I have to "be nice" but he doesn't?

We have been talking about stuff and it seems to me that he wants me to stop being hurt and angry and be all nice to him, watch my tone, tippytoe around him etc. but he has not tried changing anything for me. He's still ignoring me when I talk to him, still emotionally shutting me out, still accusing me and flipping out at the slightest thing. I don't know why the burden of change is squarely on my shoulders as if my changing will suddenly make him change. He refuses to read any ADHD books because he says he wants to "go to the experts" which I guess are high priced psychologists/psychiatrists. He doesn't trust anyone and finds zero value in reading other people's experiences. He just sees us all as "whining" about our lives without doing anything about the problems, or complaining about the ADHD person. He does not see how he can learn anything or discover coping strategies or heck, even maybe get some insight into why I'm acting the way I am. Why I feel so hurt and ignored and stomped on. He does not seem to care at all. He says he does but there is no effort made to actually do anything. he says he's waiting to see a doctor and get medication and I "can't expect" anything from him until he gets on meds. So it feels like he's now using ADHD as an excuse to continue this way and attack me when I react to things he's doing. He does not see himself as the CATALYST for most of the problems. I am reacting to HIM, and he sees it as me being the problem! He sees it as he is reacting to me being there, making him actually do things when he wants to sit and read and play games. My entire existence has become a scapegoat for his inability. How many times has he said he can't do something because of me? I can't count anymore. He didn't get this done because of me, he couldn't do that because of me, his life was fine before I came along and so on. He was never late on a bill til I showed up (because his dad paid them all for him?) and so on.

I'm this whipping girl and I'm tired of trying to PLACATE him all the time. I was even very civil to him this morning and again he lashed out at me. He is so sensitive it's like you can't look at him without him saying you're "going after him." He also doesn't even recognize that he's tweaking out over little things. He doesn't see his facial expressions and body language or hear his own voice. He's always agitated, angry, frustrated, ready to lash out. But it's MY fault or anyone around him.

Is it not supposed to be expected to control himself and his emotions at all with this disease? What's the ADHD and what is just him being a jerk?

Why am I the only one who "controls" him and who has to change to see him change? Why am I to blame for everything?