I can't stand him without his meds! Do I really love him?

DH did not take his meds yesterday. He's out of his Concerta and he didn't take his anti-depressant either. He pooped out in the middle of a project, leaving an even bigger mess, complained of headaches and not feeling well, laid down for an hour at 5 pm, moaned and kicked me all night, had bad dreams, and wouldn't go to church this morning (and he's in the choir!). Needless to say, I'm not too fond of him right now.

My question, and I suppose it applies to everyone whose partner takes psychoactive drugs, is this: Who am I married to? Am I married to someone I don't even like? Is this the REAL him? Does the person I married even exist? I hate the idea that I don't even love the "real" (unmedicated) him, but there isn't much to love.

I took anti-depressants briefly (to deal with the situational depression caused by being married to someone with ADD) and I hated them because I didn't feel like myself. Maybe I'm projecting but I can't stand the idea that the unmedicated him is who I'm really married to, and I don't much like him. Maybe my whole marriage is a fraud.


Just my two cents worth, but I like to think of it like this...  The meds help him to be the person he is meant to be and the person I fell in love with.  If my husband had cancer or heart disease it would change him, but the medication would bring him back to where he needed to be.  There are days when I may not like my husbands actions, but I try to separate them from the man, who I love to death.  Only you can decide if the positives outweigh the negatives, for me they still do.

I have been in withdrawal

I have been in withdrawal from an antidepressant (anxiety and depression from hubby adhd stuff) and i still feel terrible, i dont recognize me at all, AND, i did not like me on the pills. My guess, the person who forgot his meds was in serious withdrawal. There is a half life of medicine too, it makes the withdrawals last mich longer than you would think. It's not the TRUE him.

Taking meds inconsistently is

Taking meds inconsistently is a good way to really bring out the beast in someone. I've been on a few anti-depressants over the years and I can tell you that not taking them consistently made me worse than not having them at all. Stopping cold turkey...HUGE mistake. Missing a dosage...HUGE mistake. I am sure, based on my own experience, that he probably did feel REALLY bad physically and thus the horrible night he had. What you described is about a 'normal' night for my DH. I don't hold it against him, I just wish he could find someway to sleep more peacefully, the restlessness has to effect his ability to 'recharge' and I'm sure it makes getting through the day that much harder. The best sleep he gets is when he takes the ADHD meds.

I don't like a lot of the things my husband does, but even if I might be mad and say it out of utter frustration (only once or twice when at a really low point) "I don't know if I love him anymore", I have never questioned that I do love the man dearly. I hate his behaviors...have a hard time separating him from his behaviors sometimes, I admit...but I do not question whether I love him. Even if I divorced him tomorrow, I would still love him. If you don't think you love your husband, you're not doing him any favors by sticking around.

The 'unmedicated' him is just like my 'unmedicated DH'...a mess. If he's typically good at taking his meds, which it seems he is from what I remember, then I would cut him some slack. I had to wean very, very slowly to get off of them without feeling like absolute crap. I LOVED how they made me feel...but I gain 30 pounds the first 2-3 months I am on them and I cannot afford the extra weight...or I would sprinkle them on my Wheaties everyday.


Sherri, it's nice of you to think of someone else...

When you are having so many problems.

I have questioned whether he loves me since 2 months after I married him, when I found out he lost his job because of what I now know is ADD.  I fell in love with the hyperfocused "him" who paid so much attention to me. When I found out he never thought of me any more and was willing for me to die so he wouldn't have to work, I questioned whether I loved him. I still do.

He will be out of his anti-depressant this week. We can't pay for anyone to prescribe meds for him, so he may be out for a while. I don't know how much longer I can stay with a limp dishrag of a man who does nothing but whine while I struggle to keep our heads above water. This person is a stranger to me, and I don't much like him.