I could really use some help here

I just wrote this post in another thread and thought it warranted a thread of it's own.  I could really use some help here!


I am feeling VERY disconnected from my wife.  And for me, the most important way to feel connected is through conversation.

I experience all kinds of disconnects when in conversation with my wife:

- I ask a question which she doesn't answer = disconnect

- I am talking about something and I can see she is distracted by the look on her face = disconnect

- She is talking about something she is excited about so quickly that I can't even get in a simple comment like "Really?" and so I feel I am not a PART of the conversation = disconnect.

- She is talking about something in a way that she leaves out information I need to understand what/who she is talking about, and my attempts at getting clarification result in a very disjointed conversation = disconnect

I could go on and on, but the gist is, when I am in a conversation with my wife the degree of disconnect I experience is very painful.

And THAT is my main frustration.  It's not so much that she doesn't answer a specific question.  It's not so much that she goes on and on.  It's not that I don't understand her.  It's not even that I get bored, or whatever.

I have conversations with people all the time who are telling me about things I could care less about and it doesn't bother me because I am a PARTICIPANT in the conversation.  I make comments, ask questions, etc, and so feel connected to the person at the time.

I do NOT experience that with my wife, and I think it is at the crux of our problems.

I am not blaming her or saying her conversational style is bad or wrong.  The fact is it is different than mine and I haven't figured out a way to adapt my style in a way that results in my feeling connected.

So, the million dollar question, for me, is:  Does anyone know of a way we might change the way we are in conversation so I can feel connected?

As an aside:  when we were in the early stage of our relationship we had WONDERFUL conversations.  I suppose that was due to hyperfocus.