DH had ADHD. He is on meds and really trying to work on himself. He works from home which makes it difficult for him to focus sometimes (working from an office is not up for discussion). Sometimes when I need his attention he will say things like "I need 5 minutes to focus on this first." I try to respect that and give him his space to focus on what he was working on before I came in. However, when a half hour goes by and I am still waiting, I get frustrated. If I try to remind him that I am waiting or go back into his office he gets angry and feels pressured. Yet, at least four or five times a week he ends up saying something like "Oh, I forgot you were waiting for me." I love my husband and want him to succeed. I just don't know how to deal with my own feelings of being forgotten about.
Tough one.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Tough one. You might ask your husband during a neutral time about an agreed method of 'reminding' him when this occurs. Any agreed method will also probably have limitations on continued success.
Hi Surrounded....
Submitted by c ur self on
You worded this post 100% correct in my opinion....So many times we put the issues on the heart and mind that is unwilling or incapable of seeing themselves (confessing their sins)....I get the same treatment....So what happens to us? We, the receiver of this unconcern and uncaring acts, get very tunnel visioned on the problem...(Them!)....But Them! ain't changing!!....So the disappointment we feel, starts leading to grudges, or worse...Our expectations for Them! instead of acceptance of them...Leads to the things you stated...Feelings we do not know how to deal with....
I've written many posts on this site (found by clicking my screen name if interested) about my own efforts to accept my wife's self absorbed life style......So I can live and move on with my own life (stop being held hostage by her unconcern) w/o expecting her to show care like so many can.....I need peace...You need peace...It will never come thinking our spouses will ever meet our needs....So I suggest you work on acceptance, and go forward with your own life, knowing you can't depend on any consistency in him keeping his word....(kind of like he doesn't exist, because he doesn't in many area's, when it comes to the expectations you have been placing on him)
I don't have to go out and sin against my wife, in order to live a full life....But, waiting on her (expecting) to come along side me, like a caring wife should, guarantees' a painful existence of unmeet needs....
Blessings
c
Wow, I see a lot of pain
Submitted by Surrounded on
Wow, I see a lot of pain behind your words. I am not sure it is fair to think that they can never meet our needs. My husband tries very hard. I know that he is not uncaring, nor would it be accurate to say that he does not express his love. He simply does it in ways that are not the same as mine. We are trying an experiment right now based on the 5 Love Languages. We each wrote a list for the other of things that make us feel loved. For example, I feel loved when my husband makes me coffee in the morning, when he leaves me notes or when he takes a few minutes to be with me in the middle of his day. He feels loved when I take care of his dry cleaning without him asking, when I make him dinner and when I give him words of appreciation. We are each trying to do at least 2 or three things from the other person's list every day. This way, even if he "forgets" that I am waiting I can think about the coffee, the note, the dinner he made last night, etc and feel loved. I hope it works.
Pain...Yes....Mostly self inflicted....
Submitted by c ur self on
(I am not sure it is fair to think that they can never meet our needs.)
I'm glad your spouse is working with you...IF he recognizes (both of u) his tendencies that negativity impact you and the relationship, you have a wonderful chance of having a healthy attachment...My wife is in denial about her life style and the impact it has on others....She knows, but, she thinks it's Ok, She should be allowed concessions, no matter the cost to me or others...
Yes, many of our spouse's have the tools to meet our needs....The problem is the same for all humans....There is just limited time, and capabilities for each 24 hour day we are allowed to live....So there must be priorities set in all of our lives....(Spouses should be number 1 in this life).....When a spouse is locked in a mind (self absorbed) that is constantly stirring their wants and desires for self entertainment instead of responsibility....What you get is skewed priorities...Which because of the love (addiction) of a self based life, they will most always turn defensive (when confronted) so as to justify this abandonment of responsibilities in the marriage.....
I'm so glad you haven't been thus treated....
c
ADHD is hard on both sides
Submitted by Wit on
I don't know you, but I deeply feel the pain in your words.
I am the one in my marriage who has ADHD. I know I have hurt my wife and kids many times with my selfishness, irritability, defensiveness and anger. I often get so completely overwhelmed inside my own head that I cannot bear the thought of one more thing, but that's almost impossible for anyone without ADHD to understand. On the outside it looks like I am doing nothing and could care less, or worse, like I am upset over nothing. On the inside I am in a downward spiral of shame and guilt from not being who I should be and doing what I should do. I struggle mentally and emotionally every day to climb my way out of this hole so I can do the right things to show my family how much I care for them. The effort is monumental and, to others, completely invisible. Sometimes I can just about manage to do something meaningful. However, it's often just too painful so I end up distracting myself with things that entertain, which just feeds the shame and guilt cycle.
In case you're wondering...I am constantly working to make my situation better. I am on medication. I have had counseling from qualified professionals. I read about my condition regularly looking for solutions. I have not given up.
Please don't misunderstand, I am not trying to tell you that your wife is going through exactly what I am. ADHD is different for different people. I'm also not trying to tell you what to do. I don't have the right to do that. I write this because I want you and others to know that with ADHD, what you see is often not what you get. Intention does not equal performance. My hope is that when your wife disappoints you yet again, what I have written may help you in some way to understand her better, or give you a little hope, or soften the emotional blow. If instead I have inadvertently offended you, I am truly sorry. Sometimes that happens, but it's not my intent. Please feel free to disregard anything I said that you did not find helpful.
Hi Wit...How refreshingly honest....
Submitted by c ur self on
Thank you for this....I feel you have described my wife pretty well...(The shame, etc) But I would like to add this....And maybe it can help you as well.....Trust the person who loves you, and endures the chaos because they do love you!....Most of the time my wife is her on worst enemy (we all can be, and usually are)....Justifying bad habits (not directing this at you in any way, like you said, we all are different) isn't a product of add/adhd, it's a choice.....
I do not know about most adder's (except what I have read here for over 5 years) but the hopeless feelings for the spouse's (this spouse anyway) isn't about the add symptoms, its about justifying bad habits, and thoughtless behaviors...
Simple example....My wife was late for work last night (a tardy, counts against her)...Why? Well no matter what shift she is on (she has worked them all, in the 11 years we have been married) she sets multiple alarms on her iphone, and then hit's snooze from anywhere from and hour, until she has to jump out of bed, and be in that mind you were talking about (overwhelmed, blurting out stuff like DONT TALK TO ME!) because she didn't leave herself enough time to take care of her needs, her searches, her lunch etc......But she thinks it's OK to talk to me...With all of her...Will u do this? will u do that's?....How convenient of a life that must be for her...LOL....( a little sarcasm i know, but true non the less)....This isn't adhd....This is a bad habit, that she refuses to do anything about...There are others, but, I want go on....I do thank you for your kindness, and honesty....
The thing about justifying bad habits, (no matter how our minds work) that just piles more and more dysfunction on herself and everyone in the family, and guarantees her being in a mind unfit for communication with me....So what is a spouse to do, to avoid the fallout of this refusal to discipline their lives?....Accept it, and do what ever it takes to not enable it....When a husband or wife refuses to recognize their intrusiveness on their spouse, and only gets angry and defensive when it's pointed out (don't care)....We must recognize that, and just accept that that is the way it's going to be...Once we stop creating conflict by pointing out the obvious lack of discipline (thinking they care enough to change the intentional bad habits) then we can start changing our own lives to find ways to have peace...
We don't have to stop loving our spouses, in order to set up boundaries that limit communications attempts, that limit our ability to engage, and share...As a matter of fact, it's just disrespectful and shows a lack of love when we don't see them for who they want to be....No matter what they vowed at the alter.....Our words are meaningless when they don't match our actions...
Thanks for your reply Wit,, I wish you and your family well!
c
C Ur Self: Generally
Submitted by SweetandSour on
C Ur Self: Generally speaking you are on the right track and have implemented good things in your relationship and have helped a lot of people on here, but I am moved to point out a couple of things from this last post. You say your wife "doesn't care" and that you think at some points, but decide you're mistaken that "she cares enough to change". With respect, those are judgements that you are making about her intentions. She may care very much, but has been unable to change those things - maybe because she literally cannot. ADHD may be the cause - if she is truly not capable of maintaining the focus needed, if she has difficulty planning ahead or seeing consequences, if her only sense of time is "now/not now" - all hallmarks of ADHD. And what we're talking about with ADHD is a cognitive disorder, so that's not someone's choice - just like some people can't learn to read or do math - not because they don't care - because they have a cognitive disorder and they actually cannot do those things. You also say something about - this is the way they "want to be" - again - not necessarilly so - and actually, unlikely. That last minute panic thing may be more comfortable to your wife than it is to you because she's more accustomed to it, but she probably doesn't want to live like that. She's probably been fighting all kinds of inner battles her whole life, so maybe some of them she has chosen to give up on, but maybe because she can't fight them all, all the time. I think one of the things the ADHDers on here have tried to communicate, as above with Wit, is how hard they are trying all the time, even though we may not be able to tell.
Thumbs up.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Well stated. I have no idea what it is like to be my fiancee, and I never will.
Thank you....SweetandSour....
Submitted by c ur self on
You are a wise and precious person, and I needed to hear that....The up and down behaviors, cause me to fall right back into expectations many times....I can never judge intent in someone else's heart and mind....I don't have to judge intent, when I quietly walk away from words and actions that tear down, instead of promoting a healthy relationship...
c