I can't do this anymore

Hi there


I have been living with an ADHD spouse for close to 25 years.  I can't take the abusive behaviour or refusal to take responsibility anymore.  Even today I found out that he has been stealing money from me.  Of course, he denies it, and says he "intended to pay it back".   I feel used.  I don't even think he likes me, I'm just necessary because he can't run his own life.  He is happy to live in this hell oif a relationship because he disassociates, and when he can't do that, he becomes aggressive.  I have three children who are suffering but I need to leave because he won't go and I'm dying inside, but  I feel that I don't have the coping mechanisms to deal with this breakdown and I am thinking of taking my own life.  I thought I could live without relationship - that we could just exist under the same roof, but two weeks ago my loneliness hit me broadside and I feel like I'm going mad.  I realised I have gone for years without kindness, tenderness or value - or just someone to talk to.  What would it be like to have someone who actually enjoyed my conversation, who wanted to be with me?.  I have become just an object.  Now I would willingly pay someone just to hold me for a while.  How do I start again at age 46, when most of my best years seem gone? And how do I deal with the pain of my children?