I am so happy to have found this forum. I've been reading it for a few weeks now and feel amazed at the bravery and honesty of what I've been reading.
I'm writing because I just asked my H to leave today. I packed up his belongings and told him to call his parents to pick him up. He's gone now. The house is quiet - and I feel sad - but happy.
We've been together for almost 12 years and chose to get married just six months ago. Last year he had a major brain surgery that he didn't want to do. He could have gone blind - but he was willing to ignore the issues he had until I stepped up and started to make some calls for him to get it taken care of. It all happened really quickly. After the surgery it became clear that he had some issues - big ones - we didn't know where to turn. He was crying all the time - I was angry all the time. The neurosurgeon had the attitude that he was walking, breathing and eating he must be okay.
I opened up to my therapist about what was happening and she suggested he get an appointment with a neuropsychologist. Well that turned into a huge deal - he was diagnosed with ADHD, memory loss and host of other issues - executive function, language...it was overwhelming. It still is. But honestly, it made sense. After 12 years of fussing at him about emails, spelling and his inability to bring in any money - it all made sense.
Since his diagnosis things have fallen apart in our home. I know he is depressed. I've tried to get him in therapy - we've tried couples therapy. He's barely contributed to the bills over the last year. He returned to college to finish up his BFA - at my suggestion - but only brings in work study checks to the tune of $200 a month. I've done what I can to do paperwork for him to get on disability - but he's mostly gone - busy and uses his brain as an excuse when I ask him for help. I feel aware the ADHD's get hyper-focused - but to me he's just burning a bridge - his behavior is insulting. If he wants to be in this relationship wouldn't he make some sort of effort to help out? Doesn't he see how much I am shouldering?
We've also been in business together this whole time - but with his diagnosis I am starting to realize that I've been in business this whole time and he's reaped the rewards of my hard work. He was very manipulative - and had a way of belittling me - so I've always thought I wasn't doing enough. I also have a history of childhood sexual abuse and physical trauma. I was diagnosed with PTSD and a mood disorder - so I admit I wasn't totally clear about what was happening - I was always trying to do my best and make enough money to pay for both of us.
I started a full time job this past year - as I mentioned - he's not bringing in much money - and his way of dealing is to do less. For example: I complain about him not helping me pay for the car or car insurance - so he stared taking his bike. I complain about him helping me with my bills and bringing in more money for food - and he'll eat a can of soup for dinner (for the last three nights!) This angers me - because he's not stepping up to do more - he's doing less. He doesn't seem to care about my needs - only his own. What about this relationship we are cultivating? Is this what a marriage is?
His family also has issues - so it makes me sad to send him there. His father is an overweight alcoholic who mumbles mean things under his breath. He made my H collect plastic cups from the stands after baseball games when he was a child. He also stole money from my H pretty consistently for yearly trips to Las Vegas - and kept the game going well into H's adulthood. His mother enables the old man - buys his clothes, cooks his meals and puts up with his mean ways. Over the past 12 years I've only spent one holiday with them - and it was painful. I think my H's father was physically abusive to him as well - but he will not discuss this. Also, over the course of relationship his mother has consistently given him money to help out with bills and stuff. I joke that his family is his part time job!
But what is sad - reading these ADHD forums - learning about executive function - this whole diagnoses brings to light that my H never learned how to take care of himself. He moved from his parent's basement into a space with me. I enabled him by running a business and taking care of everything financially. I remember when he would suggest things that were on the level of his functioning - I fussed at him - I did not understand - I felt embarrassed - I would gloss it over and fix it.
I feel sad that my relationship is ending - but I am happy to have less stress in my life. I guess I hope we can work it out - but I just can't see it now.