I had a bad day

I should of stayed in bed today. I woke up to a reasonable morning, I even got a text from my seperated husband to go sign the tax papers. However I had no gas in my tank so on the way to the gas station I stopped at the bank.As I was expecting to receive some money I hear "your in the neg balance". I said "excuse me?" I asked her for a printout of the account and I noticed a couple of checks I didn't write. She of course showed me who did it(which I knew) he took every last penny in the account out. Left $0 . which is what I have No Money!barely making it home and seeing the sad face my daughter had ( she was in the bank w/me).last week he took almost 200 out of my food stamps so we had no more food money. He lied to me and told me this guy he had with him was going to steal groceries so he bought him some)now he took several hundred dollars out after he deposited it for me and the kids. so lets see I got $100. and he got $400. lets see I have 4 children a mortgage and bills and bills. I'll let you do the math. So me being the responsible one had to call the bank and talk to the mngr of the bank I told her the story I asked her about the returned checks and the one that returned today was for my oldests son's cap and gown to graduate highschool. I started to cry so hard and begged her to not send it back, because I couldn't order another the deadline already passed. she told me not to worry that the bank would cover it:} what a dear and a relief. Now I have to come up with the money. I called my counselor and told him the story and that I'am done.  he thought that it is a wise decision. in the next few days I'am getting the legal seperation papers and then I'll have legal documentation . I also still didn't have gas money for my car, but God always answers prayers. A friend of mine happen to of called me and as I sopped her the story she generously offered to help me:] .... I don't feel so good'  you know I can understand me but to do that to your own kids whom you love? he needs rehab but he won't go. I'am done, I'am a christian and did everything to the end  to remain faithful. next week I'am applying for disability because I have chronic muscle problems that I can't hold a job down. All this stress is hurting my body. I'am not mad , I'am sad for my children and for all of you who hurt and are trying to find answers. I hope you find a way. Thanks for listening to me sorry if this is too much it helps just to write through the tears:]...Peace

mradhd's picture

Being faithful as a Believer

Dear Optomistic,

I would like to extend my deepest sympathies & my prayers. I am a Believer in Jesus Christ & also a husband & father dealing with ADHD. I have had many ups and downs in my marriage, as well as in my faith. I am not about to give any advice regarding your marriage or your faith. However, I have been deeply involved with working on controlling my brain & actions, since my wife has chosen to leave me. I can tell you that her leaving was an incredible eye opening event in my life. I have been given the opportunity to become the husband, father & most importantly the man that I am supposed to be. This opportunity was given to me by my wife when she said that she believes in me, but wouldn't allow me to disappoint her anymore & would no longer be here to enable me. I soon realized how Great God is by showing this incredible woman what I have inside & that she should allow me to show her what gifts and abilities God has blessed me with.  I realize that what you're going through is extremely difficult. Seek advice from above, regarding ending your marriage. I will pray for you & tell you to keep the Faith. God will guide you to the right decision. Just remember to remain "Optomistic".

Optomistic

I am so sorry to hear about these issues.  It sounds as if you are making the right decision for you and your son, even though it hurts.  Please do what you need to do to protect yourself financially (if you can).  Don't stoop to the same low that he has - remain a good, honest person...and also stand up for your rights.  Lean on your friends (friends would rather have you come to them in a time of need than not) for support and love (and also a ride sometimes when you need it!)  A husband who steals food and gas money from his wife and kids that he just deposited for them and they were counting on isn't helping your life much...

optomistic

Thanks Melissa, I couldn't agree more. My father in law called him and lets say gave him a few words. so the next week he deposited his full check and told me its mine. and acted like it wasn't a big deal. Of course now I have my own account but when I asked him why about taking the money he told me he needed a mediator to talk to me about it.And then acted like it wasn't a big deal. What is it with Adhd and not facing up to things. I know its hard for my husband because he has low self esteem but why does he keep doing one damaging thing after the other? and not learn? he truly lacks wisdom and has terrible judgement. He is hiding from everyone right now. I have had to tell people (because they ask)what is going on and so many people are shocked. It is hard to watch a intelligent person slide down to where he is now. Alcohol, drugs mixed with Adhd is volatile. I just know that I need to stop the same thing going towards my children and my youngest son who has Adhd/Odd and is actually doing very well right now. all my children even though they trully love and miss their dad have said how peaceful our house is now and we are happy not to walk on egg shells anymore. I write this in hopes to maybe help or inspire someone. So many are dealing with adhd on both sides, my heart goes out to you all..God bless.

  

 

Dear mradhd, Thankyou for

Dear mradhd,

Thankyou for your  words. I understand what you are saying I'am a believer as well. You sound like a very kind man and that you are really growing as a person. God has a way of growing us through our traumas if we let Him. Faith is what keeps me going without it I would not be optomistic nor hopeful. I never felt happier being away from my husband I 'am tired of the lies and things he does and has done to our family and marriage. I have good support from my church which is so wonderful. this past weekend I talked with some family members that my husband had talked to previously. The one family member is a pastor and my husband  confessed to  him some stuff I didn''t even know about.(The family member wouldn't even tell me).  I need to stop the enabling. I don't want to go back to anything the way it was I don't see anything changing. My husband is still drinking and called me the other night drunk. I felt dead before but  now I feel alive since I'am away from the abuse. thank you for your prayers and I too shall pray for you. its all in His hands....May you be blessed.

No Help from the Church

Hi Optomistic,

In a weird sort of way, I envy you having a life again.  I, too, am a Christian and have recently had to deal with anger towards God.  I have cried out for help in my life and have tried to seek counceling from my church but no one seems to have the time.  I am so desperate and sometimes even wish my ADD husband just won't come home someday...so that my son and I can have a normal life.  But, I keep plugging away in my marriage hoping it will change.  I have daydreams about him just disappearing off the face of the earth or getting hit by a bus because I won't divorce him because of my faith.  Isn't that HORRIBLE????  I know it's horrible that I have thoughts like that -- but I am just being honest.  No one at church understands.  They say, "oh...he needs to repent for his sins. "  And then I am told, "You need to be a patient wife."  I am so tired of working 2 jobs, going to school and running a business while my husband sits on his butt all day.  I know he can't help himself.  I can't seem to figure out if I am an enabler or just doing what a wife is supposed to do.

We live with my mother-in-law but we still have to pay rent.  I am going to school so that I can support my family when I am done since my husband won't work.  I am rambling...so I am going to stop here.

God bless all of you.

no help

Wow, this is great. I did not know that some one was thinking just like me. I have been married for 33 years to a man who was recently (2 months ago) diagnosed with ADD. However, he only confirmed what I already knew. I did not know about ADD, but I knew it He was sick in the head. I keep it a secret because I don’t want the people in my church to know. It is extremely frustrating and hard not to be resentful, as I am the one paying all the bills. I need help so much. I am so grateful for this site. I have been in this situation for 33 years with only God on my side. Thank you all for your comments

Anonymous re: No Help

My friend,

Hang in there! Don't keep this a secret.  It is empowering to let it out and face it.  God bless you...33 years...it has only been 4 for me and it seems like an eternity!!!  Listen -- having "only God on your side" is more than a lot of people have.  I sometimes think that we miss what God is trying to tell us.  We might say, "God...where are you?  Why aren't you answering my prayers?"  When in actuality, He is answering them in ways we don't see. 

This site, for example, has been an answer to one of my prayers!  It is really helping me to cope with my situation (thank you, Optimistic and Melissa for helping me see this).  Now that you have a name for your husband's illness, it will help you start figuring out how to deal with it. 

I realize that the people in my church NEED to know.  There might be others who are suffering as you and your husband are.  There might be others who need to know that they are not "in sin" because they don't have energy to get out of bed or can't seem to get their act together...maybe they, too, have a mental illness that needs to be diagnosed (whether it be ADD or something else).  We are only "in sin" if we refuse to do anything about it.

I wrote to my pastor this morning to tell them in detail what is going on with my husband.  They were very understanding.  I even told them that if they need help and need to know more about mental illness in general, I could offer some ideas for seminars they can attend for Christians dealing with mental illness.

I am currently studying to be a doctor in Oriental medicine.  I JUST started the program so I don't know much, as of yet!!!  I have about 5 years to go until I am finished and have a medical license to practice.  I feel that God is putting me in this position so I can learn to help others.  This whole experience has spurred me on to try to help find a cure. 

Can I tell you that I took my husband to have an acupuncture treatment at the college I attend this week?  Do you know what when I got home he had done the laundry, FOLDED the clothes AND washed all the babies bottles????  This is UNHEARD of for him!  There is hope.  Keep praying -- God DOES hear you!

Love,

Cherokee Rose

re:no help

Dear Cherokee Rose,

Thank you for being honest about how you feel. You should do that because it helps with the frustrationof the situation.Please don't feel bad about what you feel being inside a situation such as yours can bring the worse in a person out at times! I do think that your church definetly doesn't understand what you are going through.Unfortunately many of todays church's are not up to date on situations such as ours. There are churches that are  maybe you need to switch(I know thats not easy) . If you can get to a proffesional counselor I think that it would help(it did me). This situation isn't right. You shouldn't be working so much while your husband lays around all day. 1 timothy 5:8 One who doesn't provide for his family is an infidel. Proverbs 19:15 Laziness seems to breed more laziness.  you wrote "  I can't seem to figure out if I am an enabler or just doing what a wife is supposed to do" I think that you are enabling him. a wife shouldn't be pulling all the weight. Your husband needs to  know that he can work to provide for you and your son. You say but how, may I suggest you read about boundaries that was posted by Melissa.It has been very important for me  to learn about boundaries and knowing what is acceptable. Many times while in a situation it is hard to see clearly. I just want to encourage you there is hope and God knows what and where you are. Keep the faith I'am praying for you..God bless....

re: no help

Thank you, Optimistic, for the wonderful advice.  I can't afford to go to counceling right now, unfortunately, but I can tell you that this site has been SO HELPFUL since I found it just a few days ago.  Being a medical student, I can only work part-time so money is very, VERY tight! 

About my husband working...his symptoms have gotten so bad, he can't keep a job.  I know he feels bad about himself for it, too.  I want to try to apply for social security to see if I can get him disability benefits until we can get him back on his feet (IF we can get him back on his feet...I have hope).  He is the kind of man who WANTS to work -- he just can't seem to get it together.  He hasn't worked a real job in about 4 months, now, and my part-time paycheck doesn't go far. 

I am going to and read Melissa's "Boundaries."  Thanks, so much for the encouragement.  God bless you.

Getting Hit by a Bus

I want you to know that your secret longing for your husband to just disappear is not that unusual.  As close as my husband and I are now, that wasn't always the case, and I, too, had fantasies about him getting hit by a bus.  It seemed as if it would be so much easier to just grieve all at once, get the pain over (and out of my life) and then be able to move on.

I am, of course, glad that my fantasies didn't come true.  Just consider them a measure of your pain and an indication that you must take control of your life, set boundaries for your relationship so that you start to feel better about what is happening to you, and more in control.  Being "a patient wife" misses the point, I think.  We are not put here to be walked all over by another human being who is insensitive to our needs.  From your brief description I would say that you probably are in an enabling mode and that you need to start giving back to him some responsibility for making things better there...and suffering the consequences if he can't manage to do it.  If possible, try to be firm but caring and see where it gets you.  Also, start looking at what your own personal options are if he can't get his act together.  It's better to be prepared...doesn't mean you need to act on anything, but at least thinking your options through should be empowering and will probably help you be stronger when you need to stand up to him.

bus fantasies

How about fantasies that you yourself get hit by a bus (car, train, fatal illness etc) so this would end easier? Is that normal? Exhausted Non ADD spouse

bus fantasies

I, too, have had these "fantasies."  I have gone as far as to pray to God to take my life -- many times.  Then I thought about my son...and then I realized that it was a selfish wish.  He would be very unhappy and sad without a mommy around. 

Who wants to be in pain and stay there?  I don't know ANYONE who enjoys feeling depressed, lonely, resentful and sad...and that is how the spouse of a person with ADD feels A LOT, I believe.  I personally believe that there are ways to find happiness on your own, but you have to be in the right frame of mind to do it.  For me, it's going to the beach for an hour once a week to pray and let the sunshine warm my face.  It's the little things where I find happiness.  It's letting go of some of the dreams that I once had, mourning the loss, and then making new dreams that are more realistic in my situation.  It helps to find things that you are good at and do them for YOU for your own self-esteem and feeling of accomplishment -- you HAVE to take time for you at some point or you will go insane.  This doesn't mean to run away from responsibilities, become completely selfish and tell your spouse "you're on your own, buddy!"  But we have to learn (especially women) that we can't be the caretaker 24-7...we need AT LEAST one of those hours for ourselves to regenerate and revive our spirits.

God would not have put you here on this earth if you didn't have a talent to share...you are needed here...but you have to learn to take care of yourself and love yourself, as well.  You are loved...even if you don't feel it right now...you ARE.

God bless you...hang in there, my friend.

fantasies

I would suggest that you see a doctor about these specific fantasies.  It's one thing to be letting off steam and anger by thinking about others getting hurt, but as soon as that turns to yourself then it's an issue.  I suspect that you are severely depressed, not just exhausted, and that temporary use of anti-depressant medication or other medical attention could help you move forward more positively.

Again, please go talk with your doctor about this.

Fantasies

Thank you, Melissa.  These "fantasies" were before I accepted my husband's diagnosis.  I have now come to terms with it and am in a much healthier place mentally.  I also have been getting acupuncture treatments (a much better option to the medication) and have had wonderful results!  My husband is also getting acupuncture treatments and I have seen vast improvement in his symptoms. 

I definately do not take depression lightly as I was diagnosed years ago with depression after my sister's murder.  I am now learning to cope in a more natural way and have found the answers in Oriental medicine -- works better for me than biomedicine and their techniques did for me in the past.

acupuncture

Can you elaborate on the improvements you see in your husband due to his going to acupuncture? I go to acupuncture for my own reasons and have asked my ADHD husband to give it a try. He doesn't understand it and is not convinced that it will help so won't go. Thanks!

Acupuncture and Healing

Yes.  I came home the other day after working and school and my husband had done the laundery AND folded it and put it away.  Usually, if he attempts to do the laundery it stays in the dryer for days because he forgets about it (until I find it there, run it again to take out all the wrinkles, and then I fold it all and put it away).  He also had dinner ready AND had picked up our son ON TIME!!!   He told me that he was feeling really good and that he was finding it easier to focus on daily tasks.  I don't think the acupuncture and the herbs are a cure, but they really do help with his symptoms (i.e. - anger issues, lethargy and inability to focus and finish projects he starts).  This week we are trying to forgo the herbs (tincture) they gave him to see if his body will react to only the acupuncture.  I will keep you posted! I pray your husband will consider acupuncture and possibly herbs, if offered by an Oriental medicine practitioner.  Oriental medicine has been around and improved for over 2,000 years so I think there is some credence to it!  :0>

re: Getting Hit By A Bus

Melissa,

Thank you so much for this.  This site has been so incredibly helpful -- and ALL of your advice I have read (to others and to myself) has been empowering and supportive.  God bless you.