I am your ADD husband. Your husbands point of view.

Hello ladies.

I hope I can get this out before my medication wears off lol.

Where do I start? *pause* Wow.

Story of my life hmm I suppose I will start to how I got to this point. Well first, I am Chris I am 20 years old and in the USAF and have been married for a little under 2 years, my wife is 8 months pregnant and we were in the process of divorce until about a week ago. She left about a month and a half ago to stay with family in Miami until our child was born and I stayed here in Hawaii. Most of you probably found this website whilst searching for support, saw a few testimonies that described your spouse, created a log in name and started writing your story in search of help or understanding am I right?

Of course lol. Well so did your ADD spouse just not quite in that order. I just wanted to write this as an explanation in your spouses point of view so that you may find hope...maybe. So there I was surfing the internet on my phone as always when the idea popped into my head to search "ADD military discharge." So im looking and low and behold I find randomly a story of a pregnant woman who's husband has ADD in the military. Not quite what I was looking for but oh well my attention was grasped and now I am reading accounts of women with ADD husbands. Then I decide that I am going to write this story from my point of view in hopes of explaining my complicated non chronological story. As many of you followed logical steps to write a post I did not. First I got off my phone and transferred to the computer. Second I changed the channel on the tv. Then I checked Facebook on my phone again (with the computer right in front of me, why I don't know? I am actually writing this sentence after I have written "okay" down below in the second paragraph). Then I sat down and attempted to create an account. Fifth I created a sign in name and attempted to sign in. I went to the sign in page and it told me I had the wrong password. Next after entering multiple passwords and clicking the forgot password option I realized that I had never created one. After that I went to my email entered the password provided and signed in. Whoshhhh finally right? Nope. As I began writing the first sentence I noticed that I couldn't write this without my meds and decided it was time to take an adderall if I wanted to accomplish writing this. Then I started writing but not chronologically like most people do but as I am writing I read over everything and start adding pieces I forgot to make things make more sense....unfourtanantly it makes less sense sometimes.

Okay. Now that I'm done revising the last paragraph (hopefully) I can continue to tell you all what I came here to tell you (what was it again? *reads everything again*) Oh it's my side of the story!! Right, I am sure by now you can tell that there is a lot going on in my head and I hope you can understand the magnitude of the difficulty of having ADD and communicating ideas to people. Thoughts are constantly going through my head in which I am motivated to do or say different random things. I know personally that I am a very intelligent person and actually more intelligent than most and can see things that others can't. It is a gift and a curse. To the outside world I might seem like an idiot or a screw up because I always lose things and when I try to talk my ideas come out all jumbled up and out of order. Really we are not doing this on purpose we just try our best to create order in chaos and try to do so with as much dignity as possible. The reason many are opposed to seeking treatment is because we feel if we recognize this "problem" and acknowledge its existence it will be used as an excuse (internally) as to why we can't be normal. Guess what though? Even if I don't say it all the time, the thing I think about most is that I am a screw up and how I've screwed everything up. Really, we understand everything you say about us. Everything you say is thoroughly processed thru our minds and contemplated at a molecular level at some point (almost literally). We don't need anyones help in putting ourselves down because that's just another thing to contemplate about and make us depressed or angry. Some of you might or might not notice that the majority of the time you are nagging us we are quiet or unresponsive or try to pretend like everything is fine. This is because one, we don't want to argue all the time and two because it is really hard to formulate what we want to say back in the moment. You all (very reasonably) claim that we are not listening but actually we are thinking very hard about what you just said along with every other thing that is going on in our world and the rest of the world. This is where the explosions of what looks like unreasonable anger and outburst come from. We are not only defending ourselves but defending our sanity. The impact of "nagging" is not only emotional it is psychological and we are always trying to control the little crazy man in our head that says to do irrational things. Often after I explode I have the need to apologize because I understand that my wife doesn't know the war that is constantly being waged in my head. I have the need to tell both her and my self I am not some sort of retard or maniac. Outburst are usually counter productive.

We don't need someone to point out our issues. We have enough of that from ourselves. We just need someone who is patient and understanding but not always lenient. When I say "not lenient" I don't mean constant reminders and frustrations. I mean when you say to do something now (like a task) convince them to do it at that moment. Routine is good. Patience is needed here because there is an unreasonable amount of forgetfulness that goes on in the realm of an ADD person. People often tell me I should write things down on some sort of list...but it is very easy to forget to write things down. Furthermore it is even harder to remember to read where you wrote it down or even the concept of remembering when or even that you have to read this list of things that you may or may not have remembered to write down in the first place. Don't even start me on keeping a pen for a whole 24 hours. It's really is a lot for ourselves to be patient with our our problems and I understand that it must be ridiculous for you. But there is hope!! Master procrastinators we are. Well at least I am. I call it control under the illusion of chaos. If I say I am going to get something done or taken care of I will wait to the very last minute and do it. This upsets my wife a lot because shes a get things done NOW or the world is going to end type person. This can be often viewed as laziness and in a way it is. I am a, formulate a plot in my head and a second before the world is about to end save it type person. This along with my impulsiveness make me kind of hard to understand. Everyone else seems to have this natural super driving energy and you don't understand how much I would like that. This is why kids with ADD are sooo very smart but don't ever do any work in school. Give us some medication, tiny bit of structure and a little bit of discipline and we can do anything. Having ADD is like knowing how to do most anything without needing to "study" but the downfall is we are distracted by so many things or feel unmotivated to prove ourselves all the time. It's probably all of the unorganized thinking that makes us tired.

Take just a simple stroll down the street for example. In my head I am contemplating the existence of everything around me. I'm looking at a bird and trying to figure out what is going on in his life and where he has migrated to get there. Has the bird ever seen anyone get killed? What does the bird think about it if he did?  Does the bird even know what is going on? How did that deep score in the concrete get there? Look at those tire streaks. Did the people in the car crash" Who was in the car and who were they? Were they drunk? Maybe they had an argument? What were they arguing about? What did that homeless guy do today? Who and where is his family and how did he get that way?

That is just a sample of what is always going on. Often it can be very annoying and I wish I could turn it off and concentrate on just walking and being happy without contemplating what's going on in my body at a chemical and molecular level while I walk and what happiness really is and how other people experience happiness.

Maybe from what I have said you can understand why we sometimes form outlandish conclusions and why we are the way we are. There is hope though. I have recently decided through plenty of contemplation my wife and I are going to build our relationship with God as the center. God can heal all things and provide the structure your family needs. God has shown me to forgive my wife and not always be so over analyzing of every situation and how to be the man I need to be. God provides someone to whom I must answer to when I am being harsh towards my wife. Just be patient please because we are not hopeless.  We don't always mean the things we say. I am telling you now as a man who almost divorced his wife that if you put God at the center of your relationship it will not fail.

 

Jah bless

 

Pbartender's picture

A mental lotto ball machine...

'To the outside world I might seem like an idiot or a screw up because I always lose things and when I try to talk my ideas come out all jumbled up and out of order. Really we are not doing this on purpose we just try our best to create order in chaos and try to do so with as much dignity as possible."

While I'm waiting for my medication to kick in, I just had a completely random image float through my brain that coalesced into an apt description for the ADHD thought process...

It's like having one of those lotto ball machines, or maybe a bingo ball machine, inside your head.  Each little ping pong ball has a thought or an idea or an emotion written across it.  They just keep bouncing around in there and there's no telling when one or a few will pop out...  Plop!  Plop!  Plop!  There's no telling what order they'll pop out in, or if the combination that comes out will line up for BINGO on the scorecard, or match enough numbers on the ticket to hit the jackpot.  Sometimes they do, most of the time, you'd be lucky to have enough to work with to spell out a word on a Scrabble board.

 

Pb.

Thank you so much, Chris, for

Thank you so much, Chris, for sharing this much needed perspective. I have been married to an ADHDer for 20 years but he wasn't diagnosed until last year. Sadly, I have begun the divorce process, but my reasons are more related to addictions which have spiraled out of control the last few years than to his ADHD symptoms.

I was absolutely STYMIED years ago when the explosive outbursts/ withdrawal began to happen and neither of us had a reasonable explanation for it. Now, many years later, I know so much more about ADHD (not only have been married to it for 20 years but also work with kids who have it) and it makes perfect sense to me. Back then, however, my reaction was confused worry (which I think heightened his anxiety), one of his main reactions was guilt/shame, and the reactions of several people around us were, sadly, unsupportive: the classic moral judgement which helps no one. If I could go back in time, I would show your post to my younger self and to all of my family members and tell us all to relax, accept, and support my husband. I urge you to share with your wife what you have shared with us, in as loving a way as possible, to help her to understand what your experience looks like. Melissa's words about our brains working so differently is so true, and I think it's a real challenge for us non-ADHD folks to get a grip on what we're seeing and experiencing.

I knew back then, even through my confusion, that my husband was a good and wonderful person, and that I hadn't been wrong to fall in love with him. Unfortunately, enough people in the world around me are quick to judge someone who is angry and/or withdrawn and/or acts in "strange" ways and/or appears lazy. I found it really really difficult to remember what I know, think and feel, found myself in the middle between my husband and those in our lives who would judge him. More people need to understand what ADHD adults and those who love them go through so that they can be better supported in helpful ways.

Congratulations on your upcoming parenthood and your decision to work things out with your wife - all the best to you!

Thanks for sharing, Chris. I

Thanks for sharing, Chris. I always enjoy hearing things from the ADHD perspective. I'm getting better at understanding what my husband is thinking but I can always try harder.

You are absolutely on the right track regarding God being the center of your relationship. It will make things easier. You will have a lifeline when you want to give up (and believe me you or your wife will) even though you're building towards the future.

God was the only thing that kept me in my marriage. I never felt that He released me from my vows and even through the anger, pain, and bitterness, He helped me to never stop loving my husband. After nearly a year of therapy, we're on fairly solid ground again. Hubby started back to school today--I'm so proud of him.

Best of luck to you, your wife, and soon-to-be child.