hello !

In my other post I wrote about how I moved from Mexico to the Netherlands to be with my partner ... and how in this 9 months of been here have been a nightmare. 

The last 2 weeks have been very like sad and not positive at all. He mostly spend most of the time in his room usually for listen music and sleep. During the day I try to study dutch by myself (because the schools are quite expensive right now for our budget), walk with the dog and cook for dinners. Sometimes during the mornings we share coffee and breakfast together ... that mostly depends if he is awake. Otherwise I do my things on my own. However, this tuesday one of the therapists came to visit him (he gets the visit 2 times per week) and he noticed how he was more like attacking and not open to listen and blame me. One of the things he said is that "she cares too much for me if I eat or not" .. of course, I felt sad because I truly believed I was doing something good for him. During these 9 months, I believed that a good combination of enough rest/sleep + good food + his skills therapy + his medicines was the good equation in order for him to be "fine" ... but i was wrong. I kind of explained how I also feel and even the therapist said "i dont think he really realizes he can lose you" .. 

Next day he was completely sad and crying that he didnt want to lose me and not break up. However I still tell him in the best calm way .. I need time for me, I need time to process these 9 months, I need to be with my family and I also need help for myself. I dont picture myself anymore having children with you if the situation is like it is now nor growing and becoming older together. I cant picture it anymore. I asked him to please do what he knows works for him and dont screw it again. 

Yet he blames that sometimes is because he gets the wrong medicines or it is someone else's fault ... the therapist told me in private "if he doesnt recognize that he is the one who is screwing himself, nothing will help him no matter how much support he has" ... and that is sad and I wish he could see it and understand it but he has been on his own for a very long time, he was never diagnosed as a child and he is stubborn and do what he wants ... 

I feel sad because I love him and I truly want the best for him ... but I dont want be drained in the process. I still have to love myself otherwise I will end up very bad. Reading the experiences from all of you has helped me to realize that this is not a "take this pill everyday" but more like everyday is a challenge ... but at the same time, I dont see myself with someone that can also blame his own disease instead of recognizing his mistakes like taking overdoses of medicines because he thinks is right in that moment.