"I don't know"

I have been doing pretty well navigating a separation and upcoming divorce from my spouse with untreated ADHD. As we co-parent and are finally on friendly terms after years of strife and dysfunction, I frequently do a balancing act of advocating for what my children and I need and being understanding of my spouse's significant issues. One thing is still pretty tough for me, though, and this week it made me so nuts I had to go drive around in my car and yell with the windows up for a while. 

That thing is "I don't know." My ex's response to most questions and attempts to make plans has always been "I don't know." Are you going to be able to do this on Saturday? "I don't know." Oh, are you saying right now, as I have pulled into the driveway with them, that your back injury hurts too much to have the children stay with you? "I don't know." (Which leaves me in the position to decide if his back hurts too much to have the children stay with him. Seriously. I think he wants me to be the one to decide). Do you want to take them to the birthday party Sunday? "I don't know." Great.

Also, along with "I don't know," I also get no warning or heads up about anything. The back injury thing. I had actually packed and gotten the kids ready for the time with dad, which can be inconsistent. I walk in, and he doubles over and moans and looks to me like he won't be able to take care of them. He's been like this all day. How about a phone call? Or a text even suggesting that there may be doubts? 

"I don't know" gives me no way to make concrete plans about anything. Can I meet my friends Saturday or get a haircut? Can I take the kids to my family's this year for Christmas week? I don't know doesn't help me. Pushing for an answer causes anxiety and anger and usually a fight. Waiting patiently lets the question dangle forever. In my ex's view, I am a type A, anxious organizational freak who has to plan everything months in advance (I assure you I am not--I am actually pretty right brained, but by default I am responsible for just about everything in our lives and I do, in fact, need to plan child care ahead of time if I am going to go to the doctor at 4 p.m. on Tuesday).  

So, tell me you'll give me an answer Thursday. Tell me yes. Tell me no every single time, even. It's fine. Just pick yes or no and then stick with it. Just pick SOMETHING! Aargh! Anyone else out there know what I mean?  

Making plans

Perspective 1: I get this.  Everything is left "open ended" for his last minute decision and whims.  He might show up or might not - is how most things get planned. This gives him the power to do as he wants when the time comes and to consider me as an uptight controller. In not wanting to "partner", he shows that he does not want to do things with me - or may have something/someone he likes better to do something with. It does not make for the agreement of any plans and then things don't/can't happen. And I feel unvalued.  It is frustrating to try to plan for anything in the future with someone who will not commit to the future.  It is fine for him...he then can do what he wants, when he wants to.  But if people want to do something WITH other people, sometimes there needs to be a mutual decision and a plan.  

Perspective 2: I am not super organized but do understand the need for a plan. I have a sister who is much more "planning" than I am.  She decides where we will go and what we will do when our families get together.  I am tentative with her because if I DO make a suggestion, it is put down as a worthless idea - she has her own idea of how things should go.  She plans things years/months in advance and I feel powered over by her. This is how the tradition in my original birth family now plays out.  And I realize I am resentful of her bossiness and sometimes refuse to commit to her plans.  I pull back because I don't want to feel manipulated and small. She plans. The rest of us don't argue or suggest anymore. She will do what she wants the way she wants to do it and we can "tag" along with her or opt out. If we make a plan or invite her, she is "bucky" and uncooperative or she is too busy to join in our plans. It feels like she thinks we are weak for not contributing more and stupid for not planning. I have been afraid of her and annoyed by her. When I DO invite her, she declines. When I talk, she rolls her eyes or laughs facetiously. 

I am seeing two sides to this today.  But MOST I can see how I have been too afraid of criticism and taking things personally when I should have been reaching out to keep the sisters getting together and not caring so much about what she says or thinks or who she thinks she is.  I think I will make a plan for/with my sisters today if I want to have that relationship with them. 

Passive Aggressive?

Could this be a way for him to control you or passive aggressively express anger and sadness toward the situation (or you)? Or even get your attention, negative though it may be? Maybe the reason he doesn't call or text is because this is part of the 'game'--not to minimize his feelings, but for lack of a better word--and 'win' when it drives you crazy or ruins your plans. Sounds like you may have to get a sitter or arrange care for the non-family events to circumvent this pattern and get some time for yourself. The family stuff is a little trickier for sure, but I'd say do what is right for you and the kids and let the chips fall where they may--ie, he had the chance to claim time with the kids, he didn't take it, so you are taking the kids the Christmas with your family this year. Easier said than done, I know..

I get this!!! I live it every

I get this!!! I live it every day! Ill have to take your idea about screaming in the car and use it. He cannot commit to anything, his back is always 'out,' and I am left unable to plan anything. Although now I email him my plan and hear via my kids about how I never consult him. I don't think he reacts with 'I dont know' on purpose.  I believe he does it without any thought. I think he just can't make a decision. Much like he can't make a decision to move out despite the fact that I am divorcing him. I just make my plans. If he has plans with the kids, I verify the morning of and then accommodate my day. Good luck, keep on keeping on. 

L

can't decide

Thanks for the replies and empathy, everyone. It's a good suggestion but I honestly don't think he is being passive aggressive in this particular situation. I think he literally has such a hard time acting or making a decision that he is almost paralyzed most of the time. It is kind of amazing. Like he can't say, "Sure, 10 o'clock on Saturday would be fine." And he can't tell me if his back hurts too much to do something. Because he can't decide. Once my mom offered to buy a new refrigerator for us. After three different Home Depot-type stores and about four hours, she was so fed up she just handed me a check and told me to deal with it and left. He was so paralyzed by having to pick something that he couldn't and just kept looking at 100 different ones that all seemed about the same to me. And I think there is some significant anxiety around making a wrong choice, too. 

This was my life for years and years. I was kind of held hostage by it. Now since we are apart it at least it is less frequent. I will either have to deal with it by just deciding myself and letting him live with my choice, or giving him a deadline by which he has to decide. I think all of this revolves around his ADHD. I am puzzled, because I think that if it were me and I could not function to this degree, after years of it, I would seek treatment. But I guess that's part of the reason that I left, right?

Lman, mine actually confessed to me that he knew that our marriage was dysfunctional and unhealthy, but he was just "waiting" for me to leave (because he couldn't act or decide to). I ended up in a small apartment with almost full care of our children while he remained in our larger house with a yard, because I couldn't wait any longer for him to leave. He couldn't decide on an apartment or get himself in gear to move--even though I found at least five pretty good ones for him. It's ok. My children and I are happy again. 

Best to you, everyone. 

We went through the

We went through the refrigerator fiasco too recently. I took down the make and the model number for him, we had the sales clerk take precise measurements and came home with them. Then nothing was done. The fridge had been marked off 50% which was a no brainer but he *had* to think about it and check and then get back to them. Two weeks later, he calls when it pops into his head (I have very limited decision making power thanks to his phobia toward poverty, we could be purchasing it "together," but HE has to be the one who calls all the shots and the physical act of paying for it.) Well, it was sold by the time he got back to them and then his whole day was, utterly, irretrievably, ruined.

I've learned not to say anything, let him stew until it goes through his system, like a water balloon that's being filled and finally pops. Really have to pick my battles, otherwise, everything becomes my fault (like him installing the wrong toilet seat without ever making sure it it is the correct one while he has it in front of him -- it felt like he went ahead and installed it just to rub it in my face, waited in the bathroom until I was done with the kids and the cooking, then started his rage attack as soon as I went to check on the toilet seat. These are the times when I don't allow this (what amounts to abuse aimed at me) because his brain is "stuck" on elongated seat vs. a round seat. He cannot see his logic is faulty. I can't believe I'm even talking about it... but he's over it now and I spoke my piece of it and at least it didn't turn too ugly.

I find despite the frustrations of dealing with the lack of clear thinking, I have to work *with* him indirectly to make it all right again. I wish I didn't have to, but sometimes I have to re-orient my approach in order to get through the sticky situation. It's not the man, it's the ADHD!!

And who ever had mentioned the inability to manage vacation/holiday with the family due to indecision or fear of decision, nailed it on the head. It took 20 years and his diagnosis for me to finally *get* what the heck was going on. I'd discuss plans and then he acted like they never existed. Tomorrow I really want us to go to a new diner and I'm going to have to work at planning the itinerary, mapquest, precise time slots in print, and present the logic of going out to breakfast for under 20 bucks with the kids.... any other family would have just jumped in the car and went. But it's a major proposal I have to write up to convince him he'd enjoy time out (if he's not stressing about ordering breakfast, waiting on coffee and omg paying the bill)

 

 

 

I'm happy for you and at the

I'm happy for you and at the same time sad that your spouse couldn't see the importance that your children would have benefited being the ones to stay at the house with yard instead of an apartment. Do you ever wonder how he explains it to family and friends when they ask why he's staying in the house instead?

Sounds familiar

My ADHD husband is unable to give a direct answer to any direct question. However, he very rarely says "I don't know" because he thinks that he would appear weak. So he answers with a long convaluted reply to distract you from the fact that he hasn't answered the question.  I used to think this was a power game, but now I've learned a lot more about ADHD, I think there are other causes:

1. Fear of making a wrong decision - he can't bear to be wrong about anything. He wants to mull over all possible permutations.

2. Act in haste, repent at leisure - he doesn't see the need to be make a decision now about something which will happen in a "Not Now" period, ie the future. He thinks that mulling something over will lead to a more informed decision. He doesn't realise that he will instantly forget about the question and not even consider it again until I ask again, or it becomes urgent, so he might as well make the decision straight away.

3. He seems to believe that all decisions are final and permanent, and that if he were to change his mind at a later date, that would be a sign of weakness. So he is wary of committing to something that he is not 100% happy about. But I don't know anyone who is 100% happy about every decision made - you just make the best choice possible based on the facts, and then either live with it or change it later.

I appreciate that you don't want to jeopardise your childrens' safety, but it does sound as if you are being a bit too accommodating to his indecision. I learned to simply make the decisions that suited me and our children best and told him that if he wasn't happy, he would need to propose an alternative solution. For example, I would always ask him before committing to going out, but once I had made my plan, I would tell him that he was responsible for childcare, and if he wasn't able to be home for any reason, he had to arrange a baby sitter.  It didn't always work, and there was one occasion where I had to ring around everyone I knew to say "Do you have my son?" because he had simply left me a voicemail saying he was going out and could I pick up our son before 6pm, but failed to tell me where he had left him!!!

Btw, I am also accused of wanting to control/plan/schedule things and unable to be spontaneous - it is just a defence mechanism to deflect the inferred criticism that the ADHD partner is weak in this area.

 

 

This is probably the thing that upsets me the most!

 

"I don't know."

In fact, these days, I'd be pleased to get a straight 'I don't know'. Usually he rambles on for a bit then changes the subject to his hyperfocus of the day and acts as if I never brought up whatever it was that we NEEDED to talk about. If I try to take control of the conversation and steer it back, that makes him cranky and he seems to think I'm being rude or something. I'm just white noise, I swear.

If he would just let me take control and do things, maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but he won't do that either. So we live in a state of paralysis - or at least I do. I'm not sure that he notices. He hates change, yet he's easily bored and distracted. It's a strange dichotomy. Someone above mentioned anxiety related to the fear of making the wrong choice-  I think that is definitely in play in my husband's inablility to make a decision. Even when I get things down to a shortlist.. Or-  I choose the item I think we need and just basically ask him to approve it - even then, he can't seem to give a definitive answer. I do get that this is something he can't help finding difficult. But I don't know how much more waiting to get essential household items repaired etc I can take.

If he would pay me the respect of deferring to my greater ability to organise and plan - hey - take advantage of it! - I think the whole family would be happier. He shows no signs of wanting to improve his own decision making skills.

Can you read my mind?

You've just written everything that is going through my head? Are with sharing the same man????

  We couldn't be that

 

We couldn't be that unlucky, surely? lol

But one thing about being on this forum - I'm really seeing clearly the reasons why my family never goes on holiday. Why repairs to the house take ages to start and then never finish... Why my husband can't even work out what make of car he would like to buy to replace his clapped out car... And why for all of our marriage I've quietly done as much as I could around his 'I don't know's and 'Later' and 'I'm too stressed right now's. I don't know about everyone else, but one of my hubby's characteristics is to think that he's always worked harder than anyone else. To over-estimate what he's done in the day and systematically under estimate everyone else's burdens. My hubby has found himself in a stable job that is basically 90% 'do it now', very little future planning needed. And to be fair - he's good at his job. But at his own admission, this is as far as he can really go, he couldn't go up to the managers' role as he's not up to all the report writing and grant applications etc. I'm actually relieved that he knows this.

But I'm now in a place where with our youngest off to full time school next year, I'm ready to think of my own career. The one thing I asked of my husband in relation to this, is that when the kdis are sick from school - that he will be the one to take a day off work and be with them. Considering the years I've put into the kids and the house, putting my own working life second, third.. and the fact that my husband believes that he won't advance further and he doesn't want to - AND he works in a sector that is likely to praise him for this as well! I thought - 'easy one'! Right? Nope. And he didn't tell me 'no I won't do that'. But - he got that look on his face that made me realise that he's saying 'I don't know' now... But when the day comes that he has to follow through... He won't.

You said "I don't know about

You said "I don't know about everyone else, but one of my hubby's characteristics is to think that he's always worked harder than anyone else. To over-estimate what he's done in the day and systematically under estimate everyone else's burdens." - Absolutely. I think it is because I do 100 small, repetitive things each and every day, whereas he only undertakes the mega jobs which need to be done. He is always far too busy to do menial things. And because he takes on too many jobs, he can cherry-pick the ones which appeal to him the most. Because my chores are repetitive (dog walking, cleaning out the animal cages, cleaning, shopping, washing, cooking etc), he doesn't even notice that I've done them. Although he notices pretty quick when I don't do them!!!

PS: Still think we are married to the same bigamist!

repairs

Adjusting, lol, read the above about choosing a refrigerator. I don't know if someone who hasn't been through it would ever understand that frustration of being married to someone with ADHD, someone who has that particular brand of control freak and paralysis combined. Good grief, the number of times I had to wait because something major would break (let's say, the oven). And he would insist to the point of a fight that he wanted to fix it, it would be cheaper, listing 8 million other reasons why a repairman from an appliance store was a bad idea (they ripped you off, did a bad job, too expensive, etc). There's the fear thing--someone is going to rip him off, it will be a bad decision. If I pressed him on it, there would be a huge fight, because I would be pressuring him to either act or make a decision or leave me alone to deal with it. Answer: none of the above.

Days, weeks would go by. I would try to wait for the right moment to ask again about the oven (I did all the cooking, so...) so as to avoid a fight. More days, and my choices would be a) continue to live without an oven, realizing it may be years if he ever did anything b) turn into a raging shrew, lose my sh*t, like nuclear meltdown style, and demand that he do what he said he would do right. this. second. or c) tell him nicely that I would wait until noon on Saturday, and if he didn't "have time" to take care of it by then, I would call the appliance repair guy. 

I did all three at different times over the years. I am bummed that I resorted to choice b) several times, but after years of it, including a non-working bathroom sink when my children were toddlers and toilet training, I kind of lost it. The worst thing is that when I chose option c) as my path, I would always be criticized later for being "stressed" and "anxious" and "forcing" a decision. I spent way too much money on that oven repair--$60 an hour! He could have done it better and for less if I could have just been patient and waited. I would point out that I had waited--for four weeks. Which would turn into a debate about how frequently I cooked and maybe having a working stove wasn't really that big a deal--I was just anxious. Anything to deflect the issue. I was so gaslighted that I actually believed that maybe I was crazy for wanting a stove or sink or floor (we were down to sub-flooring for a very long time in his misdirected rehab fiasco that is still costing me money). The worst part is that I am a very capable, independent woman but I let myself get so run down by all of this stuff that I started to get paralyzed as well. 

I now live in an apartment with a landlord who fixes everything the same day I call:-)

Best to you. 

 

  *Deep sigh* We live in an

 

*Deep sigh*

We live in an old house that really needs modernising, and in the 6 years we've lived here, I've made modest plans and requests for things to be done. And these are basic things like a sliding door from the hallway into the laundry so I don't need to go outside, carrying a washing basket through 3 doors to access the washing machine. Family of 5 - I do all the washing. Hubby agrees that it ought to be done. Every time I bring it up. Which is fairly often. But it never becomes a 'now' job. Or-  the second toilet our home needs? We have a spot for it, it literally means ringing his cousin the plumber to come and give us a quote and put it in... How long have I been waiting for him to make the call? 5 years...

We had asbestos backed linoleum in the kitchen and laundry - I finally got him to work with me to remove it, bag it all up and take it to the tip. That was 18 months ago. The small area in the kitchen had new vinyl put down... The remainder? Still raw floor boards, 18 months later. My Dad leant ME his belt sander so I could work on the floor... Hubby took it outside to work on the boat and then left it in the weather... It was only by luck that I realized before it got rained on.  I'm just exhausted. I'm losing hope that it will ever get any better. For so long I've tried to put it all behind me - 'tomorrow's a new day' kind of thing... But deep down I think I realise that I don't have it in me to keep this up forever. And - picturing a future with me working full time and just not being in the house unless I have to be - not being around my husband anymore than totally necessary - seems... desirable.

If he read this... I wonder if he would recognize himself. I've tried to tell him that I'm not doing so great, that I'm feeling depressed... But the conversation quickly went off on another tangent. He controls every conversation we have, keeping it off anything of importance. I don't know if he's doing that on purpose or not. Not sure that I care anymore.

And the problem is, as soon

And the problem is, as soon as he says "I will sort that out", you are then completely stuck. You either have to say that you don't believe him, which sounds petty and just leads to a mega argument, despite all the evidence to support you. Or you have to set a deadline, which also leads to an argument and then you either have to give in or go ahead and carry out your threat which causes major problems. Or you just hope against all hope that this time it will be different and he will actually do what he says he will do within a reasonable time frame. Of course, everyone else is out to rip him off, and absolutely nobody else can do the job as well as him. And if you try to discuss it, he will go off on a tangent and ask why you actually need the thing in the first place, and perhaps you are inadequate because you can't adapt or be flexible!

If it makes you feel any better, I have lived without heating or regular hot water for 4 years. Our toilet facilities are embarrasingly awful. But despite this, we seem to have acquired a fully equipped music studio, a pool table and a large workshop filled with every tool known to man.

It sounds as if you have escaped. I have survived 25 years and am set for the long haul, but can only manage with extended absences and a good support network.

workshop filled with every tool known to man.

Is this ADD too?  My dh also has every known tool known to man too.  He is the Imelda Marcus of tools but can't pay the bills because he is very busy TALKING long and hard about the the work he did, is doing, or is going to do. He is a millionaire in his mind.   It is like...if he has the tool for it, it is just as good as done. But sometimes he can't find the tool and must buy another one.

tools

I think this must be common. We had a budget for a rehab that turned into a debacle. The house still sits, unfinished (he lives in it now). A contractor gave us a quote for an amount we could spend, but my spouse didn't like anyone who could do the work--everyone was out to rip him off or not as good as he would be or he didn't "trust" them. So spouse, against my strenuous wishes, had a contractor do the bare bones and then spent a significant amount (25%) of our money on tools and supplies (like paint) for the remainder of the work so he could do it himself and "save money." Fancy table saw, expensive woodworking equipment. Frequently lost something and had to buy another one. Once he came in from a Home Depot type store with over $400 of things like light bulbs and buckets that we already had and when I questioned him, said he could return it and never did. To this day, there is a dishwasher sitting in a box and no kitchen or cabinets. Years later. But there are a lot of very nice tools. 

Yes! Exactly!

 

He says he will do it - so - stop complaining! Oh - and don't remind him, mention it... or generally look... disappointed that he hasn't quite got to it yet. After 6 years...

I'm stuck waiting all the time, for everything.

Yesterday, I got to the point that I was so worried that our car's radiator might not make the distance on out upcoming holiday - and after trying to raise it with him several times and getting nowhere - I sent him an email to his work. In an email, he can't deflect me by looking hurt, or changing the subject... I told him clearly that worrying about the dodgy radiator would ruin my holiday. And that if the car over heated and broke down I would be FURIOUS.

Well - it worked. I made it a crisis - the car will get a new radiator on Monday. But I spent the whole day with a headache and stressing over his reply which begged me not to reply to him again 'cause he didn't want to cry at work, making me feel horribly guilty.  I DID cry.

I don't want to have to fight with him, or make him upset just to get things that need doing - done! I feel so invisible and lost when I try over and over to discuss anything of importance and he deflects me. Even the plea in his email reply to me - to not reply to his message - was shutting me down.  A full day of massive angst, over something than any ordinary person would just say 'yeah, ok honey - I'll get that done' and do it!

 

lyninny, just wanted to tell you...

that even though I appear once in a while on the forum, I've noticed a distinct change in your posts.

You seem so much more relaxed, more in control happiness-wise, sounding better (and I'm sure feeling better) about your outlook to life.  Imagine all the opportunities that are ahead of you and your children to embrace, what your free will allows you, without any impediments.

Thanks

Coping, thank you. I can say that it's true-- I feel like a different person, and my children do, too. My ex and I had very significant issues beyond the ADHD, and while I am always happy to see folks work through tough problems and stay together, this was not going to happen for me and him. His significant anger management issues alone were enough for me to finally just leave. It just took me a long time to figure out what I already knew deep down I needed to do. To your above post, I don't think too many people are talking to him or care much what he does these days, although I am sure his neighbors are pretty bummed about the state of the yard now that he lives there alone, lol.

It sucked at first, the idea of leaving our house and the idea that some of his actions seem pretty self centered. He justified staying by insisting that I had rushed him and if I had just given him time to find an apartment, he would have (I wasn't willing to wait-- see everyone's posts on this thread:-) Also, the house is a wreck, a 40% finished rehab job that lacks a fully functioning kitchen. That he created. He insisted that if he stayed there he would finish it and we could sell the house. Whatever--I am no longer responsible for it or the payments. At this point, I live in a great neighborhood where you can walk on sidewalks and there are parks and playgrounds, but yes, deep down, I would have thought it would be a no brainier to let the kids and me stay so they wouldn't have to move. But I could see the writing on the wall--like all the other tasks, he just wasn't going to be able to decide and move, and I wasn't going to stay in the house with him while he sat in torpor. Once I let go of it, I felt pretty great, and now my time can be spent with my kids rather than cutting grass or changing storm windows. 

He always had a series of reasons or arguments in cases like this and it got hard to tell which were excuses and which were his point of view. He insisted that the kids would still have the house with him there as much as they would with me there since we were sharing custody, when history and the situation suggested that they would be with me most of the time. And of course they are. I don't know if he really believed what he was saying or if he was working hard to make everything ok because his inability to act and cope with moving himself was too hard for him to face. 

Best to you. 

[Btw, I am also accused of

[Btw, I am also accused of wanting to control/plan/schedule things and unable to be spontaneous - it is just a defence mechanism to deflect the inferred criticism that the ADHD partner is weak in this area.]

This happens frequently. We were celebrating our son's birthday by taking him on a surprise visit to pick up something he's wanted for a long time. I was caught up in the excitement and chatting with our son, playing along that we were just there to shop for "mommy" (this was actually my dh's suggestion the evening before, that I play along!).

We hadn't even stepped foot in the store when all of a sudden, dh snarls at me and says: "It's *my* plan, and I'll run the show!!" I decided to remain on the sidelines while they picked up the item, paid for it, etc., but I was so hurt and ended up breaking down and crying. Of course, mom is the bad guy for ruining the day...

DH later tells me that it seems that I'm always controlling every situation... which is simply not true!  I was caught up in the excitement because of our love for our son. It's not a freaking competition!

He said he didn't mean it; I wish I never cried. These are our dynamics, I can't stop them in time to enjoy what's most important at that moment.

***

this thread has to be hands down one of the most resonating threads I've read since joining. This is my unspoken frustration... nobody ever sees or understands what it's like, except the children because they are living it as well. Many many missed opportunities and just trying to come to terms with it every single day, hoping I can be one step smarter to be able to keep the conflicts from surfacing the next day.

competition for the children

This is incredible to me too.  He has always tried to make me look bad and take credit for things he didn't do in front of our children.  He seems to pit me against them so that he can be the "good" one.  That means that I had done all the parenting and he was the "pal".  no responsibility, just the fun.  Then, turn around and make me the outsider in my own family while I was doing the behind the scenes work.   Then I would get upset and look like a "downer".  I was PLAYED.  Like I have come to realize, "When we married, I joined a team and he declared war."

Sorry

Coping, I am sorry. I have been there--not fun to be attacked or yelled at and then doubly worse with your son there and triply worse that it's in public, right? Sounds like he wasn't upset about that but about something else, or just upset in general. I know it hurts. 

I don't think you can keep the conflicts from surfacing. You can only work on how you react to them and maybe work together on how you both react to them, depending on his willingness to do so. Now that I have some distance, I am able to stay calm and not take much personally. It was pretty tough when I lived it. I can't remember--have you tried counseling? It helped me so much. 

Take care. 

Still on

And I realize that, as you say, it is tough to understand what it is like unless you live in it. I think that's why I am still on here sometimes. I am still processing some things and now I GET it. As an educator, this has given me some empathy and understanding of what young students with ADHD and other issues must face in school and in life. 

"I don't know" "Could

"I don't know"

"Could be."

"May be."

"Possibly."

"Let's think about it."

"I can't be bothered with that right now."

"I have no time to discuss it right now."

After 2 decades of marriage, I've never heard him respond to any of my suggestions with a, "Yes, let's do it."  He may say "What do YOU want to do?" But it's never a mutual meeting of the minds.

Would like to add to your

Would like to add to your list:

"Why?"

"You don't understand what is involved."

"I don't think that's a good idea" (no further explanation)

"Let me mull it over"

"Hmm"

"Where do you get these crackpot ideas from?"

I'm sure others can add to the list!

 

A few more...

 

"When did I say that?"

"I'm about to do it."

"Yes, I will in a minute....." (hours go past in that 'minute')

"Oh, it'll be ok." (In response to any request to check something... )

"I'll do it tomorrow." (But 'tomorrow' never comes...)

 

 

"You always ....." "I never

"You always ....."

"I never said that."

"Whenever I ..., you ...."

But his favorite is "                ."  (That is, no response to a question, not even an "I don't know.")

 

We'll Figure it out

I know how you feel. My husbands line is...

"We'll figure it out" or "We'll figure it out later"   -When!?

That is his famous line whenever I want to talk about something that we really do need to figure out. If he doesn't want to talk about it, or wants to decide last minute without my input that's what he says. Later never comes. I really can't stand to hear that one more time right now. We are trying to work on our marriage and he realized (During counseling) he thinks the ADD is a bigger problem than he thought. Our Therapist is good at bringing it up and helping create solutions to some of the problems. We have been only a few times so far and are trying to work together to fix things. That is definitely one problem that I will be bringing up that we need to work on.