I have ADD. My partner has Borderline Personality Disorder

I found this site via the NY Times article.  I am the person with the ADD.  I struggle with it, and have had some small help from Adderall, but now I'm taking a drug holiday.  Clutter sickens and paralyzes me.  I've hired an organizer to help me clean up the mess, but recently I had an unexpected catastrophe and lost half my income, so I can't afford much help any more.  I know that I need structure in my environment, by which I mean places to go and things to do which punctuate my time.  But I'm having a lot of trouble finding that structure.

Yes, I know that the Non-ADD person is frustrated when the ADD person gets stuck playing a computer game.  I saw a response on one of the blogs here from a wife who was pained at her husband's playing Freecell on and on.  For me, getting lost in a computer game is like putting a leash on and keeping myself from running all over.  And it's a painkiller and anti-depressant that works better than any pill I've ever taken.

I'm almost 69 now, and it seems to me that things that are open to a younger person are not as open to me.  I'm not asking people to "help" me by suggesting that I volunteer, that I go to church, that I take classes at the local community college.  I'm well aware of those things.

I'm tired and depressed.  I know from experience that being depressed for me comes from feeling disempowered.

My partner has pretty severe Borderline Personality Disorder.  He's paid lip service to having it, but he claims he's cured now (he read a book) and that maybe he never had it anyway.  I feel as if we're in an uneven situation.  I'm making an effort, as well as I can, to take responsibility for my ADD and to cope as well as I can.  My partner doesn't address his Borderline at all.

I take the blame.  It's my ADD, and I know better than to say anything about the Borderline.

I've been reading some of the blogs here, and I'm pained and distressed.  The way the ADD person is described sounds like my BPD partner.  Doing something hurtful and forgetting it, leaving the Non-BPD person hurt and carrying the pain all day.  Zoning out and not listening.  Promising to do something, claiming to "try", but doing nothing.  (About that trying, nothing is being done in the form of action, but inside the person is struggling.  I respect my partner's "trying" because I know how it is.  I'm sitting on my butt in front of the computer, but internally I'm at war with myself.  My partner spends hours in front of the TV.  He struggles, too.)

Sometimes my partner rages at me for not being "fixed".  He thinks I should just stop having ADD, just like that.  He thinks I don't care because I can't simply get well on demand.

My partner's Borderline was discovered when he was being tested for ADD.  The psychologists didn't find any ADD, but they did find the Borderline.  He has all nine characteristics.

I'm venting.  That's really all I'm doing right now.  I don't want to go to a 12-step group, I don't want to contact any agencies.  I've been that route and been there for a long time.  A friend was chiding women who ask for help but don't take the advice.  I said, "But what if the help isn't helpful?"  I have asked for help, help, and more help, but the help I've found isn't helpful at all.  So now I've stopped asking for help.

In "Games People Play", Eric Berne described the game, "Why Don't You? Yes, But".  I have to be careful to explain that I'm not fishing for advice, because friends will try to fix me if I need to talk about a problem I'm having.  I'm not asking to be fixed here.

I do have a therapist whom I see once a month.  I don't expect him to get me to make any changes.  Rather, I see him as a kind of Hospice, a kind of palliative care to help relieve the pain of a stressful situation.

I have to keep from getting depressed at reading these blogs, though.  As I said, the description of the ADD person sounds more like my BPD partner and less like me.  Please don't accuse me of being in denial.  I've lived with myself almost 69 years, and I know what does fit and what doesn't.  I had a psychiatrist insist that ADD people are always late, even though I'm conscientious about being on time, for instance.  Not all ADD people have all the ADD symptoms.

I saw that when there are two ADD people, one of them will often get better and will start doing the things that need to be done, will take on the role of the Non-ADD person.  I think that can also happen in the case of an ADD person and a person with another disorder.

Thanks for letting me vent.