I forgot how helpful..and scary..this site can be. If I am to stay, and not want to run away from my husband, I need to find a middle ground. I thought maybe it would help to get things into perspective..
I feel that my husband is as deserving of love as I am. He is a child of God and deserves love and respect...even when his behavior doesn't earn it.
I stopped talking about him to most everyone because I felt like it was time to let God do His work and I wanted to just sit on the side lines and see how it played out. Most of the time my Faith allows me to do this, but (as a true codependent) a lot of that relies on my husband's behavior as well.
I do believe that the devil is our enemy and not flesh (my husband). I need to focus more on claiming my victory over him, as Jesus promises in Ephesians. I need to focus on this daily.
I know God can work miracles and although it feels unsurmountable to me, it is nothing to God. He can do anything he wants. His plan will prevail, even if it isn't what I 'planned' for myself.
I have to deal with my past or it will destroy me. I worry that the fact that I can still so easily recall each and every betrayal, hurt, disappointment..and still feel my emotions stirring when I do, that i have not truly dealt with the past. I really am unsure where to start. It all culminates into this big, ugly blob of darkness that has hung over our marriage for 17 years. I've said to him that I've thrown myself into this marriage 100%, but I haven't. I am always holding something back out of fear...maybe out of resentment. Possibly because I don't feel he deserves ME, the real ME..the funny, fun loving, joking, laughter loving ME. I don't trust him with HER. I don't trust him to take care of it.
I have to stop mourning what I don't have and accepting what I do have. How does one go about accepting that lies and hurtful behaviors might be "the best there is"?
I am strong. I have come through so much in my life. I have survived every single bit of it, as evidenced in me sitting here right now. I know I would be OK without him...even if it hurt...there would at least be an end in sight. I've told him this. I'd rather hurt alone, knowing it would get better, than to hurt because I am with him. I mean it. I TRULY mean it. If he'd come to me today and say he was leaving I wouldn't try to stop him. I feel like I've fought for US, by myself, for far too long.
I want him to be happy. I TRULY want him to be happy.
I get a sick feeling when I see this brilliant man, who could be wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, wasting his life away...struggling...resisting everything that would help him better himself...never seeming happy or content...drinking himself into an early grave. He told me recently that I was the only person who had ever believed in him...and forced him to live to his potential (which he DOES NOT DO)..and he said he loved me, and hated me, for it. ???
I am so tired of my life, my children's lives, the atmosphere of our home, all depending on how well he's managing his ADHD from day to day. I can detach..but I'm terrified for our daughter. She loves him, I try and make her understand how her dad is 'different' (not in a bad way) and how we need to understand and not be upset and mad about it. I don't think it helps much. She hates the way I let him treat me...she says so. She wants nothing more than for us to be a "normal" family. She says so. She loves her daddy beyond words...she cannot understand why he seems to "choose" to hurt people he loves.
Today, I worry that he'll send ugly text messages to me at work tonight. I stress to the point of being sick at my stomach sometimes over it. I know if I ignore it, he usually puts the brakes on, but it doesn't stop the damage from being done and in my mind we go back to square one. I'm so sick of starting back at square one. I'm done starting back at square one. How many chances do I give him to get THAT right before I finally just tell him to go and never come back...because I'm sick of him threatening it? I'm 46. I shouldn't be afraid to go to work.
I will be OK. I don't care what his ADHD throws my way...or the devil throws my way. I know I will be OK. I have learned so much about codependency, ADHD, and God that I now know enough to help me through even my darkest days. I have faith that better things are coming. I am ready for God to reveal his plans for me and let the next chapter of my life begin. I love and appreciate life so much...I want (NEED) to be surrounded by others who feel the same. I need to teach this to our daughter. I need to lead by example. I am going to make it. I am going to be Ok. God is good.