im sittng here crying, i cant do this anymore.
i have been dealing with my adhd partner for years. i feel, lost, hopeless and i see no light at the end of the tunnel. he has well and truly broken me. i sat in a cafe and bawled my eyes out today, i ddint care who was watching. the energy that goes into this relationship has well and truly drained me. for the last few years i have put up with his extreme mood swings, angry outbursts for the silliest things, some physical violence (not anything extreme mainly pushing/shoving/grabbing but due to his size there was no way i could defend myself), laziness,, emotional abuse and controlling behaviour the endless apologies and promised to change. we broke up for quite a while but for some silly reason i gave him another chance. alot of his issues are from his ADHD but he is also emotionally abusive.
some things that set him off today - he has a very bad habit of sleeping through his alarm, not setting it, or his phone dying during the night. this morning apparently his alarm didnt go off so he missed work. usually i get abused for this as he thinks ive woken up and turned his alarm off. instead of saying he screwed up and slept in he has to shift the blame to me. luckily today i fell asleep in my daighters bed so i coudlnt get blamed for it. he was very angry about it but i didnt say a word. then we were going to lunch before a school assembly and he suggested going to a cafe about 15 mins in the opposite direction. no problems, we left a bit early and the cafe had run out of a few dishes as they were leaving for a 2 week break the next day. he blew up about that, so i went through all the stuff they had left (3/4 of the menu) and suggested things because we were already there and he started swearing, carrhying on that he didnt want to pay top dollar for this shit. it was a lunch menu so very cheap mind you. we ended up leaving. then he kept asking what i wanted and suggested that i was whinging about the cafe. i raised my voice because i couldnt believe what i was hearing and said i was happy to eat there, you were the one behaving like a baby. he screamed so loud in my face. stop fucking screaming at me! i dont think i could ever scream that loud if i tried. straight away i was frightened so i instantly closed up, didnt say a word again. when we got near the school i got out of the car and told him to leave me alone i was going to have a coffee by myself. he followed me to the cafe and ordered food for us and it was nearly triple the price of the first cafe.
every day its something. he complains about not having sex and then when i say 'do you not remember how you acted towards me this morning, why would i want to' this is usually him calling me a nasty name or getting upset over something stupid. he'll say that im holding a grudge from something he did 2 weeks ago. um no, you are nasty to me every day!
he doesnt ever hekp with the kids unless i get really upset. ill be cookig dinner, dealing with a crying baby, trying to bathe and sort out the other one. he'll sit there on the computer reading his facebook. he does nothing around the house, if i do ask him for something simple like taking out the bins i have to practically beg him on bin night and it ends up in a massive fight. i refused to do it for a few weeks and even had to wake him up at 4 in the morning when i heard the trucks for him to do it. if i ask him to put his shoes away he blows up at me. tells me im lazy, and that he has to do everything around the house. i have a rule here that if you cook, you clean up. only because as most adhd partners would undesrstand the kitchen looks like a bomb hit it after cooking a simple thing. i usually give in., the other day i didn't and wow what a tantrum. i got called every name under the sun, accused of sleeping all day, not feeding the kid, being lazy and so on. he got very frightenign with the yelling again. this is all while the 2 kids are in the house.
the inside of our house is clutter free, and always tidy apart from the kids mess. outside is disgusting. he has tools, materials, crap that he things hes going to resell for more money but it ends up getting rusty and yuck because he doesnt take care if anything, you cant even get into the shed. the lawn is unkempt. i have asked if we can hire someone to fix it up be is always going to fix it. yet he never does. i clean and tidy up outside, throw stuff out \only for it to be replaced with mnore crap.
i can honestly say my life was so much easier and stress free when i was single. i need to leave but fuinanciallhy it seems to be impossible at this stage. thats anothing thing. he earns quite a decent wage yet he has no savings. he buys stupid shit we dont need all the time. i scrape by every week, never buy things for myself and he can walk into a store and drop 200 on something silly. like a pool cue. we dont have a pool table and he barely plays. then he says i dont let him have hobbies. he is out drinking all the time, he doesnt have hobbies because he is always too hungover., actually he has a new hobby every months and he has to spend money on it for him to not be interested a month later.
argh! i cant fucking deal
Submitted by jennalemone on
You are a financial hostage. I am so sorry. You are me 40 years ago. I hope you find strength for yourself and your children. I cried and cried for years, feeling so vulnerable and forsaken. It is not a good way to live for your health and you need to keep your physical and mental health. Find the strength and the acceptance of your situation and find some financial options. Talk to a lawyer, for free, to get an accurate picture. Talk to a financial guy, for free, to get that accurate picture. Talk to any friend or relative to get an accurate picture of your situation. You may be thinking that being with your children is more important than working full time and having babysitter. But, it seems finances are imprisoning you - as they did to me. He seems to think that his earning power gives him power over you and his freedom to drink while you take care of things. You are also buying into that. To some people, money is power. Not all people. For you, my dear, lack of your own money is your prison keeper. Please, stop crying and find your own power back. You don't need to try to verbally win any arguments. Let him be and just listen to his words he is telling you who he is. Just listen, don't react with feelings. You just have to have your own dignity and outside support because it seems your H only knows of one way to give your support...money. Get out from under the oppression you are in.
You may also be, like I was, an empath who is/was in love with romance and happy endings. Easily drawn into the drama that difficulty whips you around with. A sensitive person who revels in feminine, loving, caring picture of herself. That could only work if your mate were a sensitive, doting spouse. Not for us who find ourselves with the wonderment of "Now I gotta be the strong one?"....this is not sexy to us but it is the truth and the needed maturity is not our strong suit. I am just commiserating with you and letting you know the path I took and trying to share my history and appreciation for your predicament.
Submitted by Sally_87 on
thanks jenna. i most certainly am. its so frustrating and hard. i can easily find a job during the day however id have to put both the kids in daycare as he wont help with the cost so will wipe out what i was to earn. i also looked for some night work but he said he wont look after the kids as hes tired from work and doesnt want to deal with it. even though he can go to the pub a few nights a week and stay out all night.
last night he came home very late, the kids were in bed and i told him i wanted to go and grab some nappies from the 24hr store. 5 minutes later he said hes going back out and went back to the pub. so selfish. i could have got them and come back and then he could have left but that would be thinking about someone else other than himself.
today he has been hungover all day and has been asleep. he woke up to get something to eat then went back to sleep. i couldnt be bothered cooking for me and the little one so i went and got some takeaway chicken and chips. i didnt wake him as i was worried he would wake up in a disgusting mood and also that he would be watching the kids while i went to get dinner and fall back asleep. . he ended up waking up an hour after we finished dinner (i had plenty leftover saved for him) and he got really angry that i didnt wake him. told me im a fuckwit and stupid because now he has cold dinner. so it is basically my fault that he went out drinking lst night and was so hungover he had to sleep for nearly 20 hours straight and missed dinner. apparently this is why our relationship is shit, because im selfish and stupid.
i put uo wuth stuff like thius on a daily basis. i think im doing the right thing to not set him off and feels like whatever i do i cant win. its so lonely. he has made me loose nearly all my friends and always used to tell me the reason i have no friends is because i bitch about him all the time. i now feel like i cant talk to anyone because i think they are sick of hearing it. when i do go out with the small amount of friends i have i am always questioned. i hate answering his questions because it feel like he wants to use something against me or stop me from going by starting a fight. i get hounded with phone calls about stupid things the whole time im out, and i never get to have a night on my own without the kids. if i dont answer his calls he starts calling my friends. i call back thinking its an emergency and he'll blow up about not answering the phone because he needs to know where his car keys are. god forbid if he left them in my car which he does often, he expects me to leave dinner early and drive back home so he can go to his mates house.
i should also add in the morning when i had a shower i put the 2 kids in the loungeroom to watch tv, he was asleep on the lounge. i could hear the 6 month old crying 2 mins after i got in the shower and he didnt stop crying until i got out. all while he was on the lounge 1 meter away. sometimes im in the kitchen cooking or cleaning and the baby iscrying. he will ignore it and play on his phone until i walk in the room and ask him to pick him up.
i do not love him, i actually despise him. but for some reason when i start to leave i feel sorry for him. im not sure why as hes an asshole. i feel sick with guilt that my kids wont be living with their dad even though if we were to continue they may end up just as fucked as he is.
i used to be so confident.
Submitted by Mrs.MayBasak on
I feel like your living my life my husband the same. He never owe up to his anger and his verbal abuse. It's all me I am the one who broke him bla bla bla. We been together almost 6 years now 1 married in july 4th. Are 4th year he never disrespect me at all he did everything for me. Nov 7th 2016 we broke up and in 3 days he slept woth some girl. I was heart broken took hom back after 3 months of her then me. Til this day he doesn't own up to it that someone who loves someone doesnt sleep around right away. We argue everyday noe been like this since after we married. I feel so useless and lost all the time I lose my temper and say how I feel. Then he turn it all on me saying I don't love him like are you serious you just called me a whore a bitch a no good mom ect. But I'm the bad one then he cries when I tell him to fuck off. I am surprise I haven't gone to hospital mental ward. I believe he has narsaccist system I read it and it sounds just like him. On top off his adhd bipolar ect. He never does anything his family is to blame for all his issues. I really understand you we live the same life. Unhappy is the worse when they are the one person who suppose to have are back. But instead they are the ones who break it.
Submitted by SweetandSour on
I know it is easier said than done, but I think you need to leave. It is going to get worse for you and your kids in the long run. Your children are going to be adversely affected because they aren't seeing loving behavior from their dad to you or to themselves. Their number one role model besides you is not a good one. The drinking habit sounds pretty bad and that will also get worse with time.
Submitted by Sally_87 on
so i have decided that i will be using this as my jouonal. its not safe for me to write one as he may possibly find it. i dont want anything saved on the computer so at least i can delete my browsing history. feel free to scroll along. i just need an outlet so when i leave i can look back and understand why, i find i forget about the way things made me feel wso i give him more chances.
its easter weekend and so far he hasnt spent any time with his kids, even though the reason im not allowed to work on the weekends is because he wants us to have family time.weve had the easter weekend planned for the last month. good friday was a chill day and were meant to take the kids somewhere, saturday his family were coming over in the day and at night we were going to my families. sunday we were going to the royal show with a family friend as they got us free tickets. so friday he spent the whole day asleep, this morning he woke up and his mate was here. he had planned to go motorbike riding. it was 7am and he was stomping round the house, woke both the kids up lookijng for all his gear that he leaves everywhere. i asked what time his family were coming around and he said theyre coming for dinner now. i said well me and the kids wont be here as we have my family thing. he says, since when. ffs! So now im going to look like the bad guy because they are all coming round to do easter eggs and because he doesn't tell me plans change he will tell some lie about me. i am going to call his mum soon and see why plans were changed and let her know he didnt tell me which is why we wont be there.
my daughter is also crying because she wants her dad and saw him leaving this morning.
i have started applying for jobs now and wont be giving him a choice about watching the kids. its bullshit that he can do whatever he wants all the time. if he told me his plans at least bi could make my own. i feel like if hees home and i make plans he gets the shits which is why i can never make plans until i know what hes doiing. if i say, im going tio my sisters for dinner or something he'll go what am i meant to do. well fuck you, im going to the pub.
he isnt coming to the show on sunday which was fine with me as he was going to a friends bbq (we were all invited), but now he wont be spending a single day with them. i am tempted to stay at my fathers tonight but the easter bunny comes. so i know if he happends to be home tomorrow morning he will crack it that he doesnt get to be there for the easter bunny, but i have a feeling when i get home tonight he wont be there so i'll be doing it myself anway.