In my other post I wrote about how I moved from Mexico to the Netherlands to be with my partner ... and how in this 9 months of been here have been a nightmare.
The last 2 weeks have been very like sad and not positive at all. He mostly spend most of the time in his room usually for listen music and sleep. During the day I try to study dutch by myself (because the schools are quite expensive right now for our budget), walk with the dog and cook for dinners. Sometimes during the mornings we share coffee and breakfast together ... that mostly depends if he is awake. Otherwise I do my things on my own. However, this tuesday one of the therapists came to visit him (he gets the visit 2 times per week) and he noticed how he was more like attacking and not open to listen and blame me. One of the things he said is that "she cares too much for me if I eat or not" .. of course, I felt sad because I truly believed I was doing something good for him. During these 9 months, I believed that a good combination of enough rest/sleep + good food + his skills therapy + his medicines was the good equation in order for him to be "fine" ... but i was wrong. I kind of explained how I also feel and even the therapist said "i dont think he really realizes he can lose you" ..
Next day he was completely sad and crying that he didnt want to lose me and not break up. However I still tell him in the best calm way .. I need time for me, I need time to process these 9 months, I need to be with my family and I also need help for myself. I dont picture myself anymore having children with you if the situation is like it is now nor growing and becoming older together. I cant picture it anymore. I asked him to please do what he knows works for him and dont screw it again.
Yet he blames that sometimes is because he gets the wrong medicines or it is someone else's fault ... the therapist told me in private "if he doesnt recognize that he is the one who is screwing himself, nothing will help him no matter how much support he has" ... and that is sad and I wish he could see it and understand it but he has been on his own for a very long time, he was never diagnosed as a child and he is stubborn and do what he wants ...
I feel sad because I love him and I truly want the best for him ... but I dont want be drained in the process. I still have to love myself otherwise I will end up very bad. Reading the experiences from all of you has helped me to realize that this is not a "take this pill everyday" but more like everyday is a challenge ... but at the same time, I dont see myself with someone that can also blame his own disease instead of recognizing his mistakes like taking overdoses of medicines because he thinks is right in that moment.
This dynamic (along w/ others) must be understood for ur peace..
Submitted by c ur self on
( One of the things he said is that "she cares too much for me if I eat or not" .. of course, I felt sad because I truly believed I was doing something good for him. During these 9 months, I believed that a good combination of enough rest/sleep + good food + his skills therapy + his medicines was the good equation in order for him to be "fine" ... but i was wrong. I kind of explained how I also feel and even the therapist said "i don't think he really realizes he can lose you" ..)
What acceptance is, when it comes to someone who lives like your husband, and many of our spouses here on this site is, never try to think for them at any time, under any circumstance...There is no ability with in them to be under control of life discipline's (at your level)...Like work habits...sleep habits....meal times....and that goes on and on for many....Spending, emotional stability etc....
Never get up and cook your breakfast and ***Think they should be there beside you***,,, because they do not feel that way...If you see bad circumstances happening in there lives, because they can't think or discipline their lives (sleeping times, running late, going to work hungry, penalties for lack of financial discipline, tax filing issues because of unconcern, etc. etc...) If you want speak one word of awareness about THEIR life, and their habits...(No matter how bad, or chaotic you perceive their life style to be, in your eyes)
This type boundary, is the only way for him to be protected from your constant mothering attempts......And for you to be protected from his chaotic and undisciplined life style....Also you should have other boundaries in every area of life, that he has showed you, by his actions, that he can't be trusted...
Now you maybe thinking ***What kind of marriage is that!*** I will tell you, it's the kind you and I are in...(and many more here)....You also have to stand up for yourself, and your boundaries...And example of what I'm telling you here is....There is fallout many times.....An undisciplined spouse who want get up, and get going, (that you've learned to ignore, and respect their rights to live like they choose) may walk into the kitchen on rare occasions and see you finishing a nice breakfast or enjoying ur hot tea or coffee....And pop out some kind of victim statement...Never reply or fall for it (your not a mind reader, never place pressure on yourself, for his lack of discipline)....(Just always smile, and remember what you both know, its him who is choosing his undisciplined life style) If he ever changes, it want be because you start a fight pointing out as bad, the things he likes for his life...Also if he ever changes, it want because you enabled/mothered him...The only things I can do to influence my spouse in a positive manner, when it comes to her undisciplined and chaotic life style...Is; pray for her, accept it's her life to live, respect her right to live it; never make it my life; and quietly allow her to see me live a life of responsibility and discipline...That's it!!
If her life becomes abusive or intrusive enough...Or if I decide i'm done being patient w/ the abandonment...(failing to do the work of the marriage)....Then I will get away from her, and move on...But, learning to hate each other, and stay at each others throats emotionally, just because there is no desire or ability to have a healthy marriage attachment, only please's one person....Satan....
You like us all will have to choose....Choose wisely, based on truth and reality, is all I can add....
blessings pinkie...I will pray for you...
Submitted by sickandtired on
She’s not married to him. She had been in a 13 year long online relationship with him, with only a few weeks of in-person visits during all of those years.
Submitted by pinkiemartini on
I am religious married in January.
Oh I’m sorry
Submitted by sickandtired on
Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you married him.
And since January of this
Submitted by pinkiemartini on
And since January of this year I am living with him because the visa was authorized.
I don't have many years married like the majority here .. but now is when I started to research more about his situation because when we visited the only complaint he had was that having problems with sleeping. And he seems more positive when he was in Mexico than now that he is here. Here is like he automatically changed his mental chip and back to where he was.
It may be hyper-focus...
Submitted by c ur self on
If you aren't aware of hyper-focus, it's like severe tunnel-vision...People with it have a very hard time seeing the big picture of life, during those times...And it can happen just about time and about anything. When our oldest son announced his wedding date....I had no wife for the six months leading up to it ( for most practical purposes)....Her whole attention turned to, her weight, (dieting) her dress, (she shopped dozen's of times) decorations for the rehearsal dinner...etc. etc....I don't even know how she made it through the day at work....It's not that the things she does are bad things, it's just that the rest of life stops for the most part, I ceased to exist, worse than usual ;)...LOL....might as well laugh about (instead of cry) it's just her reality.....
That dynamic is what really makes life tough on a spouse...It's a catch 22....If you patiently wait on them to show effort (aggressive healthy engagement) in the marriage...You may spend many day's (weeks) without any marital fellowship....And if you start the dynamic of doing all the pursuing and reminding (which is what usually happens for most of us) them about their responsibilities...That usually is bad...It produces mothering...It produces manipulation and control attempts...It enhances frustration levels....
I've found it's better in my marriage to discipline my self to just be patient if I can....Anything that creates frustration, stress or anxiety in me, is my signal to walk away and pray (I hope someday I master it)....If you or I (anyone) have a wife or husband, that we have to run behind and point out what they need to give attention to (their responsibilities) and what they should be making important....We don't have a spouse...And if we have to remind them of our importance in the marriage, we don't need them...We were created to be much more valuable than that ....They should move on....But most want...Why leave a gravy train....If they leave, then they would have to go to work...
Submitted by repeat that please on
Hello Ms. Pinkie,
You are fluent in 3 languages? That is amazing. That suggests you have the mental faculties to accomplish much. Best to you!