I don’t want this life

Came home from taking my son to his Dr appointment. H was waiting at home and asked where I had been. As most the non’s here will understand this, I had told him and reminded him of the apt several times (several times that day even). But of course he forgot so I explained again where I was.

I made dinner and clean up dinner. I picked up all his stuff he bread crumbs all over the house. I watered the garden. I sorted camping gear for the camping trip this weekend. Where was H? Sitting on the sofa with his face in the phone. He would get up to go outside to smoke but he had the phone with him. He wasn’t texting or talking. I finally finish with all my chores and sit down. I had a glass of wine and H had already drank half a 5th of whisky. I wanted to talk but his face was in his phone so I asked, “What are you so interested in?” He flips the phone over and told me he found his ex’s Instagram account and was looking at her pictures. He then showed me some of his favorites and reiterated just what a pretty girl she was. I wanted to scream but I was the stupid one and I asked and well, at least he was honest.  A few days ago he had found her Pinterest account and saved pictures of her and then showed me and gushed about how pretty she was. I already had gotten upset and pointed out that maybe he should save pictures of his ex-wife to show his current wife but apparently that went over his head.

So, again H has managed to make me feel like sloppy seconds. H managed again to make me feel unloved and ugly. But if I say more than I already have then he gets defensive and angry and calls me crazy then goes to facebook to bitch about me and call me names and crazy…it’s the predictable cycle and so I kept my mouth shut and just sat there feeling like crap. But he wasn’t done yet.

He starts reading post from Facebook form the day that he thought was interesting or funny. He does this all the time. He is on Facebook all day and night but can’t talk to me. He thinks sharing his activities with his friends online with me is connecting with me! I closed my FB account a long time ago because I couldn’t take seeing his sexual flirtations on line and I couldn’t take witnessing the public bashing he liked to do of me with his friends. It was my way to separate myself from him and his friends and their ugliness. H made a promise to remove me completely from his FB account after his last very ugly bashing. I demanded that he not have Married on his status and all pictures of me were to be deleted and there was to be no more post about me, not even a mention or reference to me (good or bad) ever. Anyway he made some snide remark about me changing my name back to my maiden name on facebook instead of closing my account and then he could share cool things with me. Because apparently FB is the only way he can engage with people. I reminded him why I didn’t have a FB account. And he said “Don’t worry I’d never post anything about you, I wouldn’t want to be embarrassed.”

This morning, feeling pretty insecure and jealous of his feelings for his ex, I got curious and checked her Instagram account. I’ve never seen her in real life but I had a good idea of what she looks like and my husbands constant descriptions of how stunning she was/is. OK, she is pretty but I don’t think I’m less pretty than her. She still has an amazing figure and mine is ok, we are built differently but her build is what my husband loves. I’m too bottom heavy for his taste. But as I looked at her I noticed how well maintained she is. Haircut and colored to perfection. Nails done. Designer jeans. Waxing. Tanning. She is the perfect image of the women my husband still chases after.

 Now compare me to her. We have very little money. Most of our money goes to the ex. I make 40 a year and he brings home about 30. We have nice cars and a nice home and that is where most of our income goes. He controls the finances and is always stressing about not having enough money. So, I cut and color my own hair. I never get my nails done. Never get a wax. I don’t own designer jeans. I buy almost all of my clothing from thrift stores to save money. I stopped working out because he hates it when I go to the gym (his ex had affairs with guys from her gym so it’s a sore spot). But I would love to be like her. I’d love to take care of myself like she does but that takes money.

And then I notice how happy she looks. Big glowing smiles. Pictures of her out on dates with her new husband. They take trips. They go out. They look like they love each other. My H and I have none of that. We have no pictures of us. He tells me I’m pretty but I’m not photogenic so we have no pictures. We don’t date because they all end in tears. We don’t travel because he never wants to go anywhere. And I know he doesn’t look at me like they do and I don’t think I look at him that way anymore.

I haven’t been happy in 2 years, the length of my marriage, and I’ve tried. I’ve tried to make my husband happy. I’ve tried to get him to show me he loves me. I’ve wanted him to feel loved and cherished. But I don’t think I’m ever going to be good enough for him. I don’t think he will ever be capable of being the man he was before we were married again for me. He is still that man but it’s for everyone else, not me. And I don’t want this. I’m no longer me. If I stay with him I’ll forget there is another me and I’ll never be the same. I’ll be his creation. And I wouldn’t want to know the person he is working to create. It took seeing how happy his ex looks to put it in perspective. He describes her as a monster (albeit an extremely hot one) but now I think she might have been because she was with him. If he treated her anything like he treats me, I can understand if she was a monster. You’d have to be a saint not to be.

I’ve clung to H’s words and promises. But he breaks his promises and there are no actions to support his words. He swears he loves me and someday I will see that and that nobody is ever going to love me like he does. When he says that I want to believe him and I stay because I tell myself “Today is the day he is going to show me he loves me for real.” But it never comes.

I no longer wear my wedding ring. (He threw his out 2 months ago) I stopped wearing it because it reminded me I live a lie every day. It reminds me of how my H would go on and on about his wedding day to his ex as we were planning our wedding. He described how stunning she was, took his breath away. He even described her wedding night attire and how hot it was. He even went so far as to tell me I should find something like that to wear. And this is how I know he had already started to create his monster. I wanted so badly for him to tell me those things about me, I’d do just about anything. So I did my best to find something that fit his request for our wedding. On our wedding day, he never told me he thought I looked pretty or even nice. He made no comment. Our wedding night he didn’t say one word about what I wore and I had to beg him to have sex, on our wedding night! Later that night, I went to the bathroom and cried. I cried on my wedding night. It should have been the happiest day in my life or at least one of the top 5, but I was heartbroken. I reflected on this memory this morning and noted that 2 years later nothing has changed. I’m still heartbroken. And I don’t want this.

Sorry for the long ramble. Not too many people understand how ADHD affects a marriage, this is the only places I’ve found that can.