I asked him to move out - and other boundaries (he's untreated, ex-fiance)

Background:  we're both 55, no kids, known each other since high school (platonic back then); been together 4+ years, ages 50-55.  He asked me to marry him in 2010, though he still flirted seriously with other women. (Disrepsectful to me.  This kept up, but at a decreasing rate, for two years.  He finally quit that in 2012, when I enforced my boundaries in a LOT of areas.) 

He has SO many ADHD symptoms, as well as something akin to adult ODD, but refuses to be diagnosed.  He has an addictive past, and (before I re-met him) went through both court-ordered anger management classes, and a residential addiction program.  He's not sober now, some light drinking (1 -2 beers when out - which is nearly every night - he's a semi-pro musician, with a day job as well.)  Quit smoking at my ultimatum in 2012.  I refuse to care for someone later, who kept right on smoking at his age!


We both do professional creative work, me in film and video, him as a musician, and we also both work non-creative day jobs as needed.  (I made him get day work when his music just wasn't paying his share of the bills.  He put up a fight, but now he's glad he has his day work as a handyman.  one of his ADHD symptoms/stims is workaholism.)

So, after letting my fiance' live with me for 4 years (and helped turn his life around from a total mess, legally, financially, health, etc - which he knows and appreciates) while he cleaned up a divorce from an old Vegas/green card marriage ... on Sept 1st he suddenly said "I never wanted to get married." 

So I said, "then you need to move out by Oct 1st, because I did not sign up for a live-in boyfriend."  He called my bluff, but found out on Oct 1st that I was perfectly serious.  I was no longer afraid of his threats to leave me, and I scheduled clearing out our storage unit and moving him out.  He says/jokes that I kicked him out, but then admits he knows "it didn't just come out of nowhere."  Basically, I wanted to make sure I wasn't just being conveniently used for my cool apartment and ersatz "parenting" (which I was trying to avoid doing).

Oct 20th, and he's still here.  He's cleared most of his things out of storage, found a place to share with a newly, badly-divorced friend, and paying me pro-rated rent.   Two weeks ago, when I said I felt like we were "being torn apart," he tearfully said he "didn't want to lose me," "would still be my life partner," and "was so sorry for all of this."  I know he doesn't want to leave, but a part of him also thinks this will be good (?)  He thinks we'll be the same, just living separately.

What I want is CHANGE.  I know he loves me, despite his ADHD, fear of intimacy, drama, etc.  I know I can't change him, but I'm willing to take the risk, and step back, let him truly live on his own again,  Untreated ADHD/ODD style.  ;)  I'm curious as to whether and how this can improve, if at all.

We're getting along great now, but I suspect it's some form of honeymooning, plus his manipulative skills are well-honed:  Before me, I learned that he had quite a string of very needy , very willing enablers who gave him jobs, shelter, cars, clothes, money, and of course sex - then of course he'd leave them, and bounce on to something new.   I made him pay me rent and expenses, do his share of the chores, and help work on my cabin in the desert. 

His M.O. is that: he'll only just do "up to" what is expected / fair/ the least he needs to do.  So I'm practicing asking for what I want, and enforcing my  boundaries, which I see I've been lax at from the beginning, esp regarding his general sarcastic disrespect.

I accept that he'll always be ADHD/possibleODD, plus his other issues (fear of intimacy / very neglected childhood).  It's tricky, but I think to thrive and not just survive in this, I need to have excellent non-ADHD spouse skills, as well as enforce my boundaries in an organic way.

I work in film & video, and do day jobs as needed.  I have lots of creative interests, but I tend to like my own company a lot - I don't just socialize for the sake of socializing... I'm picky ;)     I do plan on adding Underearners Anonymous meetings, possibly CODA, and ADHD spouse meet-up, and dance classes.  I alredy swim, bike, walk, write, video edit, sew, and go to farmers markets.  Also re-habbing a cabin in the desert, which my ex-fiance ' still helps me with.

Does any of this sound familiar?  Open to all feedback, both ADHD and non-ADHD ... especially: how to undo / re-tool / disenage from the "parent/ child" dynamic, as well as avoiding "flooding" him - and rebuilding MY own life, identity, interests!

Tonight may be his first night sleeping over at his divorced friend's place.  I know it will be hard for me, but I really feel he was just "too comfortable" here at my place, with no reason to change.  

PS - his divorce will soon be final - he finally hired a paralegal to wrap it up - at my insistence 4 months ago.

Cheers, and Thanks