I dont know what to do now

I have been married for 13 years and found out a few years ago I had ADHD.  It all made since, the trouble in school, making the wrong decisions, trouble with financial reports etc.  I have ruined my marriage, alienated my wife, kids and her family.  Im loosing my wife and son in a current divorce.  Work is fine and starting to really improve.  My medication does not seem to work for long, maybe a few hours.  But I have made the choices that got me here.  How much of that can be ADHD?  I fell like its a copout to blame the ADHD.  I could see this all coming but  its like it was a hologram and I could not reach out and touch it or stop it.  Now I have no idea what to do.  I do not see any way to salvage the situation im in now.  It really seems like some of our problems were her fault, but I feel like if I even think of blaming her, I must be wrong.  I dont want this to effect my work.  All I have is working to hopefully pay for a decent and much improved life for my wife and son.  Is there any personal help that is available at no or little charge?  Money is tight for another month, then it will be much better, but I need help now.  How can a man with ADHD, who has done the things that I see time and time again on this site,  ever regain his life?  An apology seems pathetic and would be not well received anyway.  Im at the end of my rope and not looking for sympathy, just understand and some real one to one help/counseling.

Alone and deserve it

An ADDer in the process...

I was told to think of the cumulative damage that I could not seem to stop as "Making withdrawals from the Trust Bucket". This made a lot of sense to me. I had to begin making deposits to this Trust Bucket. I had no idea if the damage was too great and I could not control the final outcome. I had to do things better... Learning about the affects of ADD, getting the meds right and un-learning bad coping skills needed to be done and I could not expect a pat on the back for every new Right choice. I has to deal with the expectations of my repeat offenses even after not doing them. I had to create new expected behaviors and and this would take time. If you are here, this is a good sign. You have the chance to make things better, even if your wife will not forgive the errors of the past. An apology may seem like a useless gesture, because you know she is expecting one, but it is not useless at all. Own the mistakes and understand how you got there. It is possible to make things better. If your meds don't last long enough, talk to your doctor about it. Keep reading and posting here and you can learn more and share with others, it helps a lot... Trust me...

Trust Bucket

I like that analogy.  It creates a visual image i can see, like the "trash bin" on a computer desktop.  Unfortunately I am past the line where I cannot control the final outcome.  I have apologized but have no Idea wow that is received.  She is more than mad or disgusted with me, for the first time since I've known her, I feel hate.  She is not (was not) that kind of person.  I have to live with the fact that I made her that way.   Her family is coming for the holidays until second week in January.  She has told me she does not want me at the house.  She has told her family and 2 my 2 stepdaughters everything. 

I would yell after being asked the same question repeatedly, we stopped being intimate.  I turned to the internet and pornography to connect psychically to something.  This was a bad choice and not physical at all.  I have only known that Ive has ADHD for the last 2.5 years of our marriage.   I was so tired when I got home from work and wanted to sit and watch TV which was only seen as lazy, even though my income paid all the bills.  All the things ive done so wrong, all of her family now knows.  Sure its my fault for making such bad decisions but its hard that your stepdaughters know you were involved with pornography.  I did go to counseling and attended a support group to stop the internet addiction.  Still its hard  to be alone during the holidays, especially when you realize its only your fault.  I have only my faith to help me get through this and I will get through it, I just wish I knew of help for me that is available and resources for ADHD men.  

If you have ADHD and have trouble in your marriage, please share this information and this site with your spouse before its too late and regret it forever.  

Apologies....

Don't underestimate the power of honesty, acceptance, and apology.