Background: we're both 55, no kids, known each other since high school (platonic back then); been together 4+ years, ages 50-55. He asked me to marry him in 2010, though he still flirted seriously with other women. (Disrepsectful to me. This kept up, but at a decreasing rate, for two years. He finally quit that in 2012, when I enforced my boundaries in a LOT of areas.)
He has SO many ADHD symptoms, as well as something akin to adult ODD, but refuses to be diagnosed. He has an addictive past, and (before I re-met him) went through both court-ordered anger management classes, and a residential addiction program. He's not sober now, some light drinking (1 -2 beers when out - which is nearly every night - he's a semi-pro musician, with a day job as well.) Quit smoking at my ultimatum in 2012. I refuse to care for someone later, who kept right on smoking at his age!
We both do professional creative work, me in film and video, him as a musician, and we also both work non-creative day jobs as needed. (I made him get day work when his music just wasn't paying his share of the bills. He put up a fight, but now he's glad he has his day work as a handyman. one of his ADHD symptoms/stims is workaholism.)
So, after letting my fiance' live with me for 4 years (and helped turn his life around from a total mess, legally, financially, health, etc - which he knows and appreciates) while he cleaned up a divorce from an old Vegas/green card marriage ... on Sept 1st he suddenly said "I never wanted to get married."
So I said, "then you need to move out by Oct 1st, because I did not sign up for a live-in boyfriend." He called my bluff, but found out on Oct 1st that I was perfectly serious. I was no longer afraid of his threats to leave me, and I scheduled clearing out our storage unit and moving him out. He says/jokes that I kicked him out, but then admits he knows "it didn't just come out of nowhere." Basically, I wanted to make sure I wasn't just being conveniently used for my cool apartment and ersatz "parenting" (which I was trying to avoid doing).
Oct 20th, and he's still here. He's cleared most of his things out of storage, found a place to share with a newly, badly-divorced friend, and paying me pro-rated rent. Two weeks ago, when I said I felt like we were "being torn apart," he tearfully said he "didn't want to lose me," "would still be my life partner," and "was so sorry for all of this." I know he doesn't want to leave, but a part of him also thinks this will be good (?) He thinks we'll be the same, just living separately.
What I want is CHANGE. I know he loves me, despite his ADHD, fear of intimacy, drama, etc. I know I can't change him, but I'm willing to take the risk, and step back, let him truly live on his own again, Untreated ADHD/ODD style. ;) I'm curious as to whether and how this can improve, if at all.
We're getting along great now, but I suspect it's some form of honeymooning, plus his manipulative skills are well-honed: Before me, I learned that he had quite a string of very needy , very willing enablers who gave him jobs, shelter, cars, clothes, money, and of course sex - then of course he'd leave them, and bounce on to something new. I made him pay me rent and expenses, do his share of the chores, and help work on my cabin in the desert.
His M.O. is that: he'll only just do "up to" what is expected / fair/ the least he needs to do. So I'm practicing asking for what I want, and enforcing my boundaries, which I see I've been lax at from the beginning, esp regarding his general sarcastic disrespect.
I accept that he'll always be ADHD/possibleODD, plus his other issues (fear of intimacy / very neglected childhood). It's tricky, but I think to thrive and not just survive in this, I need to have excellent non-ADHD spouse skills, as well as enforce my boundaries in an organic way.
I work in film & video, and do day jobs as needed. I have lots of creative interests, but I tend to like my own company a lot - I don't just socialize for the sake of socializing... I'm picky ;) I do plan on adding Underearners Anonymous meetings, possibly CODA, and ADHD spouse meet-up, and dance classes. I alredy swim, bike, walk, write, video edit, sew, and go to farmers markets. Also re-habbing a cabin in the desert, which my ex-fiance ' still helps me with.
Does any of this sound familiar? Open to all feedback, both ADHD and non-ADHD ... especially: how to undo / re-tool / disenage from the "parent/ child" dynamic, as well as avoiding "flooding" him - and rebuilding MY own life, identity, interests!
Tonight may be his first night sleeping over at his divorced friend's place. I know it will be hard for me, but I really feel he was just "too comfortable" here at my place, with no reason to change.
PS - his divorce will soon be final - he finally hired a paralegal to wrap it up - at my insistence 4 months ago.
Cheers, and Thanks
Good luck...I don't know how to move from parent child relations
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Just wanted to add to my post above......
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
My H views any kind of my "backing off" from "parenting" him as some kind of "mean" statement or "loss of love". If were to tell him that he needed to do his own laundry, he wouldn't view it as "hey, I'm an adult, I should do that." NO, he would view it as, she must not love me because if she did, she'd want to do my laundry.
I think ADHD, self-esteem, and some other issues (depression, anxiety) are all tied up together.
Communication + Tough Love
Submitted by JewelD on
Hi OverwhelmedWife,
That's an interesting take on it - I'm sure there's some truth to it. Though I will say that throwing Hubs out did some good. He couldn't stand it, but best of all, he got the message that I was serious, that I was done with his BS, and that I was perfectly willing (and preferred) to live without it. He's been trying very hard to listen, and most important - to change his actions (pitching in more, especially.) He's even getting the pint that other people's feelings matter, that it's no excuse that whatever(selfish thing) he did was OK. It's nearly "normal" around here these days. Even the holidays went off without drama, which was major.
I'm not sure if you're in the position to do that, but I would encourage you to communicate what you need, how you feel about those needs, and that they're equal to his needs. The parent-child problem is basically that their needs get met, but yours don't. Even if you need to write it in a note to them, do it.
One of the things I did was write down how Hubs saw things, versus how they really were. Many people do this as a note, but I made mine a piece of art, mostly to avoid being labeled a nagging note-leaver. I also thought it looked friendlier. I wrote it on different colored markers, in a circle, like a labyrinth, with a little flower in the middle. I the middle was: "what Hubs says" (the crazy, nasty stuff.) Then, continuing outward, I wrote: "How I really am" - and there was all the nice stuff about me, such as thoughtful, kind, loving, etc. I posted it on the kitchen cabinet without a word. It was up for weeks & seemed to help a lot.
So what I mean again is - maybe try communicating reality, what needs to happen - that you still love him, but that he needs to demonstrate HIS love by helping meet your needs (and respect) too. And if the carrot doesn't work, combine it with the stick of separation - sometimes that's what it takes. Sometimes you need to exercise your power, esp when they're walking all over you. ADHD is not a free pass to abuse or disrespect someone.