My partner and i started couples therapy this year. After countless sessions and ALOT of money spent I feel like I have not gained anything from the therapist..When I found Melissa's book I cried and felt this rush of emotions realising this whole time I wasn't making things up and that my anger and frustrations are a direct cause of my partners ADHD.
We had brought up his ADHD from the first session but she put it to the side and basically said that's for him to work on individually and to seek treatment outside of couples therapy (which he didn't do because he keeps forgetting). I didn't know any better and went along with this. We very quickly got into this pattern where I walk in and talk about all the things that he's done that have hurt me in the past 2 weeks and then he says his version (which alot of the time is the opposite of what I said) and she tells us how we have our own truths and have to understand each other. We work on communication, being vulnerable, she teaches me how to talk without criticising and how to remain vulnerable and compassionate even when he's hurt me. Somehow almost always it turns into me having to work on how I communicate....me, me, me, me.
There's even been times where the whole issue has been misconstrued because no one believes my version of events and she gives some advice to me based off a mixture of both or version and then outside of therapy I try to explain to my partner and he finally gets it and is finally on my side and sees what the therapist didn't see (i mean why am I paying her then??).
I know it hasn't explicitly been said but I have been made to feel like I'm the problem and I am the critical one. (I admit I have been very critical and at times straight up rude to him but I don't start that way, it just turns into that when he gets defensive!!!). There's been sessions where afterwards he tells me how he feels validated and heard and I don't think I have truly felt that...I often find myself having to defend myself during sessions. This whole time I convinced myself the problem was mine and his communication and built up resentment. After reading the book I know now the root problem is often (i admit not always) ADHD and my poor communication is a result of built up resentment and the unfairness in the relationship.
My question: What do I say to my couples therapist?
I don't know how to explain all this to her without being seen as someone who's trying to avoid responsibility and pin it all on my partner. On top of that I mentioned this to my partner and he immediately was not happy about it. I wish he was on my side and sees how along I feel in this but currently he's sceptical. He says it'll be hard to find a couples therapist who is "perfect" (we've tried 2 before this). I think he sees me as being picky and critical of him and all our therapists.