Hi all, I'm new to this group but after reading so many of the forums I feel so much better already. I finally feel like I'm not alone!
That being said, my husband has not been formally diagnosed with ADHD however he displays ALL the symptoms. He gets super hyper-focused on something he working on (i.e. training for a marathon, exercising, etc) and everything else fades away to a blur in the background. He remembers my birthday (most times) but he's forgotten our son's numerous times (he's 7 months, we're planning for his 1st birthday and he can't remember the date). He gets distracted easily (he flips through tv channels at warp speed!), he forgets everything we've ever talked about, he can't hold down a job for longer than 6-10 months at a time, he's aggressive towards the baby, passive aggressive towards me, and depressed, and it's messing with our marriage and our family.
When we were dating, the thing I fell in love with the most was the fact that he was so wonderfully different. He has this macabre and morbid sense of humor which, at the time, I found new and fascinating. He was always interested in doing new things, and his energy was electric. Now that we have a new baby, however, his morbid sense of humor is not nearly as funny as it used to be. My patience level has dropped significantly because I'm spending all the time and effort and patience on the new baby and not on him. His lack of concern for safety with the baby has caused huge rifts in our marriage. We talked about safety with the baby countless times, things like clipping him into the car seat correctly (because often times he only clips him around his stomach), or being gentle and not shaking him around ("we're just playing!" he says, "he likes it!"), or being aware that the baby doesn't have any teeth yet so he can't chew on large pieces of fruits and veggies, however all of our conversations are for naught. The baby fell over when he wasn't holding him correctly and started crying. I ran over to see what it happened and his response was "oh he's fine, he's a warrior. Warriors need to learn how to get hurt and get back up." He's only barely 7 months!!
He gave him a piece of cucumber to chew on while he was teething, and the baby bit off a piece of it and almost choked on it. We talked about it and said no more until he has teeth and we'll have to find a better way to give him what he wants. Yesterday he gave him cucumber again and he nearly choked on a piece again. I don't know what to do because I love him and I want to spend my life with him, but I'm getting very worried for the safety of my child.
We started couples therapy, but he's already thinking of ways to get out of it. I really just don't know what to do.
he can't hold down a job for longer than 6-10 months at a time,
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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he can't hold down a job for longer than 6-10 months at a time, he's aggressive towards the baby, passive aggressive towards me, and depressed, and it's messing with our marriage and our family.
>>>>
You've got a huge problem on your hands....
Re: The cucumber issue.....what are you waiting for? For your baby to die? Either move out with the baby or get your H to your child's pediatrician and have him/her explain how dangerous this is.
What do you think will happen if your baby were to suffocate from choking? Would you stay with your H? Would you regret not protecting your baby??? YOU are the only adult in this scenario.
forgot to mention...
Submitted by michellepavlov on
While I agree with you that I have a huge problem, I forgot to mention That he's not doing any of this maliciously or with any form of mal intent.
He is genuinely upset, however I don't think he really understands the ramifications of his actions. I know he would never do anything on purpose to hurt me, the baby, or our family, however I can't guarantee at this point in time that he won't do something by accident. He has mentioned on multiple occasions that he just forgot and didn't realize what he was doing. I almost feel like I'm playing the home game of the movie A Beautiful Mind. It's almost like he goes into a state of pure unawareness and doesn't realize what he's doing. I should also mention that he lost another job a few days ago ( that makes 20 jobs in the last 5 years) and so I'm going to have to go back to work and leave the baby with him. At this point I don't have any other options. I can't just leave because there's no one else to watch the baby while I'm working. My mother works full time, as does my sister, father, and friends. I'm truly stuck between a rock and a hard place.
So, you're essentially saying that you're going to leave your...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
....baby with an 8 year old. An 8 year old may not have any malicious intent, and would feel terrible if he hurt a baby....but there's a good chance that an 8 year old would inadvertently put your baby in harm's way.
I think you need to talk to your family and come up with some solution. No one could live with themselves if your H caused serious injury or death to your baby because he has the maturity of an 8 year old. Maybe he needs to QUICKLY take a parenting class. See if anything is offered in your area.
maybe you need to find a job where you work while your mom or sister are off. Besides, your H needs to ALSO be looking for work....and getting back to work. If he can't dependably work, then why stay with him?
YOU are the healthy parent. YOU have the obligation to protect your INNOCENT child from the potential harm that the baby's CLUELESS parent could inflict. I understand that he wouldn't intend to inflict harm. Most 8 year olds wouldn't intend to injure a baby either....but we all know that there's a good chance that a baby could end up hurt in their care....because they don't have the foresight, discernment and diligent care to PROTECT the baby.
I know that my words are harsh, but there is an INNOCENT baby's life that is at stake. Your H isn't being asked to take care of a house plant. This is a human baby!
i agree completely...
Submitted by michellepavlov on
I am in the process of trying to find a local person, be it a retiree from church or a college student, who's looking for a few extra bucks that I can afford to hire for child care for a few hours. I've looked in to public and private day care and it is too expensive in my area when we currently have no income until I am hired. I've spoken with my mother to see if she can take the baby on a few days so I can only pay for a per diem careperson and I am in the process of checking my local Red Cross and colleges for parenting classes for my husband so he might be better informed. I have placed reminders around the house so my husband can see them and better remind himself of safety practices and have alerts set up in his phone as reminders as well. I'm doing everything in my power to make this as safe and easy as possible. I don't know if, by leaving and living with my mother, I would qualify to temporary assistance with child care until he has completed the coursework and I can afford to pay more for child care. Its all kind of up in the air right now.
Intent
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
michellepavlov,
I understand what you are saying:: He is genuinely upset, however I don't think he really understands the ramifications of his actions. I know he would never do anything on purpose to hurt me, the baby, or our family,
What helps me find a place in my heart and soul for kindness, rather than frustration that has built into building anger, is reminding myself to consider my spouses intent.
Next step is to remember Moms and Dads each develop relationships differently with their children. In my case, I was the cautionary parent. Such as, "I do not want you to climb that tree, it is too high and you might fall and get hurt." My spouse was the "I bet you can climb to the top of that tree. Come on, I'll watch you do it!" I used to think my spouse had no common sense, and he possibly thought I was over-protective.
For a Mom with a heart and soul that was all-in-all about raising children, I could start with the basics:
I am thinking that baby has to be the priority. A lot of times, I discovered finding a cheap babysitter also means it is not a very good babysitter.
In life, we do not get 'Do Overs.' We learn by hindsight. I have in the past few years reassessed my life priorities to feel much more comfortable for me. We all gotta look reality in the face, and deal with it as it is, not as we wish to shape it. I am thinking specifically about the feeding cucumber to the baby. Gosh, that is scary. What about parenting classes? Was you spouse ever around babies? Maybe he really has no clue. Not an excuse, for sure. But a definite reason not to leave him alone with the baby.
Sincerely,
Liz
get out now
Submitted by dvance on
I have 20 years with an ADHD person and I can tell you without hestitation it will not get better. The safety thing with your child should be enough for you. A 7 month old is not a warrior for gods sake. That is crazy talk. In your last post you said he never does any of this with malicious intent. Most ADHD people do not have a mean bone in their bodies--quite the opposite--they would sooner take a bullet than hurt those they love. AND YET...their lack of maturity and lack of impulse control totally contradicts that. My DH is the most loving guy you would ever meet and would seriously do anything for us. AND YET...gave out our credit card to a friend who was in a bad way and who then ran up several hundred dollars worth of charges that we had to pay. Bought a car without my knowledge and made no payments (lawyers were involved that time). Has crossed the line with three different women in the past four years. Lost three jobs in the past 5 years. Made decisions that make me wonder what age he really is, because no 47 year old adult would think his decisions are sound. And none of it with any evil intent. He is ashamed and embarrassed when he does something bad, but you know what? I cannot be his mommy any more. It's a terrible cycle--he screws up, I fix it, he is embarrassed, acts better for a period of time and then resents my parental role and does something immature again. It's not a recipe for a healthy marriage. Please think hard before you continue this. It will only get worse and pretty soon you will look back and see you wasted 20 years and have very little to show for it.
dana
do you think...
Submitted by michellepavlov on
That with a formal diagnosis, and subsequent counselling and possibly medication, that this could be saved?
Common Sense vs ADHD
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi michellepavlov,
Your question is a fair one and one that I might help you answer for yourself. I have ADHD....and I don't do a lot of the things that you read here on this forum that other people with ADHD do. Having said that....I do (or have done or been this way) in a lot of other things that are common ones that people with ADHD do like....clutter, disorganization, forgetfulness in minor but everyday things (not less important in a living sense....but without any real consequences outside of being difficult to live with or live around) and not communicating well or being inconstant with staying connected to others in a social sense. Sporadic would be a good word to use. But when it comes to things of importance like finances, others personal safety and staying out of harms way for myself or my wife for example. I do a pretty good job at paying attention those things and not letting those things slide even though I have ADHD. I also have never been fired from any job in my entire life and held my last job for over 26 years with the same employer. I did have one major loss (only one ever)...because I trusted someone that I shouldn't have who was basically a con-artist. In other words....by a predator and I was a mark. I can't say that part of my ADHD did not contribute to this situation from not being able to interpret this better....but I also had no experience with people like this and I was also not in a relationship with anyone at the time and my decisions did not effect anyone else but me in this one incident. A lesson learned the hard way for myself alone.
In other words.....I have had a consistent and chronic problem in the areas where I struggle in since I was young or even later in my earlier years. The ones I mentioned that still exist today. But in the things that you mentioned about your H and especially the part about trying to find a way out of going to therapy, this does give me reason to speculate that I would NOT apply those things directly to myself either now or in my past. Neither would I apply some of the other things mentioned here by other people and their supporting evidence to back it comparing who they are with to myself.
So...with a formal diagnosis, and subsequent counseling and possibly medication, that this could be saved? With all due respect to your question....what is it that you are thinking THIS is?
Diagnosis will do nothing to fix anything. It just tells you if it's ADHD or something else. If it's ADHD....then medication and therapy will help tremendously....but only in the things that apply directly to ADHD. In my case....the things that I struggle with....are directly connected to ADHD and those areas have improved dramatically with both of those things.
But.....I went and did this on my own without anyone asking me to. I went and sought help by myself and did this with an attitude to go along with it that said...."I want to find out and I want to change some things about myself" going into it right from the start. No one twisted my arm in fact....if someone had tried to stop me I would have taken exception to that in itself and it still wouldn't have stopped from getting treatment and doing everything I could to counteract any negative effects that my ADHD was causing me or anyone else that mattered.
So without taking this any further......ADHD does not effect intelligence or common sense. If someone is missing in those areas to begin with....they aren't going to get it from treatment or medication. As I said.....the areas in which these things apply were not my issue in my past and are still not my issue now if you follow what I am attempting to say here with you.
While ADHD does have a "chronic" or consistent nature in the areas that appear more like "maturity" in some areas due to the fact that those things usually get under control in a more consistent way with most other people.....it has nothing to do with being "mature" and and "reasonable" in a common sense way of thinking.
I think the best course of action for you is to find out more about what you are seeing and know what is ADHD and what is NOT. If it's not ADHD or directly related to it......diagnosis, medication and counseling will do very little for those things if that is the case. The only way to know that is to education yourself and find those answers for yourself. You're the only person who knows your H here and no one can tell you these things or make those distinctions for you base on an entirely different person. The ones they are with from an anecdotal stand point basing what they say on only their own experience.
Cutting to the chase here......there is a likelihood that having ADHD combined with some of the behaviors that you are talking about ( and the ones that have been mentioned).....that these things will not likely change if they have been an established pattern in their life going back in their life's history and have shown up there all along the way. The ADHD behaviors can and will change with the desire and effort of the person who has it. This has proven to be true and it is the most "changeable" of all mental health disorders you can name.....but it won't happen unless that person wants to badly enough. It takes a great deal of effort and desire to make that happen but it definitely can happen and I will put myself into that category and check all the above.
As far as common sense or any other coexisting conditions not directly related but many times associated with ADHD. Those things require a different solution and a different diagnosis and will have varying amounts of success if those are the real "thing" that is at the root of any problems you are having. Acquiring common sense is one of those things that I don't think their is any medication or treatment that will do anything in "getting them some" if they don't have it already. The only way to get that is through experience and then learning from your mistakes. If that is the true inability we are talking about and they haven't been doing this from the beginning....then it is unlikely that they will be any different from here on out.
I think you really need to know what your H past history is like in order to make that determination but if he hasn't even been officially diagnosed....and then get the treatment, medication and therapy after that.....you won't know that until you get there.
Most of the people you read about on this forum have spouses who refuse to take responsibility for their actions and are in denial that anything is really wrong with them and won't go to therapy and follow through. That puts them into what appears to me in the second category along with common sense.
Just my two bits here from the ADHD side of things.
J
Hi michelle...
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm sorry to hear of your predicament....it sure puts you in a tough situation...This is what I've found out about living with a spouse who has severe adhd and who's behaviors mirror those of your husbands...
We just can't live the same as some families. We need to love and respect each other the same...But, when a mind is so effected (unstable) that you can't count of any consistency when it comes to the simple living of life (keeping a job, Good stewardship of the home, children and finances etc..etc.. ) in a responsible manner; you must set-up boundaries and even rules if safety is in question....It takes awareness and kindness to have these tough conversations...It is so hard to have your spouse tell you, I love you, but, I can't trust you...
I would always be fighting for my life if I shared my finances, debt or CC's w/ her...I try to live my life where I place no expectations on her for anything, it will always bite me when I do. I know what's coming and I love and accept (acceptance is by no means agreement) her just like she is...She has never shown any sign of being able to stop being "Jeckle and Hyde" and, that's not my problem anyway. My problem is when I place expectations on her to not be.....If you don't want to be just strewn emotionally damaged remnants of the person you were created to be. You might should give some thought to his reality, and what you need to do to avoid the effects of it going forward....Try to not allow yourself to assume a victim mentality crying it's not fair. It don't help, nor will it create any positive change....God loves you!!!
Blessings
C
Yes, get OUT!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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AND YET...gave out our credit card to a friend who was in a bad way and who then ran up several hundred dollars worth of charges that we had to pay.
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that immature, lack of foresight, behavior just keeps the nightmares coming. My H (who does other crazy horrible stuff) would likely do things like "give a CC to a friend in need," but luckily for most of these sort of things, he does talk to me first and I stop him. His mother, on the other hand, would mail out credit cards to whoever she thought needed help. They're like 3 year olds who hear a "story" and then will give away the store.
I own a business, and I can't allow my H to talk to any customers or make any decisions because he would "give away the store." We'd be broke.
I've said this many times, I would never have stayed with any man who wasn't bringing in a decent income. That may sound heartless, but it's true....unless of course, he suddenly got cancer or something like that. Having ADHD is not an excuse not to work and support himself and his family.