I have ADHD but what about my spouse?

OK, this is delicate. My spouse and I both had alcoholic parents. Happily, the issue was outed in my family. My spouses family never really came clean about it. Denial is rampant. I have ADHD--diagnosed after about 15 hours of testing and a QEEG. My daughter has ADHD and dyslexia. And I think my son probably has ADHD. I'm pretty "out" about most of my stuff. My wife, on the other hand, is pretty private. I am increasingly convinced she has some attentional issues--maybe not as severe as mine, but they are material. This can be a problem . . . For example, when it comes to shopping, I'm big on lists. They rein me in at the store and they help me stay focused on what we need. At one point I made a template list, organized by aisle at our favorite grocery store, to stay organized and speed things up. Hyper-organized, yes. But it worked. My wife threw it away. She says she just "knows" what to pick up. How do I become more of a team with my wife? I'm not interested in forcing her to self-label. I've realized that fights like that are not useful. But how do we work as a team? I have a lot more to say about this and will try to put some more thoughts in another post. Neat website.

grocery list

Becoming a member of a team means demonstrating mutual respect, among other things.  If you made the grocery list for you, then that's great, and it obviously worked.  If you made the list for her and she rejected it, then consider it an experiment that didn't work and move on.  I don't know the details about how your wife threw the list away, or how it was presented to her in the first place, so can't comment on whether those interactions were respectful...

People's minds work differently, and certainly an organizational system that works for you may repel her - and that's okay.  In my household, my husband uses technology to organize himself (blackberry, computer, etc).  I am completely allergic to the use of technology as an organizational tool!  I spend too much time on the computer writing to want to then also incorporate it into other parts of my life...NO computer system will entice me to use it, no matter how good.

Perhaps we could have a conversation here about why it is important to you that your wife determine whether or not she has ADD?  Is she doing things that are putting your family at risk, or are irritating you to the point that your marriage is having problems?  Are you wishing that she had more interest in ADD because you are in the process of learning about it yourself and you would like to share the journey?  Are you afraid that she might be at very high risk for alcholism?  Do you simply feel out of step, and feel that this might bring you closer?

Put some thoughts down, if you wish, and the wonderful folks who read this forum will respond with ideas, support, etc.

Melissa Orlov

Communication!!!! Explain to

Communication!!!! Explain to her that you need that list and why, Tell her it helps you focus exc. She might have taken offence thinking you made it for her. COmunication that has help me alot with my ADHD husband. The more I learn about it the better we get along. I never relized our minds worked so differently.