I don't know what to do. I wish I had found this forum before I got married.

I have shed so many tears reading all your stories. For all of you, and for myself. All the signs were there. He was diagnosed a couple years ago and I've known. But I never attributed all these problems to the ADHD! We've been together over 10 years and we just got married. I feel like an utter failure for not being strong enough or allowing myself to think about ending it. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. All these things. The sexless marriage, not speaking, being upset, having to nag and nag without result, the disturbing porn (SO MUCH OF IT!). He goes out all night and doesn't tell me where he's been. I know he isn't cheating but I started wishing he would so I could file for divorce without guilt. I've gotten to the point where I'd rather stay at work than see him in the evenings. I never want to come home because he makes me feel so bad about myself. I can't take it anymore.  I look for things to argue about because I'm not happy. He's walking on eggshells around me, because he doesn't want to upset me but he makes the stupidest decisions when it counts! I have tried to understand but I can't anymore.

We never go out anywhere. Any time we've gone away on a trip or planned anything, it's been me doing all the work and making all the arrangements. I've given him so many ultimatums but he always continues the same behavior and I can never act on my threats. This isn't a way to live. I am unhappy! No one knows what I'm going through and I feel alone.

I've been reading all the stories and people keep saying "baby steps" or "today is a good day" or "learning to live with it" and such. Has anyone's life really changed out there? I honestly want to know. Maybe I'm in the wrong part of the forum, but the only relief I see is from people who have finally made the decision to break up.

I think if I stay with him, I'll never get what I want out of life. I want to travel! I want to be surprised by a romantic gesture, I want to go away for weekends, I want him to actually wake up in the morning and do something without me being up for 3 hours first and watch the day go by. I want to be able to trust someone and rely on them. I do not want to start a family with him! I feel like I'm wasting my life on someone who can't give me what I need to be happy. I see my friends with their husbands and wives and feel envy. They look happy together. They talk and joke. They go out to do things together. They plan trips and go out on dates and activities. They look at each other with love and they say nice things about each other without feeling embarrassed.

We love the same things. He makes me laugh. He's a good person. He's smart. He can be deep and say the nicest things, but always when he thinks things are falling apart. His friends think very highly of him and everyone always tells me how lucky I am because he's such a great guy but they don't know what it's like to live with him. He says that he loves me, but I feel like I'm never in his mind when he makes any decisions. 

I'm at a loss for what to do. Do I fight for something that will likely not bring me any happiness? Do I go to therapy with him and hope for a few good days every month or do I try to start my life over alone? Do I essentially start a completely new life? After spending 1/3 of it with someone who I actually love? I don't feel like I love him right now, but there are moments that I do still. The feelings are still there, although buried under frustration and anger.

I don't know what he would do to himself if I leave him.