I have just found this blog today and have been reading it off and on all day. I can relate to most of what everyone says but I think my situation might be slightly different. I am hoping someone out there can help me understand if our problems are a result of my husband's untreated ADHD or is it just me? Am I that terrible of a wife? My husband and I have only been married for just over a year and a half. We have literally had problems since the day we got married. For the year and a half we dated, everything (most everything) was wonderful. I have been married once before and my husband has been married twice before. It feels like we were destined to doom before we started.
I think my husband's symptoms of ADHD are slightly different than some of the posts I've read so I'm not sure if the ADHD is causing the issues in our marriage or if it just me. In talking to my husband's mom, she confirmed that he had been diagnosed with ADHD as a child and that his adolescence was a very trying time for her. He is also OCD. So, everything has to be just perfect. Spices have to be arranged a certain way. Things can only be stacked in even numbers, laundry folded a certain way, etc. My husband joined the military at age 27 and excelled at the active duty military life. He won multiple awards, was promoted quickly, etc. He doesn't forget to pay bills or pick things up. However, he forgets conversations we have, he follows me around the house asking me the same questions over and over as if the answer I am giving him isn't the answer he wants so he keeps asking until I am worn down and change my answer to satisfy him. When we talk on the phone he answers everything I say with "ok, that's good". Even when I test him and tell him the cat has died - I know he's not paying any attention to what I am saying. If he calls me and I don't pick up, he will call back 5 to 12 times in a row. He will yell at me and say "my wife" should talk to me when I call. He'll say, "you're the only person I know that won't tell the person you're talking to on the phone to hold on so I can click over and talk to him". When he goes to play tennis at night and comes home, if I'm on the phone with my mom or friend, he'll tell me I should talk on the phone when he's not there so when he gets home we can spend time together. But then he'll say he will never want to spend time with me in the house just hanging out or watching a movie because he is a social person and people like him. He prefers to stay up all night drinking and sleep for only 3 to 4 hours maximum. He just got out of the military in December of 2011. He got a job in sales January/Feb of 2012 and was fired in July for failing an alcohol breathalyzer test at 8 am in the morning. He has outbursts of rage telling me I have no friends and am not social enough. It's not enough that I go to parties with him or go to watch him play tennis or play volleyball but he blows up at me when I'm ready to leave since we are the last ones left at the party or event. He hounds me over the smallest things. I run a tight budget in our household because money doesn't grow on trees. We each get $200 a month to spend on ourselves on whatever we want. I usually get my nails done, or buy my makeup, hair colored, etc. It varies from month to month and when my $200 is gone, I don't buy myself anything else until the next month. however, he always goes over by several hundred dollars and says he deserves more money and that it's not fair that he doesn't get more. He'll go to the bar with his tennis buddies after tennis practice for a few beers and then come home at 4 AM. He plays the "what if" game and then relentlessly rides my ass when i don't play along. For example he'll say, what if in 5 years, I get a good job in South Carolina, and you have a good job here where we live now, can we move? Even though I told him when we were dating that I wouldn't move away from where I was now because my children's father lived here, and I wouldn't move and rip my children out of their dad's life. I told him, if he wanted to be with me he needed to consider what that meant - being a step dad, living where we were, my extremely busy schedule being a parent and full time job, etc. I cautioned him again when he proposed. he said he understood. Ever since we got married, he hounds me ever day about moving. He is constantly wanting me to look at condos at the beach to buy even though we don't have ANY money to do this and then gets in a rage when I'm not super excited to look at houses we aren't going to buy at the beach.
He just got a new job in South Carolina two weeks ago and calls me today to say he isn't ever coming back and doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I called his mom and brother and they both basically said, "we really hoped it would work this time". His mom says every failed relationship he has ever had as been because of his ADHD and his issues. Now, I'm not saying I don't get angry and lash back out with all of the non-stop calls when i don't answer the firs time. I have been very retaliatory and i take ownership for that. Is it just me?