I can live with alot - but not this...

I could live with alot...I can put up with alot. I can cope with a messy house, I can cope with the forgetfulness, I can actually love the sudden changes in plans.  I can forgive the forgotten chores.  All pretty easily, small stuff really.  I can give support and encouragement, and help with anything he wants and needs.


What I cannot live with is the apathy.  The constant eggshells of "I might leave you, but I haven't decided".  The underlying threat that if he feels unhappy or upset for any reason, it will all unwind and he will leave.  The willingness to run away and bail on me when *I* need him most.  It doesnt even matter to him if I sink or swim as long as he can get away from it.  The feeling that I have not and never will measure up to what he feels he wants.  He has already decided that I am *not* it.  And it would not matter if I morphed into all the other women he told me were so perfect and ideal in the past, it would in the end still be me, and I am not enough.


I am learning to be ok with it.  But its not easy.  Some days i am filled with rage that helps me push through, and that reminds me of what will be when I keep the focus on me and my new life.  Other day, I just want to lay down and cry.  Guess what kind of day today is?   Maybe its my mom's urn coming home yesterday, maybe its just memories flooding me all day.  I don't know.  But I know it will pass, and I will have other, more frequent good days.


He is going to a party tonight at mutual friends.  I am really glad he is going, hopefully being around happy people will make him happy.  Maybe I am jealous that I wont go (its my choice, I am caring for my sweet little dog who has begun the process of dying, and i refuse to leave his side).  Who knows.  But I am going to make my favorite food tonight, pay bills (that arent already handled by him), sit with my little dog, look at pinterest and imagine all the great things I am going to do in a very short amount of time.