I am in the process of leaving a 20 year marriage to a man with substance abuse and ADHD.   He only decided to seek help after I left.. despite years of me knowing something was terribly wrong.  While he is improving I no longer want to stay in the marriage.  This has been more of a parent child relationship and I believe he needs to learn how to be on his own and take care himself through the help of his therapist.  Im finding a common thread from reading through this forum that ADHD'ers tend to be self centered and narcisstic.  Living with him made me physically ill because of the stress level of having to keep up with his lifestyle and needs.  He was a compulsive shopper and always had to have the biggest and best of everything.   So that lead to longer than normal work days for me so we would be financially secure enough to continue to support these shopping binges.  I paid for improvements to the house and for helpers to keep it up.  Its frustrating when I read how the non ADHD spouse should handle the ADHD spouse by hiring out help for things around the house.   Shouldnt part of their treatment be to take responsibility for their actions?  Why should the non ADHD spouse continue to suffer the wrath of mood swings, selective memory and when intoxicated.. abusive behaviour?  Sorry if I sound selfish.. but Im turning 45 tomorrow and have a chance at a normal life and hopefully a normal relationship someday.   I hope my spouse can make those changes so that someday he can be a partner that can contribute instead of sucking the life out of you.  Dont get me wrong.. there are times when he's been a great guy and stepped up to the plate.. but usually when it benefitted him the most for doing it.. always strings attached.. I wish him well and I wish him the best but I dont think that non ADHD spouses should have to continue to compromise their well being (physically and mentally) and cowtow to the ADHD spouse..  they should be made to step up to the plate and be accountable for their actions.