I feel like I'm going to explode . . .

It all started when I got laid off from my job.  My boyfriend (ADHD) and I were having trouble paying the rent on our place (since he doesn't work) and we had to move out.  Not having anywhere to go, his father, who owns an apartment building, said we could live in an illegal basement apartment (exposed furnaces/water heaters, generally unpleasant) in the building.  I would pay $150 to cover the utilities and his son would need to engage in a work exchange helping him out with maintenance etc.  We've been here for about a year (I've since gotten only a part-time job) until last week when his father basically said he wants us out, citing his son's lack of motivation helping him in exchange for the place we're in and basic 'cleanliness' issues.  This is the kicker though, for the past year I've basically been living in a teenager's bedroom/storage place full of an IMMENSE amount my boyfriend's belongings (which is probably a fire hazard) scattered about in no particular organization.  He doesn't clean (I do all the cleaning) and because of the way a lot of it is arranged, I can't get to some of it to dust and I'm not going to kill myself trying).  I'd started being a little lax about organizing my very few belongings (the rest is in storage at my mom's because it doesn't fit with all his stuff here) because I felt there was no point and would be a waste of energy considering the mess of his I was already living in.  But, the issue with 'cleanliness' his dad cited to us, every single thing he listed that bothered him, was something of mine.  I was shocked!  My clothes hanging on a clothes rack, my laundry basket in the bathroom, 3 cardboard boxes I had stacked next to a corner full of empty electronics boxes (about 12) of my boyfriends and the way some countertop items were organized in the kitchen.  I am absolutely irate about this!  At the time I was so shocked that I didn't say anything.  Now, I'm trying to get a full time job, find us a place to live, and find my boyfriend a job while he sits in the living room amongst his clutter and listens to records all day.  ALL DAY.  The only time he lifts a finger is to start packing and organizing MY BELONGINGS.  He hasn't touched a single thing of his or looked for a job.  Now, on top of everything else, my mom is in the hospital and they don't want to let her go back home.  They are trying to put her in a nursing home.  I'm trying to handle this everyday now.  I really think I am going to explode under all this stress.  Also, yesterday, I had an important phone interview for a job that also included a webinar that I needed to use the computer for (just a half hour) and my boyfriend threw a tantrum about not being able to use the internet while I was on the phone doing the interview (it was really embarrassing).  This is after I already ran it by him and told him that for that half-hour I would need to be on the computer.  He is actively working against me at this point.  The problem is that on most days I now spend all my time working, figuring out my mom's situation, looking for another job, looking for a place to live, and looking for a job for my boyfriend that all the little free time I get MUST be spent relaxing so I don't completely LOSE IT.  But, whenever my boyfriend sees me relaxing, he takes that as a cue to start asking me about my stuff and how he should pack it etc. and if I get upset he uses the fact that he's "helping me pack" against me and saying that I'm ungrateful.  I just want to RELAX.  I don't want to spend every single second of my conscious awareness dealing with something.  Not to mention that IF he gets a job and we got a place, it would literally take me 3 hours tops to pack and load my stuff into my car.  I have that few belongings here.  He gets upset and throws his 'helping me' in my face if I tell him that his time would be better spent dealing with HIS possessions and most importantly LOOKING FOR A JOB.  Because we can't move until he does.  I really feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  I really do.  I had been suppressing my emotions about living in his cluttered mess this whole year because I was simply grateful to have a place, but then to have his father basically ignore his son's mess to focus on my few things being sort of un-organized as a reason he wants us out??  I can't handle the emotions I'm feeling right now.  I really can't.  Also, now during the time that we're still here I feel like I have to obsessively keep my stuff organized and put away while my boyfriend gets to just toss his stuff around like he usually does.  The double standard is slowly killing me.

Ready to explode...

I don.t want to be discouraging.  But please take my advise - RUN, FAST, NOW - save yourself while you still can.  Move anywhere without him, a homeless shelter, a friend, rent a room.  Unless you want to deal with these issues every day you are with him.  


Your mom's situation is probably on your mind more than you realize.  When our parents can not be there for us anymore, it makes us feel more alone and vulnerable in the world.  

On this board, we see that it is the women who hang on the longest to unhappy relationships.  The men are quicker to move out.   Men still have more opportunities for better wages than women.  It is no wonder that we do a slow burn when the men in our lives don't put in an effort to earn enough of a living to care for their loved ones financially.  I believe that many of us "good girls" expected that we would be loved.  Truth is, some of us just don't have anyone else to turn to and don't have the self confidence to go it alone.  Find good friends.  Join supportive groups.  Get help anywhere and everywhere you can find it.  Go to a safe harbor if you must.  Talk to your family.  You need some support emotionally, financially and community-wise.  We all need community...part of the reason we are on this site.

One thought....what is your family going to be paying monthly for your mom in a nursing home?  Could they pay you that much to run the house with you and her living there?  Nursing homes run $2000 to $8000/month.  

Help yourself

CF, I hear the stress and fatigue in your post. I am glad you are voicing that you feel on the verge of a breakdown. I think you should listen to yourself and realize that you now need to take care of and help yourself...that is what your mind and heart are trying to tell you.

Don't beat yourself up. You thought you had found a solution and it worked for a while, and it also allowed you to take care of your boyfriend. But now that it is coming unraveled, you can see that this whole thing is not good for you long term. Plus you have your own family to worry about. Listen to what you are saying--you are trying to get a job, find a place, and get your boyfriend a job--and your boyfriend is sitting around listening to records. 

Dear, as if you were my own daughter, can I ask: why are you with this guy? I know you may care about each other, but he is not capable of taking care of himself and he has had over a year to get some type of job. You already lost your apartment because of him. Now, for whatever reason, his father is tired of taking care of him, too, and you are going to lose this place. He is causing your stress and insecurity in this world. He is not capable of having your back or even doing menial tasks for his dad in exchange for living in a basement. He is going to keep sitting around listening to records until he is homeless. Use his dad's displeasure as your reason to leave--it may not be fair, but this guy is his son and family tends to be loyal even if it means making you a scapegoat. Do you have a friend, anyone, you can stay with for a bit while you focus on getting two jobs, whatever it takes to get your own place? 

And then, no matter what, do not let him move back in with you. Escape from supporting him and don't go back. Find a counselor or someone to talk to. Focus on yourself and your mom. My best to you.