I Fear my Wife has had Enough of Me

Hi all,

I hope everyone is well. I’m here for a bit of advice. I’ve been a long time lurker and also posted coming up to a year ago now about mine and my wife’s marriage. In summary, we separated about a year ago (entirely my doing and my fault, and I take no pleasure in writing that). We’ve been back together since the start of the year. I love her and my family dearly. Almost definitely more than they’ll ever know.

Bit of background -

- We’ve been together for about 8 and a half years

- 3 kids, 1 year, 6 years & 7 years

- She has autism, I have ADHD (severe, combined) 

I’ve truly made a real effort since we got back together at the start of the year. I want to be a better husband. I want to be a better father. 

I’m certain I’ve made improvements in both whilst also accepting that there is certainly room for significant improvement. I’ve tried, I’ve really, truly and genuinely tried. Has it always been good? No, not always. But, In fairness, I know she isn’t looking for perfection and her expectations are realistic. 

I’m trying to understand and make sense of where things are at currently and whether my feelings are driven by ADHD/RSD, whether it’s my past actions, or whether it’s just ‘the plain and simple truth’. I’m 100% committed to doing whatever needs to be done, but I fear that she doesn’t actually want to be with me and, therefore, whatever I do won’t be enough to make her love me and want to be with me. Just writing that out feels like a million knives. 

Here’s a brief summary:

- I don’t think she likes me at all. 

- I don’t think she actually wants to be around me. 

- I think that if I didn’t say “I love you” first, she’d never say it

- We’re not intimate at all. I don’t just mean sex, I mean any form of intimacy.

All of the above is making my head run wild and I’ve spent so much energy trying to work things out and make sense of it all, but I can’t, hence the post I guess. 

Is this all in my head? 

Is it all true? 

I just don’t know. I do often get into my own head but actions speak louder than words and the actions I’m seeing heavily suggest that she simply hates me and wishes I wasn’t around. 

I’d like to understand this, but also continue working on being a better husband and a better father. I’m 100% committed to this. 

I’d be so appreciative of some help or guidance if anyone wouldn’t mind?