I cant deal with him anymore

im sittng here crying, i cant do this anymore.

i have been dealing with my adhd partner for years. i feel, lost, hopeless and i see no light at the end of the tunnel. he has well and truly broken me. i sat in a cafe and bawled my eyes out today, i ddint care who was watching. the energy that goes into this relationship has well and truly drained me. for the last few years i have put up with his extreme mood swings, angry outbursts for the silliest things, some physical violence (not anything extreme mainly pushing/shoving/grabbing but due to his size there was no way i could defend myself), laziness,, emotional abuse and controlling behaviour the endless apologies and promised to change. we broke up for quite a while but for some silly reason i gave him another chance. alot of his issues are from his ADHD but he is also emotionally abusive. 

some things that set him off today - he has a very bad habit of sleeping through his alarm, not setting it, or his phone dying during the night. this morning apparently his alarm didnt go off so he missed work. usually i get abused for this as he thinks ive woken up and turned his alarm off. instead of saying he screwed up and slept in he has to shift the blame to me. luckily today i fell asleep in my daighters bed so i coudlnt get blamed for it. he was very angry about it but i didnt say a word. then we were going to lunch before a school assembly and he suggested going to a cafe about 15 mins in the opposite direction. no problems, we left a bit early and the cafe had run out of a few dishes as they were leaving for a 2 week break the next day. he blew up about that, so i went through all the stuff they had left (3/4 of the menu) and suggested things because we were already there and he started swearing, carrhying on that he didnt want to pay top dollar for this shit. it was a lunch menu so very cheap mind you. we ended up leaving.  then he kept asking what i wanted and suggested that i was whinging about the cafe. i raised my voice because i couldnt believe what i was hearing and said i was happy to eat there, you were the one behaving like a baby. he screamed so loud in my face. stop fucking screaming at me! i dont think i could ever scream that loud if i tried. straight away i was frightened so i instantly closed up, didnt say a word again. when we got near the school i got out of the car and told him to leave me alone i was going to have a coffee by myself. he followed me to the cafe and ordered food for us and it was nearly triple the price of the first cafe. 


every day its something. he complains about not having sex and then when i say 'do you not remember how you acted towards me this morning, why would i want to' this is usually him calling me a nasty name or getting upset over something stupid. he'll say that im holding a grudge from something he did 2 weeks ago. um no, you are nasty to me every day! 

he doesnt ever hekp with the kids unless i get really upset. ill be cookig dinner, dealing with a crying baby, trying to bathe and sort out the other one. he'll sit there on the computer reading his facebook. he does nothing around the house, if i do ask him for something simple like taking out the bins i have to practically beg him on bin night and it ends up in a massive fight. i refused to do it for a few weeks and even had to wake him up at 4 in the morning when i heard the trucks for him to do it. if i ask him to put his shoes away he blows up at me. tells me im lazy, and that he has to do everything around the house. i have a rule here that if you cook, you clean up. only because as most adhd partners would undesrstand the kitchen looks like a bomb hit it after cooking a simple thing. i usually give in., the other day i didn't and wow what a tantrum. i got called every name under the sun, accused of sleeping all day, not feeding the kid, being lazy and so on. he got very frightenign with the yelling again. this is all while the 2 kids are in the house.

the inside of our house is clutter free, and always tidy apart from the kids mess. outside is disgusting. he has tools, materials, crap that he things hes going to resell for more money but it ends up getting rusty and yuck because he doesnt take care if anything, you cant even get into the shed. the lawn is unkempt. i have asked if we can hire someone to fix it up be is always going to fix it. yet he never does. i clean and tidy up outside, throw stuff out \only for it to be replaced with mnore crap.

i can honestly say my life was so much easier and stress free when i was single. i need to leave but fuinanciallhy it seems to be impossible at this stage. thats anothing thing. he earns quite a decent wage yet he has no savings. he buys stupid shit we dont need all the time. i scrape by every week, never buy things for myself and he can walk into a store and drop 200 on something silly. like a pool cue. we dont have a pool table and he barely plays. then he says i dont let him have hobbies. he is out drinking all the time, he doesnt have hobbies because he is always too hungover., actually he has a new hobby every months and he has to spend money on it for him to not be interested a month later. 

argh! i cant fucking deal