I first have to say how grateful I am for this forum. I've been reading and reading but hadn't joined. But I have no where else to vent or ask for help. I don't have many friends and the ones who understood what I am going through, I've had to stop talking to because of trust issues with my husband and I. So I'm coming here, hoping for help. Hoping for any tidbit that will make me not drive my husband and family nuts.
I was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD back when I was 19. I'm 44 now. I've tried Adderall, Strattera, you name it. I've tried it. None of it seems to help, although I'm on Wellbutrin 300 mg a day now. It's all my public assistance will cover for ADHD since I can't afford the copays and whatnot with the crap insurance I get from my job.
I'm in counseling now, primarily for the sexual abuse that I've suffered for the majority of my life, but that's a recent thing. I'm a mess. It seems the harder I try, the more I fail. My husband is drained. Mentally, physically and emotionally it seems, too.
He's a good man. And he does try to understand, I think. But he keeps losing patience with me. Just when I think I'm finally doing it, that I'm on top of things, making him proud and not disgusted with me, I find out, yeah I'm doing great at one thing and severely screwing up another. I try to write notes to myself, but I forget where I put them half the time in my struggle to stay on top of things. He's disabled physically (something he blames me and my kids for at least in part) and I try to keep up on all the housework, work a full time job I'm fighting for success at, take care of the kids and stepkids, work on my art business. I'm incredibly overwhelmed! Every day from the second I wake up to the time I go to bed, I'm struggling just to get through the day. Every day is an internal battle to just remember, remember, remember. And no one seems to understand what I'm going through. My whole life I've been called an airhead, scattered, immature, stupid, a mess, a ditz...I could go on and on. There are days I just wish I were dead and gone and then, I wouldn't be such a burden and a failure anymore.
My husband feels like he has to take over the adult role in our relationship and take care of me. And he's disabled and wants someone to take care of HIM the way he's been fighting to take care of everyone else his whole life. And I try. I truly do. To the point that I'm a freaking nervous wreck. I'm just disgusted with myself because I feel I'm just not the woman he needs me to be and may never be.
Last night he tells me that he's happy and calm until I come home. Then, apparently, my nervous energy annoys him and stresses him out. I work 3 to 11:30 pm and after a stressful day at work, it takes me a bit of time to calm down and relax. If I were working a regular day job, I could just throw myself into the after work schedule of cooking, cleaning, family. But at night, the kids are asleep, it's too late to do housework and it's just the two of us. I just don't understand. Why am I so unacceptable? Why am I such a a mess despite trying so hard to NOT be one? I try so hard. So, so hard. I can't tell you the books and articles I've read, trying to understand my condition. All the tips and tricks where I've tried to stay organized and failed. My husband is frustrated. He's SUPER organized. He's a clean freak. He's always neat and tidy. He wants to know why can't I be, too? Why can't I be more like him or just try harder or why can't I just calm down? Why can't I just sit down and relax? Why can't I remember simple tasks, why can't I stay organized? It's all I feel like I hear anymore. Sometimes it's so overwhelming that I just ask him to please, please tell me ONE nice thing about myself so I don't feel like a complete and utter failure.
Don't get me wrong. My husband is very supportive, but he's as frustrated as I am. He's tells me when I say one negative thing about myself, I should find 10 positive things. But I can't find anything positive about me. Not when I feel like such a loser that can't do anything right. I'm very hypersensitive anymore to criticism. I feel constantly attacked and "unacceptable". Not just by him, but by my job, my family. Myself.
Basically, I'm at the end of my rope and begging for any help I can get.