I couldn't do it anymore

I got into a relationship with a wonderful woman almost 3 years ago.  It was amazing, she was my soulmate.  She was understanding, sweet, impulsive, up for anything, and I thought just beautiful.  It was a romance that could not be replicated.  The sex?  Forget it.  The best ever.  Never more connected with a person.  It was like that for about a year and a half when all of a sudden in the beginning of last year she got a new job and was learning how to become a personal trainer (not at all related to her job field, but something she wanted to do).

It then began.  She started traveling for her job and do training during the week when she was here and on weekends.  I didn't mind, I do enjoy my alone times and I play lots of sports.  4 months later I was frustrated.  She would come home from traveling exhausted.  Our long talks on the roof were no longer as she was too busy.  Lying in bed on the weekend mornings were no more.  So I finally said something.  She responded that her new job was hard and the training was a lot, but once she got used to the job, and so many hours of training done it will be better.  I agreed and continued on.

As the year went by I felt more and more alone, all the while still with her.  We've had these major talks in between, with her realizing she was not putting enough into the relationship, and said she would cut down and spend more time.  Her business slowed in the latter part of the year and I saw her more.  I thought this was good.  In reality, it was because we had tons of things to do so she would be constantly busy.

Then this year started, and she started traveling and working again.  Now when she works, the day may be over, but that is all her mind is on.  She is constantly checking that blackberry until 11 or 12 at night.  When we talk it's about work or her training.  That's it.  The sex has stopped.  Before, in the wonderful times, she was up for anything, anywhere.  Now, it's like I'm with a warm body who is more concerned with who can hear or the work she has to do.  I know I'm a guy, but I do have to feel connected for it to be enjoyable.  Since our talks are no more, there is no connection, and so I never want to.

This drove me to do some research.  I always knew she had ADD, and she does take medication for it, so I decided to see what the real impact of all this is.  After tons of reading (including the book recommended on here) I started telling her about it.  She is embarrassed that she has it, and never wants to use it as an excuse.  Therefore all she does it take meds.   This helps her focus on work, but they run out at night, and that's my exposure to her.  I've asked repeatedly for her to research with me so she could understand its affects and impact, and what she could do to help manage it.  If I bring it up she shuts me down.

This weekend, it went to hell in a handbasket.  We were hanging out with friends, and she joked (kind of) about getting a part time job at a clothing store to get a discount.  That just set me off.  Of course I held it together in front of people, but I stewed and stewed.  I don't even exist in her world anymore and she is joking (I think) about getting yet another job??!?  She takes me home at my request as opposed to hanging out and I unload.  Not mean, but I lay it out.  I say this is the last warning.  I am at my wits end, etc.  Well, as she drops me off, she tells me that this was the one weekend that we had together and that I was ruining it.  I responded exactly, the ONE weekend.  I need more than that.  In the end she had some very demeaning choice words for me.

I really don't have a question, I guess just a vent.  She has done a good job coping professionally with her ADHD as she is very successful, and she is a very clean person, but it is very lonely to be with her.  Her body is there next to me, but her mind is elsewhere.  I've read a lot of the misery that many people have with the ADHD significant others, and no matter how much I love her I cannot change her.  It's either accept her like this and that no matter what I will always be second to another project or job or whatever catches her eye, or she does more to do with this ADHD other than just taking a pill.  In times of frustration I tell her I want her back, meaning I want her back to when I met her.  I have to accept that will never happen again.

oh my dearest,

My dearest that "hyper focus" in the beginning is just the taste of "WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN" as you read ,and go on and on you would understand ADHD better,I recommend "Melissa Orlov's" book "The ADHD effect on marriage" I hope things work out for you but it will take more than just her focus back on you.

good luck

from:lovehurts.