course! Do I regret being there for my husband and trying? Hell no.... But I was trying...working to be the wife that I know that I can be....but I'm not sure its enough for my husband. ADHD? Yes he has that....but it's not all of him! This man has soooo many great qualities...and that's been what has kept me here all these years....simply because I love him. That's it!!!! But as hard as it is....it's not enough! Again....thanks and I need all the prayers I can get.

So familiar...my DH also

So familiar...my DH also connected with someone in his past, someone who was a problem for us only very early in our relationship. When I called him out on his recent contact, he seemed to think it was perfectly ok to invest emotionally with someone long distance. He seemed to have no comprehension of why it is unacceptable to everyone except the two of them. It was a gut kick for sure, though I can't say I was completely surprised, the way things were going for us. But for me (and I thought for him too) it is a NONNEGOTIABLE boundry that requires consequences. Unfortunately it meant that I had to be the strong one (again) to enforce the boundary. I felt like I was being mean, in a way, but knowing it was absolutely necessary to follow through no matter what his reaction would be. If I had let him continue under HIS definition of cheating and merely emoted my the pain it was causing me, he would not find sufficient reason to stop. If I hadn't taken a stand, I ran the risk of being a doormat, and too hurt and emotinally comatose to do anything about it. Now maybe a strong consequence won't work anyway, but at least I knew I had enough respect for myself to stand up for myself.

I am truly sorry you have to experience this kind of pain, especially with your little ones involved, though it is undeniably awful no matter what. Praying for strength for you.

Remembering this bad scene makes me want to ask my DH the next time I speak to him, how he would feel if I wrote similar things to one of my old flames, or even a good male friend, locally or not.