I know that is a foolish way to think of this, but I am trying to be totally honest so I can get help to get over these horrible feelings. My husband is a good man, he loves our kids and me dearly. But ever since he was diagnosed with ADHD, I have had a hard time thinking of him as just a regular guy. He has (in my EXTREMELY limited opinion/knowledge on the topic) very mild issues with ADHD. Our entire 20 year marriage has been OK, but with me always thinking he was really selfish/childish. I always had the hope that it would change....but now, his doctor tells us that it doesn't ever go away, but can be "helped" some. This basically knocked all hope out of me. Now, I feel like a some sort of sick predator who has taken advantage of this nice guy who just can't help what he does or says or perceives. I am drowning in guilt over this. I have read that people with ADHD are just as intelligent as every other person around them, so I should NOT be feeling this way. I can't help it though. My gosh, when it comes to having sex, I feel disgusted at myself, as if I had molested him or somehow forced him into it. I feel like even though he wanted to be with me as much as I did, that maybe he doesn't actually know any better & I should not even think of him that way. I KNOW these are ridiculous feelings, so HOW ON EARTH DO I MAKE THEM GO AWAY???
I have thought years ago that ADHD (or some other issue) could be going on & I asked him to speak to someone about it. He did see one doctor that suggested he be tested & said he believed that my husband did have ADHD. I guess I should have pushed for help for him then, but I didn't. Maybe I was being selfish and didn't want to face it as a real problem. I don't know. But now we have children & I have become even more guilt ridden because I worry that they may have issues like his too. (Now, the doctor has said it is not thought to be genetic, so that gives me some relief.)
I think it has all just been a huge weight put on my shoulders. I worry to death to leave the kids with my husband, although they have always been ok with him. I'm worried he will get distracted by whatever & he won't be watching them closely enough. I have a hard time even running out to get my hair cut over fears like this. I actually want my 10 year old daughter to be home with the younger ones even though my husband is there watching them all. I never tell her she's watching them, but just having her there helps me be able to get things done that I have to do. I know she would immediately call me if she didnt' think everything was ok.
I am having such a hard time dealing with all this guilt. My husband has never felt better. He now has an answer to all the things that he did that bugged him & me. He has what he needed to help him feel better about all of it & I am extremely relieved for him. I just have to figure out how to deal with my ignorant issues that I have about it. I feel bad because I knew something wasn't right a long time ago & I did nothing. I feel bad because I don't know how to help now. I feel bad because I have lost hope. I feel bad because I have begun to think of him as one of my children & not the love of my life anymore. I feel bad for thinking of my husband as childlike now & because of THAT I think of myself as a disgusting perverted predator who's taken advantage of this poor man for decades.
So, now, after I have told you my horrible feelings & let you know just what a terrible wife I am, I am asking for your help. Any advice on how to get a grip on my feelings about my husband's ADHD would be sincerely appreciated. Any things you have learned that have helped you deal with your own problems would help too. I want you to understand that I love my husband more than I can ever explain. He is my world. But since the day he was diagnosed, these feelings seemed to just fall on top of me & I can't climb out from under them. Please, any ideas or suggestions are greatly appreciated. I am desperate.