Hi there,
I am posting for the first time. I have been with my husband who has ADHD (mixed type) for about 1.5 years and married for about 2 months. We have our large family wedding coming up in 2 months and he hasn't done anything for it. He was supposed to get addresses for certain guests to invite them-still hasn't happened (so none of them have gotten save the dates), he was supposed to organize the music-no follow through and he hasn't done anything regarding his groomsmen's outfits or organizing them in anyway. He gets angry saying that I have made all the decisions for this wedding, but has poor insight into the fact that he hasn't followed through on what he claimed would be his part. I had asked him to get the addresses 7 months ago and as I said before it hasn't been done. What he has gotten is the result of my standing over him while he e-mailed/called. Today I am home alone, on a day he was supposed to finish up on wedding things...he decided to stay over a friend's house last night and is now at the beach.
Overall I have gotten depressed and angry over all the wedding stuff, and I am scared that this is going to be a metaphor for our life together. Him wanting to do something, me not trusting him to do it but letting him anyway, then he not following through and me getting angry and insulting.
To make matters worse, he had been on medications for the past few years, got into medical school and did well his first year. Over the summer break he decided to stop the meds and he has started taking even longer then before to do anything (a simple e-mail to a friend who is tie dying for us for the wedding took him 1 hour to write-it was horrible). He admits that he takes longer to do things, but also feels "more like myself" now that he is off the meds. I give him feedback about my concerns and he doesn't really hear me. I am scared he is like someone who is bipolar and goes off their meds when feeling well and thinks all is well and then comes crashing down. I have invested my life in this person (moved abroad, quite my job, changed everything) because I love him and his adventurous side. Now I am scared that this will all be a mess and this wedding planning is just the beginning. I can't seem to calm within the relationship because of this.
Please, any advice or perspective on this situation will be most helpful. I can't have a good, clear, calm communication with him because I am so upset and have been for sometime. I want this relationship to work and I hate what I have become. Help!
take care of yourself
Submitted by BreadBaker on
What you're seeing IS just the beginning. You NEED to get him into better therapy, or it will only go downhill from here.
You may be facing a painful break-up here, but it's still easier than divorce. I hope everything turns out ok for you, whatever it is that you do. <hugs>
Wedding #2 Coming Up
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I'm assuming that what you mean when you say "we have our large family wedding coming up" is that you had a quiet ceremony or one out of the country and are now having your second? I believe you are already married?
In any event, what you describe is pretty typical distraction behavior for someone with ADD - it may also be avoidance (doesn't like to do these types of tasks, hence it's easier to put them off/ forget them).
This will likely be the metaphor for your life unless you interupt the pattern now. I wouldn't interupt it over wedding plans (too stressful a situation for everyone - likely to distort your feelings, his responses, etc) but I would start immediately following up on the ADD issues and their importance to you. He needs to understand how important to you and to your life together it is that he treat his ADHD symptoms. He also needs to understand that "treating" doesn't need to mean that he doesn't feel like himself. With ADD treatment you work with a doctor to find the medication and behavioral changes that don't have any side effects (and not feeling like yourself is a bad side effect to be avoided). So the solution for him isn't to stop taking his meds, but to find different meds or a different non-med treatment if he runs through the meds and none of them work. Help him understand that not treating his ADD has a "side effect" also - it will hurt his relationship with you because his untreated ADD symptoms will get in the way of your running a household and successfully having a family together. It has nothing to do with letting him be him, and everything to do with letting "us" (the two of you) be the best you can be together.
Get this straightened out between you before you have kids because kids adds a million percent more pressure on ADD relationships because logistics get so much more complicated. An untreated ADD person has trouble holding up their end of the logistics, putting extra pressure on the non-ADD spouse, which ends up generally resulting in frustration and anger that then takes its toll on the marriage (evidence of this result is found in almost every post in this forum as well as in your current experiences). Bottom line? Treatment isn't optional - he's going to have to figure it out...and quick.
You can also help yourself by not letting fear of an unknown future get in your way. When we are fearful we tend to make bad decisions and/or get paralyzed. You mention that you can't have a good conversation with him because you are so upset - but it is primarily your FEAR which is causing the upset (if you knew that he would be awful for the wedding, but that he would be angelic for the rest of your life, would you be unable to talk with him?) Rather than let fear control you, think of it this way - you are catching this very early, and there is much that you still love about this man (including the adventurous side of him, which is almost certainly related to his ADD). Take extra time to calm yourself and allow yourself to have faith that you will be able to address this together and that things will turn out fine (note that most of the folks on this forum have had YEARS of very bad things happening to them without mitigation, so their situation is quite different from yours. You can learn from this site and put those learnings into place before the bad feelings and bad habits start).
You both need to know that meds alone won't help your spouse do better with the logistical side of your relationship. The meds are simply a tool that will provide him with enough focus that he can then expend energy on creating tactics that help him get things done. Lists, alarms, reminders, picking chores he likes the best, posting instructions...whatever works for him is fair game. Also important for you both is that once he takes something on you should let him do it his way, even if it doesn't make sense to you because it's inefficient or "illogical". The ADD brain works in different sequences ("flat") than the non-ADD brain (hierarchical). But if you give him too much instruction about how to do something he'll just back away from it altogether - not the result you want. So there is this fine line - you need to put some routines into your relationship which allow you to step in and remind him that something is "pending" and needs to get done, or that it's time he pay more attention to you, without stepping on how he does something. Each couple does this differently and finds their own way on this one. The critical part is that whatever routine you come up with has to work for both of you and remain respectful in both directions (i.e. he has to feel comfortable accepting your comment without feeling it is a criticism of him, and you need to deliver it in the way you've pre-agreed so he can do this).
Good luck with the wedding planning...we're rooting for you!
P.S. You CAN stop being "emotionally abusive" - you have complete control over your behavior - just say "no". We convince ourselevs that we must make our point (to the point of belittling or being abusive to our partners) because "so much is at stake" but trust me when I say that if you don't start to control this behavior, then your marriage will soon be dead...even before it gets off the ground. Your husband deserves your respect, and there is no respect in mistreating another. Do not let yourself become a person whom you don't want to be (and don't like) just because you fear the future. Better to say "no" to being abusive and seeing what happens (you'll find, among other things, that you get better "compliance" from your spouse...you'll also find that he'll be forced to take responsibility for his actions, because he won't be able to blame you for your abuse).