I have been with my husband for the past 10 years. We have been married for the past 3. Ever since we got married, the neglect and childish behavior has been too much for me to deal with. Compounded with his substance abuse problems and I have to ask myself, what am I getting out of this relationship. I have a history of my own substance abuse problems and I have the residual low self-esteem that goes with it. After my own treatment and therapy to avoid relapse, I am getting better. I have re-enrolled in school, fixed my credit problems, began doing volunteer work and become a responsible adult. My husband is a decade behind in what little recovery he has. Substance abuse issues aside, in my mind, my husband behaves like a 48 year old baby. Incapable of handling a credit card or checking account, washing his own underwear, following through on his own volunteering of housework, keep his gas tank filled before work. I do EVERYTHING that a responsible adult needs to do. I'll come home 4 hours after he volunteered to clean the bathroom, ("as soon as you leave I'll clean the bathroom"). Not only is was the bathroom not cleaned but the house is trashed and he's outside working on his beloved truck. Our responsibilities are split 95/5. This is not an exageration.
I can't help but feel like he ignores me, doesn't follow through (which feels like he just outright lies) just to spite me. I yell all the time. I wouldn't be able to stand me either. He says he loves me but.....
I had no idea that ADD was even a possibility. I recently listened to a program on the Australian Broadcasting Channel on ADD. I thought they were talking about my husband. I decided to Google, Adult ADD and affects on marriage. I decided to show my husband what I had found. I kid you not, he was too distracted and forgot I had mentioned the article I found on Adult ADD. After reading the article, he agreed that he suspected that ADD was his problem all along. In all fairness, before discovering the ADD, he had told me that he thought he was losing his mind, forgetting things all the time. Now when I bring one of the symptoms to his attention, he just says, "It's the ADD". I guess that makes it all right then? That doesn't excuse all the CRAP behavior on his part.
When is it ADD and when is it just outright neglect?
I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents who outright neglected my sister and me. Now I am married to someone who prefers to either a. play video games or b. work on his truck. From sun up to sun down, he is outside, working on his truck. He comes in when dinner is ready. The dinner that he in no way participated in His truck doesn't even need to be broken down. He spends entire paychecks on auto parts and auto paint because he's going to sell it. Years later, he's painted it 4 times and spent $1,000's and $1,000 on fixing it up to sell, only to trash the inside and never follow through. When I call him on it, he tells me that I should be happy he has such a tame hobby. To make matters worse, I do 100% of the household chores, laundry, "grown up stuff" and my husband gets to play with his truck. I am sick and tired of being the only adult in this relationship. He forgot our last anniversaries.
Every weekend when I am out by myself, I see other couples out together. I try to bring up things we can do together, only to be dismissed. "I just need to finish this one thing" or " if I do this it will really increase the value" "Maybe next week" or "Just give me an hour and I'll be ready to go". Needless to say, we never go anywhere together. He loves his truck and based upon the amount of relapsing he has done, he loves his drugs, weed and booze too. I have completely internalized his neglect.
I really just want to quit. I have a great job and worrying about my 14 year old daughter and me sounds a lot better than being an mother to a 48 year old baby.
At least he acknowledges that he needs treatment and I acknowledge that I have addressed his behavior with extreme anger. I scream and yell. I want to beat into his skull how detrimental his neglect is. He doesn't even acknowledge it. If he does, it will improve for a week and go right back. He shuts down, sometimes rightfully so, because of my anger...If you are reading this, you know exactly what I am referring to. I am still a young woman. I have a good job and I am clearly capable of living an independent life. He is a burden on me, my emotional state and my finances. I am depressed for the first time in my life, which is saying something because I am a recovering addict.
I have spent the past 2 hours reading the posts that are identical to mine and crying.
When is enough, enough? When should I just cut my losses?