Endless circle that seems to be getting worse with my ADHD husband. I don't get it and I don't know what to do.
I have been trying to be supportive since his diagnosis in January 2009 but it is becoming increasingly more difficult as I get more and more overwhelmed. Do any of you see things getting worse as opposed to better over time?
Where do I start...
Over time, I have taken on more and more at home as my husband needed to "work on himself", was unable to take on too much as he was overwhelmed and needed time to develop strategies and get better with the help of his ADHD coach and his doctor. He needed to take 1 step at a time.
Then, he doesn't want me to do anything for him (except be positive and loving) because it makes him feel inadequate and useless when I do more.
Then if I don't do something for him when he asks me or because I told him I am no longer doing something, he gets angry because I am "sticking it to him" by leaving it to him to get done.
To be clear, I try not to do things for him that only impact him if it is not done, like making sure his credit card gets paid or doing his laundry. I used to do those but stopped when he complained about HOW i was taking care of them. Now he complains that he is overwhelmed because I leave those to him.
The more I take on, the less he does, the more he complains.
If I ask for his help, he argues he can't handle it. If I don't ask, he argues that it belittles him that I don't ask because it means I feel he is incapable.
See what I mean about going around in circles?
What I also don't get is the arguing, blaming, contradicting, denying etc... I decide to do things a certain way that works for me, he provides "suggestions" on how i should do it differently. Sometimes I will just say to him: The way I was doing it works for me, you can do it yourself if you want it done differently. Then he gets angry because he doesn't want to do it. Says he is only trying to be helpful. It's not helpful!!! You want to help, do something. If i tell him that I am just leaving it for him to do he gets angry that I am asking for too much, he can't do it. However, if I ask for his opinion about something, he has nothing. I am smarter than he is he says.
Everything is my fault. He doesn't contribute because I am not nice enough to him. He doesn't go to bed because I go to bed too early and I snore. I lost weight recently to help with my snoring, he says it did help but now he doesn't go to bed because I am not nice enough to him. I need to be more empathetic and positive with him. He yells at me because I rile him up. I need to praise him when he does something to help. Sometimes - more and more often - I get so overwhelmed, I just cry. He asks me why, I tell him I am overwhelmed. He answers that I just need to go get therapy. I ask him for help. He says he is trying.
It's constantly about what I do wrong to him, how I speak to him, what I need to do, what I need to stop doing, what I need to change. Nothing I say is right - he has to contradict, argue, suggest something different. Nothing I do is right - I need to do more, I need to do less, I need to do it differently. I don't need or ask for thank you, praises or anything. I just want respect and be treated as an equal.
I feel emotionally abused and exhausted.