I hate my self now.

We have come to a point (40 years of marriage) where we cannot talk to each other any more. I can barely look at him anymore. I look at him and see all the times he ignored me and hurt my feelings and manipulated me...maybe it was all unintentional but it still affects a person to be so un-valued and demeaned.  It is said we should NOT take other people's actions or even words personally.  I tried to do that on a daily basis for 40 years.  You know what happens when you stuff your real feelings and think you are strong enough to rationalize in neglectful, hurtful situations?  One day you wake up and feel that you have never been loved or appreciated.  And they (those people who feel entitled to only positive feelings) feel like they have done a great job...( to which you were the catalyst and contributor).  One day you wake up and realize you have just been an extention of their wants and needs and YOU have not lived a life of integrity or joy yourself.  You have been pretending things are GOOD ENOUGH. One day you realize that you don't even know WHAT you want or need because all you ever wanted since you had your own family was that your family be healthy, functional and loved. Then, when it is all over, you access your SELF.  You did good by them.  Pitched in and conversed the best you could with what you know how to do.  Learned how to do things better so you ALL could have a nice life.  WHY do you now NOT feel good about your SELF?  

I realize now that I have been his fool.  Just his tool. He has manipulated me all these years with empty promises and taking advantage. He knew my vulnerabilities because I was always open with him about my true thoughts and feelings.  He used me to look good to the outside world....like things were normal about him.  Nice clean, organized house, good children, nice wife.  But HE was living an independent life.  He would enjoy the comforts and stability of home when home was pleasant and things were taken care of.  But if things were difficult or rocky or there was something to work through or converse or decide....he was overwhelmed and retreated to diversions so that HE did not have to FEEL the difficult feelings that come with ordinary life.  He preferred to give his attention to things that were FUN, funny, happy and pleasure.  I have been a single mom with one big oaf that came to the family when it was time to enjoy and play.  But was missing in action when things needed to be sorted out and attended to....even money issues. He was not been able to TALK about money or spending.    Not able? Or not willing -  so he could independently spend and keep?   I don't know since he does not talk.

He told me I am not fun enough and that happiness (my happiness in particularly) should come from the inside. He said I should work on my self.  He said I worry too much....that is OUR problem...that I worry. This after 40 years of my over-functioning for the both of us.....I am not fun enough.  I know what that means.  Someone or some others in his life (with which he has no responsibilities or expectation) is more fun.   Either that or ... he is a depressed recluse who prefers drinking beer and doing crossword puzzles and listening to the radio than to being a contributing partner in a family structure.