i have adhd spouse: My brain knows all the facts but

My partner is 32 and has struggled immensely with adhd his whole life but has only recently been diagnosed. Due to late diagnosis he has picked up every bad behaviour/way of coping imaginable. He cannot control his anger nor unpredictable mood swings, he has a low self esteem.

I spent a while battling my emotions of resentment, anger, disappointment in him and would forever be pointing out his bad points and how unacceptable his SYMPTOMS were  to ensure he couldnt forget how others suffered with his condition aswel as him. I was too wrapped up in my own feelings that I didnt stop to think just how much of an affect this would have on his self esteem and cause further damage to our relationship. ITS HARD TO SEE HIS HURT WHEN HE APPEARS SO SELF IMPORTANT AND ARROGANT! During arguments I would wished to have stamped on his arrogance. . He thinks that I no longer love him because he has realised that I have built a brick wall around me to give me the strength to be able to cope with all the hurt and damaging affects of adhd.

Since being diagnosed he has battled to simply get through each day without too much chaos'. We have both been too self absorbed and wrapped up in our own emotions to put the other first! 


I have read lots of articles/ blogs etc to gain further insight into adhd and this knowledge allowed me to gain insight into developed behaviours. Anyway my whole point in posting this (before i went on and on and on again) was that I have actually began to realise that he may be right> He accepts his need to improve certain things where as I refused to believe that i needed to change my ways to help our relationship. I was so intent on ensuring he knew how hurtful and unreasonable his actions were that it gave me the perfect excuse to become increasingly stubborn and selfish. I had previously lived on my own and due to past experiences in life I developed a harsh independence and told myself to never accept criticism or  anything less than the best. I became stubborn and believed my way at doing everything from cleaning to  shopping, writing, organizing, decorating is the only  wasy it should be done. I would tell him he hadnt wiped the side properly, hadnt done the babies nappy properly, hadnt mopped properly etc always knocked his ways of doing things and only accepting my standards. He gradually began to do less and less as he couldnt do anything right. I even take the phone from him when he is texting because he is so slow and gets angry if he cant send it fast enough. I allowed adhd take the blame for everything including my self obsessed behaviour and would not accept that I should ever have to alter my ways.. 

I know all the facts about adhd and constantly preach to  both our famillies when they judge the situation, refusing to believe that adhd is not made up and the reason he has developed  habbits in behaviour.

I have learned how to deal with every action in life and although i know the ins and out of adhd my "in the heat of the moment brain" refuses to accept that adhd actions are not completely identical to its own.  I know and understand all the traits and reasons for adhd behaviours when thinking rationally but all that knowledge goes out of the window in the heat of the moment. My brain will just not take the insult regardless to the fact that my partner is subconsiously self medicating to gain dopamine through all the andorphins at an argument.

How can i teach my brain to deal with adhd in our relationship?

For example: I know that my partner makes certain comments to provoke an argument simply for stimulation if he has got out of the wrong side of the bed or for not succeeding in certain things.and that the things he saysduring such moments should be taken personally but I cannot allow certain things to be said without having my say and becoming defensive. I know that to prevent this disasterous habbit I should totally blank him and ignore what he says so that he will not associate arguments with me as a way of increasing dopamine levels!  This will then lead to a blazing row and dinted esteem on both sides as things are said in retalliation. It even leads to damage to our property or even him packing his bags and saying he cannot cope. This is a regular occurance in our lives at the moment. We love eachother very much but we cannot see how we can deal with eachother in a TEXTBOOK manner.