I don't know what to do to make it better.

History married 7.5 years with 2 kids 4 and 6.  I have 3 older kids from my first marriage that my spouse gets along very very well with.  My husband was not diagnosed with ADHD until 2 years or so ago even though everyone knew he had it.  I was thought to have anxiety my whole life but found it was another form of ADHD.  I am a type A over achiever my husband is an masters educated fumbling mess.  He was laid off from his job as a mathematics professor in January 2011 and has not worked since.  He takes care of the kids but he is flustered and forgetful, he is always late, always forgetting deadlines.  Our 4 year old lost his place in a very sought after preschool program because my husband forgot to get the paperwork in, the day of the screening he also arrived more than an hour late and with none of the paperwork filled in.  I pick up all the slack, work four jobs from home and beg him to find something.  I am so resentful of him not working but frankly I know the reason he was laid off first was because of his ADHD and being late, missing deadlines, etc.  I know he can never get another job he is 12 years old than me and at 58 and with all his flaws, it is over.  I cannot come to terms with it.  We had an incredible opportunity with a former student of his managing customer service for his business.  My husband and I were making a great salary and my husband could not do his work and so it was cut and cut and cut again and now it is 1/4 of what we were making.  That is why I have 3 other jobs and just applied for a very big executive level job in my field but I am so resentful that I need to miss my kids lives like this.  What is worse is there are so many things to get done around the house and he cannot focus.  He is on meds and so am I and he just has no focus.  He thinks no one notices but everyone does.  People think he is lying all the time but it is just the way he speaks, he cannot speak clearly or stay on one thought he is like a pinball ball and he is all over the place.  Frankly I am ashamed of him.  I mean he is a man with a Maters in mathematical sciences and understands things most people cannot begin to but he sounds and acts like a bumbling idiot.  He always makes us look bad, we are either late or he does thing with my family like promises to take  care of something and never follows through until they have to catch that he did not do it.  I am so tired of being put in that place with him.  Also he has no patience for our 6 year old who also has ADHD just like my husband and yells at him and rides him for the same things he does day in and out.  I have so much resentment for him that it is making me into a mean person and he keeps belittling me when I tell him I can't take it.  He tells me things like I cannot have a relationship with anyone else etc...  He tells me things like this and that he will never leave etc...  I feel so stuck, I have to work or we will lose our home, If I throw him out I will not be able to take care of the kids and work without help.  I am in a rock and a hard place.  This is not what I want, I do not want to raise my kids without a father.  Sometimes it feels like no one ever gets better and it seems all the relationships are doomed here and that just depresses the heck out of me.  We have been fighting nasty too, we stopped and now it is back, he swears at me, I say the most horrid things to him and I cannot see it getting better no matter how I pray and try.  The thing he does now is keeps changing his meds and now he is on Vyvanase and he tried to get me to switch, telling me how good it was etc.  The other day 10 of my pills are missing and now I will have 2 days I will be without my meds as I do not have enough.  He did this many times in the past but we were both on the same meds and he always gave me his and so he thinks it is not bad.  I know he must not have been feeling good with the Vyvannase and as always does not remember the consequences and tried my meds to see if there was anything different.  Well, I am so damn mad it is not funny.  I called our counselors who are married and both have ADHD the husband just like my husband and the wife just like me.  We are actually very good friend and we have even started biofeedback but it is always the same issues and I am tired and worn and do not know where to turn.  There is so much more but every where I turn if you look up husband called you a a##h##e it says leave him, if husband says FU it says leave him.  Really does no one have a success story anywhere, any hope at all?

The title of your post says it all

I don't know if I count as a "Success Story" because we are still on our journey, but I have been in a similar place to you in the past and I have managed to climb out of the mire and we are now in a better place. I am also optimistic, not just because that is my nature, but because I think that by learning and understanding about the causes of our demise will help us to avoid it in the future. Clearly you cannot continue as things are. You cannot have a good marriage or be good co-parents if you are ashamed of him and your anger and resentment will cause a downward spiral. But you don't know what to do to make it better.  Maybe you are procrastinating (a common ADHD trait) and you do know what to do but are not brave enough to do it?

You will not like this suggestion, but my only advice is that you need to take on MORE within your family not LESS. You probably think you do not have the capacity to do so, with 4 jobs plus current responsibilities plus you will resent the fact that you should have to, when your husband is not pulling his weight as you want him to. Nevertheless, it is the only way in the short term that you can instigate the type of changes you want. Identify the really important aspects of your life, and take 100% responsibility for them. Your husband has demonstrated that he cannot be relied upon in these matters. So next time important documents need to be completed by a deadline, do it yourself and ensure that they reach the right place on time. Keep your meds in your handbag, so he can't "borrow" them. Plan your outings with the kids, inform him of the plan and his role within it (ie be ready by 4pm) and follow through. Leave him behind if he is not ready. Remind yourself of why you are really doing these things (I want the best for my child) rather than dwelling on the fact that your husband should really be doing this. If you can let go of some of the resentment, you will find the mental capacity for the extra responsibilities.

Don't expect him to react well to these changes. He is probably feeling completely out of control at the moment, and is desperately trying to cover it up. Taking over his areas of responsibility will only highlight to him that he is failing in these areas. But you are not going to be able to sort out the fundamental problems in your relationship until you are feeling stronger and more secure. And this will only happen when you have greater control.

"He thinks no one notices but everyone does." Who is everyone? "People think he is lying all the time" What people? "He always makes us look bad" To whom? Are you more concerned about these spurious people outside of your family unit than those within?

I know my words are harsh. But re-read your posting. How harsh are you currently towards your husband? If you want things to change, then you have to start with the things you have the power to change. You are not able to change him, only he can do that.

 

Your words are not harsh and

Your words are not harsh and I have done that part and am doing the part with just taking on everything, I am doing his outdoor duties, painting, staining the deck, painting the house, following up with things that he was supposed to do.  He is not ashamed when I do it, the opposite like it leaves him more time to play the guitar.  So that definitely makes no impact.

 

As for the people who ask if he is lying, my brother, our friends, my cousin, etc.  These are anyone he is around, even the social worker who worked at his school etc.  Teachers at the school mention his erratic behavior.  People who matter in ours and our children's lives.