I desparately need some support

I recently joined and only posted once. I can barely function between all the things that are going on with my ADHD spouse and lack of resposibiity and having to put our farm up for sale, surgury on daughter with Down's Syndrome who resides with us and is a sweetheart and  now he again needs surgury which after going thru many surguries he does not handle with much emotion other than anger and that being directed at me. I can't concentrate. As I'm typing this I'm wondering why try anymore. 13 years of a second marriage and it has just been a nitemare at times. I have lost my identity and desire to even keep going except for my daughter. My other 3 children are out on there own. Therapy, med, been there done that. Promises and promises never kept. So much financial destruction and so much responsibility on my shouldars. Yes it is like having a teenager to be responsible for. I feel numb sometimes as I feel so trapped and like there is no way out except divorce. I don't know that I have any feelings for him or if they are buried under alot of anger and hurt. I can't even begin to explain what it has been like and assume that I don't need to as I'm sure you have all been there in some way or another being new to the forum. I try not to get into self pity and some days that is easier than others. I am just emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. I don't trust him at all and can't depend on him to be a husband or provider. I just need to know I am not alone and that somehow someway my daughter and my life will get better, because right now I feel like I am slowly dying.

Needing Support

I found out my husband has ADHD after we separated.  He had all the classic behaviors, Anger and Financial were the hardest for me.  He has made many positive changes, but it may have been too late.  I feel panic around him and so do my children.  I have filed for divorce and it is breaking both of our hearts,  but I feel emotional about some one else that has helped me through this situation.  I hung in there for 16 years thinking things would get better if I just waited and hoped.  I let him act like a tyrant to myself and my children, way too many times.  I just broke inside.  Now I have tremendous guilt about my feelings, it was like I gave up and moved on, than discovered the ADHD.  Not sure which way to go.  He has made so many positive changes.  I am convinced he is a controlling and angry man though.  I have a son that wants to die because of the intense way he was treated by his father, I have my son in counseling.  I don't know if it right to put my kids back in a situation where they are living with their father.  Through the separation he has gone on crazy kicks like manic, trying to catch me cheating on him, it has kept us on edge, but now he has calmed down and is trying to be peaceful. Just confused! Has anyone else been in this situation? 

proceed with caution

Guilt is not a good reason to do anything, and you say that your son fears his father and that his behavior is erratic.  Proceed with great caution.  You do not mention how long you have been apart, but it doesn't sound as if it's time to return yet, if for no other reason than to protect your son from further emotional trauma.

get help

You should not be going through this alone.  Please seek help from a professional who can help you see a balanced picture.  Also, you may wish to talk with your doctor about the possibility of depression.