I have become a schmuck to have endured

SOME people just don't WANT to be good. It seems that dh has taken on the lifelong attitude of "I can't, so screw it all. I'll make myself FUN and camouflage my secrets." FLIMFLAM.   I had the naive notion that all people wanted and strived to be successful, happy, partnered and respected in a shared relationship and in a community.  This is not true .... as I am thinking of and looking at dh  and how he has made choices and conducts himself.  He NEEDS a certain amount of mess and chaos around him.  As though that is something he can HAVE of his own.  He NEEDS to inflict a certain amount of pain and confusion in the people around him as though that is a "power over" his environment. He separates people into 2 categories - smart fun manipulators or working schmucks.  I have been of the heart and mind believing that a partnered working couple can team up to build a life together of faith and trust and loving and accomplishments.  I see that my work and goals have been sabotaged by dh's perspective of HIS life.  His accomplishment is to have had dominion over ME without working too hard, to keep HIS independence, to fly under the radar of any law or expectation from him and to feel smart about his abilities to playfully con unsuspecting people while assuming that he is entitled to being taken care of by other people's empathy and/or their lack of chutzpah.  His ability to have no standards or expectations outweighs my need to thrive and grow. Why am I still here on this site concerned and writing about HIM?  Because it is taking me some time to thoroughly accept these realizations.  When I write about them and read later what I have written, it is like reading this about someone else and I am able to see it more clearly.  I have been rationalizing, denying, distracting myself and coping for so long that I have not looked around and realized what a schmuck I have become. I won't change my own self until the pain or embarassment of who I have become is greater than the fear of change. I also write so that others might be able to relate and be more understanding of what might be going on in their relationships. So that my long journey may teach others who are beginning a similar path may have their eyes opened sooner than I did.

I looked it up.  Schmuck is not the Yiddish word I was thinking of.   A shlemiel is what I am. 

hard for me

I relate... I feel like I am constantly going back and forth between feeling it just isn't right to be treated this way... and oh, get over yourself and stop being so needy, be more independent.  Sometimes I think he really just isn't very interested in me.  I struggle with what is the difference between denial and and looking at the positive.  I sometimes feel "crazy"  like I can't tell what the reality is.  Like I can't trust my feelings.  Schmuck about sums it up today.

Crazy

I am feeling exceptionally crazy too. It is all the pent up emotions and rationalizations and compromises that I am realizing that I made for so long. It is feeling un-safe and having a partnership that is out of control, deceptive and embarrassing. I have worked too hard for too long and what is left is not pride but shame. What HE does reflects on ME. Who HE is reflects on me. I feel like people don't like me anymore. I have just worked to keep everything together financially.  Friends and family have taken second place as I was too busy bailing the water out of our sinking boat in our home....dh thoughtlessly playing in the water, teasing and joking...enjoying my frustration with impish glee. How did I let this happen?