I don't want to be this person.

I don't want to cause my partner so much anxiety, and anguish, and pain. We've been together for two years, living together for over a year, and now I worry that all these posts are how he really feels and isn't telling me. It makes me feel worthless. I am a successful (read: working) actress, I pay my bills on time, I don't get fired -- ever, I like to think I'm pretty emotionally well-adjusted (openhearted, with a distinct slant towards compassion), and I don't think I have that hyper-focus thing (if anything, I feel like he is the one pulling away after two years), but... I make piles. On tables, particularly. I don't notice when the floor needs mopping. I do the dishes, because that's something easily quantifiable on the Clean/Dirty spectrum, but I just don't notice when things aren't clean. I know my partner gets upset about the state the apartment is in, but I just don't know what he's talking about. Honest to God. He gets really depressed about it, and while he used to talk about us getting married, he hasn't mentioned it in months... And of course, gauging from what some of y'all say on here, I guess maybe we shouldn't. I never thought ADHD would keep the person I love from committing to me fully, but I think that may be what's happening. I'm so sad, and frustrated. I have tried so hard, and gotten so much better since I started living with him. But it's just not enough.

fuzzylogic72's picture

I understand you


Thanks for posting. I want to go on and on with a big post on how you should not be beating yourself up. Know that you are NOT alone in all of your feelings, and frankly it doesn't sound like you are even doing anything that's out of the ordinary for an average NON adhd person. Maybe it's not the adhd, and it's nothing to do with you being defective in some way. Maybe HE's the intolerant one, has unrealistic expectations, a lack of empathy etc. and you would be better off with someone more compatible. I'm not taking sides, and I really haven't heard enough, but from what you describe, you seem like a high-functioning adhd, and a caring person. It's not always ALL our fault. Remember that, and keep trying.

Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness and inadequacy are our greatest obstacles to moving up and forward in our relationships, and our lives. Things will get better; maybe with him, maybe without him, but with time and persistence they will get much better.


Have you asked him?

Have you asked him why he doesn't talk about marriage anymore?

I asked my guy some direct questions, and we had a good, specific discussion -- partly based on this site. He thought the comments here were preposterous ("Thank God you're not like these people!)", but my ADHD lifestyle issues were giving him doubts. I had no idea! We talked about specifics, and I tried to improve. I don't think I'm doing that amazing, but he said he's happy with the improvements. No ring, though. We have enough arguments about other things, I think. 

Anyway, it might be worth asking.

fuzzylogic72's picture

No Ring

Too funny!! (not really funny, but kinda funny); I just had my mother's engagement ring (i'm very sentimental) which I gave to my fiancee thrown into a drink at a bar in Cuba in front of her entire family, because I tried to talk to her sister in law about the difficulties of living inthe same house as her and her two kids, and her mom who interferes in our relationship (which my fiancee had admitted). After tossing the ring into my drink, she went and had drinks with some guy (stranger) at the bar for the rest of the night. So....yeah. Things are aren't just hard for the non's. If you don't have the ring, it may be Dharma.

(had a few drinks with a buddy, so I'm kinda just shooting off at the mouth... hope i'm not being inappropriate as usual...

Love to you ALL!!!

ebb and flow's picture

Maybe it's the lack of

Maybe it's the lack of communication between you that's getting him down.

And, trust me, the not cleaning up bit may not seem like a big deal to you... but to someone who does notice the mess, it could be just brewing inside him.

But really, a lot of non-ADDers believe that communication is key when it comes to finding 'the one'. If you guys aren't talking about marriage anymore maybe you should try bringing it up! Have the whole "where do we stand" conversation. I know it may be uncomfortable, but if you want to get married it's totally necessary to feel like you can be open and vulnerably speak to your partner.

And maybe, just side note about the mopping, you can just mark on your calendar to do it once a week or month so that you don't have to leave it up to "noticing when its dirty"...or even leaving it up to your partner to do.


fuzzylogic72's picture


...then we have to set an alarm on the phone to remind us to check the calendar lol. (then pray we don't lose our phone/charger)!

ebb and flow's picture

True. Then you'd have to do


Then you'd have to look at the calendar immediately when the alarm goes off... or else, poof! its gone from memory forever! ;p