Hello again all you good people.
I have asked the webmaster to promptly remove all of my posts. Why ? I used this forum to vent my frustrations. Enough said. I am starting on a new program to effectively deal with my frustrations and specifically with anger management which has shown its ugly head once too often towards my wife who has ADD. I am now in the care of a professional specifically for me and my problem. I have reacted all too often on things I now know to be due to ADD. My beautiful wife's new ADD diagnosis is wonderful news for me and her as well I hope. I am learning, everyday, to be more responsible myself. I do not have ADD as far as I know but I too am forgetfull and probably show ADD symptoms when I am tired. When I am tired I have less patience so that's another change I am going to make. Get proper rest! Proper eating habits. Exercise. Learn to enjoy life again and let go of the gloom and doom and replace it with LIVIN. I want to live my life, and enjoy it. There is no way I am going back to the old me. I am still married to a beautiful ADD person who is way smarter then I am, whose smile is something to see. When she smiles, I see God shining through and through and that makes me the luckiest person on earth. Yes she has ADD, but what about me ? I have anger to resolve. Which is worse? I would say anger! For those of you who are also angry at your spouses ADD, please, get help! Please do not belittle your spouse or nag her/him anymore. Please understand that they too are hurting and only desire a more joyfull life. They are not going to find it with a person who is angry at them, like the soon to be old me. They will find it when their partner, friend, lover, who ever you may be, show to them that you accept them the way they are. This has been a excruciatingly difficult lesson for me to learn, accept. Life's short. Spend it loving them instead of looking for misery because you will find that misery right in your own heart. It will show it's uglyness because it doesn't tolerate what it does not know. This has been my experience. I have always loved my wife but I've tried to hard to help and in doing so, I made her feel like a child. My God, she is anything but a child. She needs my help like anyone else but the last thing she needed was someone to watch over her and try to correct problem areas. As I learn more about ADD, I learn that I screwed up by reacting the way I did. I could not even remember saying the things I said that how screwed up I became in my reactions. Is this what my wife needed ? No! She needed me to listen to her and listen well. Kind of difficult for a man to listen isn't it! I couldn't listen because my heart was at it's breaking point so what did I do ? I became someone I myself do not know and anger showed it's nasty face. No more! No matter what happens to us, I am making a commitment to let go of all the things that get in the way of loving someone period. I also made a commitment to get the help I need for me. And I have special close friends praying for me to reach this goal.
Yes my wife has ADD. She is still the most beautiful person with a wonderful soul and I love her. She may never forgive me for the things she heard coming out of my mouth. I wish I could take it all back but I can't. I said it, I own it, I too have to accept my new diagnosis and I have. I spoke with a nice Christian lady who is an expert in this. She understand why anger took over me. She knows I want to do what ever it takes to never go there again. She wanted to see us both but I asked that we work on me first. I don't know if my wife will change her mind, if she'll go with me to get the help we now need to learn to live with these new problems we both face. Someone once told me that I should write a book if it all works out. I just want it to work out and leave the book writing to the professionals who if they wish, can use me as a tool to teach others that it is really up to each of us to see the best in our life partners. Respect! I showed little of that for a long time and I know it. How wrong, how sad. I wish I would have got the help I need sooner but I would not have got it from the wonderful lady who is working on me now. So in a way, it is a blessing for me to have found her at this time as I did not know she existed before. Other counsellors have nothing on her so what would I have learned from them ? She has high hopes for me and I trust her with my need to be the new person I want to be. My own dad who passed away some time ago had a serious anger problem as I was the recipient of it often. I will do everything it takes to remove him from my memory and his anger from my life, what ever it takes. My Psychologist is not finished with me yet LOL.
My wife is more important then anything in this world, even me. I will not beg her to stay. I will miss her to the piont where I will not want to see the sun come up again. I understand her frustrations with me as I hope she can one day understand what frustrated me. There is something else I need to do for myself that I will not present here. It is between me and my God who loves us all in a perfect way. It is He who came to my rescue. I feel alive again and hopeful and I will thank Him in my special way.
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world" Ghandi
Rene, It is great you are
Submitted by robinshusband on
Rene,
It is great you are accepting your role in the relationship and getting the help you need as well. I hope your wife will take her diagnosis as serious as you do. I believe only with the two of you opening your hearts and accepting that we all can do things to make it better can progress be made. I pray this will happen in my relationship as well.
Good Luck
Rene, you are a talented writer
Submitted by Sueann on
All of your posts have conveyed, better than anything I write, what your journey feels like. Your earlier posts captured the frustration of being married to someone with ADD. The above post just aches with love and the sense of lost potential that all of us married to someone with ADD feel so strongly. Best of luck to you and your wife. I hope you two will find a way to be together for many years.
I'm glad you're finding your way
Submitted by metooo on
I'm pretty new here and I could write way too much, but I'll keep it as short as I can. So much of what you've written sounds like my situation, like a lot of other posts on this forum. But...last week I went to the local mental health to find out what kind of help I can get. I haven't found anyone around here that specializes in ADHD, so I have to find another source of help. I can get started there and participate in women's groups and hopefully find some help with anger management. I've tried all sorts of things to end the fights, but nothing works. I've resorted to shutting down and keeping my mouth shut which just results in making me sick. Everyone I've talked to about my situation has told me to leave. I was in counseling for about two years, and even my counselor early on told me leaving is my best option. But I'm still here. My counselor retired in January. It's really hard, isn't it! Well, anyway, thank for all of your posts, even if you basically vented your anger and frustration. It has helped me to see that I'm not the only one in this type of situation and I'm not crazy. I almost lost my life because of this and seeing someone work hard to bring himself back to health and sanity is so encouraging...inspires me to keep digging myself out of the pit. I really hope you can find a way for both of you to be happy together.
You are not crazy
Submitted by renoir911 on
Don't ever lower yourself thinking you are crazy. It is a crazy situation but you are not crazy. You need to find someone you can trust that will help you get back to proper health and start living your life before it gets sucked out of you swiftly and efficiently. There are excellent counsellors. I found one. I read your post twice, and those of others and believe me, you are not crazy. You are a victim, an emotionally abused person. I see myself in your words so take heart, and don't loose your mental health over it. No one is worth that. You need to vent and if this is the place for you to do this, do it. Why? Because affected people here know your emotional pain well. You have friends here you do not have at home. You need to vent somewhere so you don't loose your emotinal and physical health. Today I attended yet another session on anger management with my lady counsellor. She is wonderful but she told me things that I did not know. Anger is a gift from God! Read it again! Anger is a gift from God. Even animals have it. It keeps you safe when circumstances are unsafe for you. It is how you use your anger and how you control it that matters. Again today, I have reason to be angry but I will control it. Our baby birds are really hungry and had not had food since I last fed them early this am. My wife is gone and I came home and they were trying to get out of their box they were so hungry. That literally makes me sick. I was out most of the day and there is not a note to let me know if they'd been fed, nothing. They are living creatures who need regular feeding. They've gone without food for about 8 hours when they need food every 4 hours. How do I feel about that you ask ? It angers me. That's animal cruelty. I also found something out today that may go a long way but I won't say anymore at this time. I just hope my wife gets the help she needs fast with or without me, but get it because I am not the only one suffering, our baby birds were starving. That sickens me to no end. But I will manage my frustration and anger because to say something would likely be fruitless. What do you say to someone who leaves and leaves knowing these creatures depend on her for food ? She wanted them, she pulled them out of their cages and she did a wonderful job looking after them and feeding them. Why now stop caring ? That's ADD in its severe form. I am not angry, just concerned that when these little birds take second place to what ever she may be doing right now. I wish she would have at least left me a note or called me to say she would not be around to feed them and I would have made sure to be back earlier to feed them. You cry in silence for things you cannot change, but you must remain strong and calm. It is not their fault, it is the ADD manifesting itself. It pains me that someone would leave little baby birds alone and let them go hungry and not even give it a second thought. These are the priorities of people with ADD. Don't let it bother you or you'll get angry!!!!And for sure, do not think of saying anything because in situations such as this, you will find it truly difficult to be rational and emotions will drive you to say something you'll regret yet again. You are not crazy and neither am I but I am defeated, looking for reason to be.
Remember Gandhi's words: "What kind of victory is it when someone is left defeated"
This is where ADD will take you i anger management...
Submitted by renoir911 on
This is in response to my own last post about baby bird feeding. My wife promptly removed these birds from my sight and placed them in her bedroom where they will now be kept. Why ? Because I made mention of it here. Let me tell you about baby lovebirds as I called Petland and spoke with a manager. They require feeding every 4 hours but can go for a little longer once in a while. Today they would have gone 8 hours had I not come home to feed them. Response by my ADD wife was swift and offending to me: removal of the birds where I will no longer have access to them so they can go hungry and I won't see it. Realizing that the ADD is the cause of this does not do any good when it comes to keeping your cool. Removing these birds from me is like running from the issue of having forgotten about them. It is also design to punish your mate for having said anything.
This is where I stand! ADD is one thing. Animal cruelty is another and ADD is not an excuse for that as living creature depend on that person to look after them in a responsible manner. Having called Petland and having been told by an ADD staff member that it is absolutely not good for the birds to wait this long without food, what do I do about their safety ? I have learned how not to respond angrily to this person but a response is in fact required because it is not human to allow living creatures who depend on you to go hungry. It's not human. So what do you do to protect these birds ? I am open to anyone's ideas. How would any one of you with a sound mind respond or deal with this scenario ? I do not do well with anyone who mistreats animals, who ever they may be. My options are the following: remove these birds and protect them. They would have had no food during the night had I not got up to feed them. They would have had no food during the day (8+ hours) had I not come home and found them really hungry. Please, someone tell me, what do you do with a person like that! You get angry and you get the shaft and you are called names, a control freak, what ever. You say nothing and it goes on. You are told to separate and you loose your life saving and can't make ends meet. What exactly do you do with someone who mistreats you this way ? This is anger management at its best because I am no longer reacting angrily with her. I am putting it down here to get it off my chest, or it will build inside. I have been told who to talk to about this because it is animal cruelty and all excuses simply don't cut it anymore. Forgetfullness and more of the same is not a good thing for creatures that depend on you for regular feeding. Because I made mention of it here, she has removed these birds and told me they were her birds now. That's ok, but it does not change the fact that they will go hungry again. My whole being is in turmoil and has been for some time yet I am being treated like someone evil. All I wanted was a fullfilling, happy life with someone sensible, loving and respectful. I am already dead inside because there is nothing I can do to change any of this. And I just received the most insulting comments her telling me under no uncertain terms what I can do! WOW! Someone please help this woman before she destroys everything around her.
Another thing. There is an investigation going on right now about missing cheques addressed to me. Reimbursement to me from medical services she got using my health spending account. That money came out of my pay cheques. She used it and left me with nothing. Blue Cross reimbursed me and she cashed them without telling me. Cheques addressed to me, in my name and this is how far such a person will go. Now! Anyone out there! How does a sane person maintain sanity when this and so much more is going on ? Is this more then just ADD ? God help ME get through this...please.
This is pure hatred and evil and I will not let them destroy me. I don't even think this is ADD...or is it ? She's now taped two pieces of paper telling me that the master bedroom is off limits to me now. Because I mentioned I feared for the bird's health. Petland tells me to feed them at appropriate times because they need their food. She takes the baby birds away and tells me off then tells me not to enter her room for the birds or else! Or else what! ADD ? Anyone out there living through this abusive relationship, please write to me. Any legal experts, please email me by going through this website's director. I allow them to release my email adress and even my telephone number. Enough yelling at me for doing the right things.
More than ADD
Submitted by robinshusband on
Rene,
I've resisted posting much on here out of respect for my wife I can only assume by her comments to me she may use this forum as a resource I don't want to take that away from her.
I am and have been doing a "TON" of research, self observation and counseling on what I believe is ADHD in my life, I am reading the book "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy." All in a 3 week period, for me the ADHD is something I want to understand and control, not just for my relationships but also to help me heal. If your wife is not doing something similar I don't know if there is anything you can do.
Here is what I do know, it is VERY COMMON for other mental issues to be associated and present with ADD/ADHD. I can also tell you from my recent readings that every case of ADD/ADHD is not the same. For some self awareness and a commitment to get better can be a big help, add medication and it can be very good for some. For others it may not.
In my humble opinion there must be other issues going on in your relationship/wife, I don't think it is fair or right to just assume ADD/ADHD is the only thing going on. I don't know how to tell you to get help or how to do or say something that will help your wife understand what is going on.
I suspect though airing everything that is going on where she can obviously read it can't help either of you!
I don't see where there is anything you can do. I know you are the "non-ADD" (maybe - maybe not) but the only chance this is going to get better is if SHE wants.
Only you can be the judge on when the behavior escalates to where she is a danger to her or someone else.
Can you not somehow get a 3rd party into the home for a bit to help out? Maybe someone she has trust in to help be a mediator in the situation? I don't see how the battle between the two of you can help either of the issues you are dealing with.
I wish I could help, heck right now I'm just trying to get myself help. If it helps someone else great...
She's bent on destroying me now
Submitted by renoir911 on
I never knew who I was dealing with until lately and today for sure. Now I know and now I have made a decision to not allow her to destroy me any more then she's already doing. She is bent on destroying me because she is not capable of seeing how her mental conditions have affected me personally. There is nothing left for me to say other then I am done! Literally. Good night all you good people who are suffering the wrath of a person in denial and now bent on retaliation. I am strong, but not that strong. It is truly impossible to rationalize anything with someone who suffers from severe mental illness. As you mentioned above, perhaps there is also something else going on besides ADD. It is nastyness on a scale I have not seen before. And I am lost trying to figure it out. It has turned my life upside down and this marriage into an abomination. I do not like feeling cornered at all and this is what is happening as I see my future destroyed by a ruthless, cold blooded abomination. This cannot just be ADD. I've been had just at the eve of my retirement. Can it get blood out of a stone when there is no blood left to give ? Forgive me, I'm trying to survive this.
Not uncommon for an ADD person
Submitted by Sueann on
These blogs are full of stories of ADDers (husbands mostly) who have destroyed their wife's credit, opened up credit cards in her name and not told her, drained her bank account, not paid taxes, etc. This sounds of a piece wtih those stories. She's obviously got a "what's yours in mine and what's mine is mine" mentality.
I feel bad for you. I hate to see you so angry after you wrote such nice things about your wife just a day ago. Have your talked to your counselor about this latest setback? It sounds like you could use it.
Contact the animal cruelty agency in your area
Submitted by Sueann on
The SPCA or whatever. They should remove the birds to a safe home. You can bring up your wife's (physical) disability and say she can't take care of them, and you need them to be taken somewhere safe. Obviously, you can't be sole caretaker as you work long shifts.
I think feuding couples fight over pets all the time. They should be used to it.
Honestly, I don't know what's in Canada, but there should be some agency concerned with animal welfare.
This is too bad. Your last post let me think there was hope for both of you.
I know what to do...
Submitted by renoir911 on
Thanks for your reply Sueann. I made some calls and in the am I will make another call which may be decisive about the pets in our home. Our home! What a joke. I won't allow anyone with a mental illness or not to abuse any animal. She loves these baby birds, but her condition causes her to walk away and forget. Sorry, there is a limit to everything and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I've reached my limit as it has become insane! All I can say here again and LOUD AND CLEAR! If anyone reading this is even thinking of entering into a partnership with a person with a untreated severe even pathological mental illness, RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. Don't let their fake smile and tender words affect you. It is a facade and you will live a life of misery ever after. My God, she even cashed the cheques Alberta Blue Cross sent to me to repay me for medical expenses I pay for after she used it all up. Then she has the audacity of yelling at me (that's what she does when she is caught, she yells) that it was her money because it was payment for her medical expenses. I'm sorry if this makes no sense, I am used to that. Fact is, cheques were in my name and now there is a formal investigation. I was not going to do anything about that BUT now that she's promised to make the rest of my life a living hell, I know what I will do when BLue Cross calls me to pick up these photocopies. I'd really like to see who signed the back of these cheques and what bank cashed them in. What would make her think that money I put into this health spending account (direct deposit from my paychecks into a Health Spending Account) is hers to take, cash in another bank (so I don't find out) and use for other things. My God, I am the only bread winner here and I am trying really hard to be fiscally responsible and now I find out she stole these cheques ? This is known as FRAUD. There are consequences for having done that and since it is out of my hands (because ABC is now trying to figure out what happened to these cheques made out in my name and sent in enveloppes addressed to me only. They have an obligation to find out and to decide on what to do next. Is it ADD or is it something else that causes a person to do this to their spouse ? Do they not realize how this will affect them for the rest of their lives (credit ratings, banks not trusting them, police report). Is this how far such a person will go to have their way ? Oh my God...Help me deal with this asap.