My husband and I have been married for 13 years and together for 18. We knew each other for a few years prior to dating. We have a long history together and started out as just friends when we were just kids. He is a very laid back easy going teddy bear who loves a good time and is very social. He is very smart and can fix or build anything and everything. He has two brothers and all three of them have ADHD but one won't admit it, he does not believe in mental health, lol! So there is a strong family history of ADHD so needless to say our two boys, 9 & 7, have ADHD one combined form and one inattentive type and just like dad. I am the EXACT opposite of ADHD and I am very attentive, observant, everything has its place, I don't lose things, I am very organized etc... so living with a husband and two children with ADHD is a nightmare especially two boys with two different forms. The word "responsibility" to my husband is the scariest word he could ever hear. So you can only imagine what is has been like having children for him. Oh yeah, we also have a lot of animals, two dogs, a cat, chicken, ducks, and a cow. I work as a veterinary technician. Taking care of things was always in my nature I was always responsible, I got my first horse when I was 10. So as you can imaging I am responsible for every living creature in our household. So, my husband ........super smart but executive functioning does not exist for him! He forgets to pick up our children from school (even though it is a regular thing for him), constantly forgets to pay bills and we are getting threats about having our electric shut off, our home owners insurance discontinued etc..., I tell him I will take over the bills and he freaks out! He gets in a bunch of little (thank god) car accidents, he is super moody, he sleeps until 11am , has no ambition or motivation, sets a terrible example for the boys, does not help around the house leaves his cloths everywhere etc.../ He is on ADHD meds, antidepressants and sees a therapist. We have tried marriage counseling but he said it traumatized him! He acts like a little boy and I feel like he is my third son, my teenage son. I am in charge of my schedule, and both my kids schedule, do all the cooking, cleaning, homework, appointments, take care of the animals and I can not rely on him for anything he forgets everything I tell him. Even if he tries to put it in his schedule he forgets. His goal is to sit on the couch and watch t.v. or play video games with the boys. He has not grown or matured over the years at all he is still the 25 year old that I marries 13 years ago. The only reason he is able to hold down his job is because he works second shift and works by himself so he can be late to work, which he is by 30 minutes or more everyday! I have been talking to my therapist about divorce for a year now but it is such a big deal. I have two boys involved and we have such a long history together. However, he does not recognize how bad he is he does not think it is a big deal nor does he realize how much responsibility falls on me and I have just about had it with his immature bullshit! The love is gone, it is time to grow up and be a man.
I have been contemplating divorce for years!
Submitted by farmer125 on 05/11/2016.
farmer125
Submitted by jennalemone on
What you write is so familiar to me. I've been married for over 40 years. I found every reason/excuse I could for staying in my marriage not wanting to rock the boat. I regret staying. It now defines who I think I am to myself. I have been someone who has "smoothed over" lots of embarrassing, frustrating, decisions and actions and words. I lost my own plans and needs and wants. I lost my self in the agreement to give my self to helping H. I didn't think I could afford to live without his paycheck. He has lived like a single guy who comes home to his original family with a Mom who frowns a lot. At the time, I thought I was being strong and selfless....It was thought at the time that being self-less was a noble and churchy thing to be and do. It has not been good for H either. He lives in a fantasy land of his own history-making story-telling. He said to me last year, "What did you EVER do for me?" He really doesn't know. Financially and homemaking-wise, I kept it together. After 20 years of working, H decided he COULDN'T work FOR anyone else. He started a business and never made a enough to support a family again after that....just a business that he could be "on the road" and not home where I might have witnessed his napping and goofing off. But who we are and how we feel, I did not have control over that. Now we don't like ourselves and we don't like each other and that is not good for the children to see and experience. I don't know how to change this now and GIVE them the feeling like home is a loving, caring refuge. They know I love them but they see that mom and dad are not getting along....there is tension rather than love and commitment. Both my sons are divorced. They are good, hard working men but they did not see a model of mom and dad's faith and love for each other in our daily living. They saw mom "giving in" and dad "doing his own thing." I don't know how to tell you what to do because I know how hard it is financially and strength-wise to make the changes. I tried everything I knew how. Every tactic over the years. Being strong and a leader, being loving and giving, being feminine and supportive....For me, nothing worked....although I didn't know about ADD for most of our marriage. H does not know or accept anything is wrong. But I am embarrassed that I willingly was part of this union doing things I didn't want to do so many times and calling it devotion. H and I were 15 year old sweethearts. We broke up and got together a number of times in our youth...now I know what that was about - early relationship focus and then forgetting after it got old over and over. Yes, H did not grow up after we married. I did not really grow up either. I stayed a wistful, pollyanna when I should have faced truths and confronted my plight with a good counselor.
One thing that helped me while I was working long hours with a long commute. That was a time when we could afford a house-cleaning service. It made a BIG difference - worth every penny.
I am not proud of "staying together"...I am ashamed of it.
My path has been well earned. I did regret. I no longer do!
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
jennalemone and farmer125,
I spent a lot of years doing what I believed what was the correct thing to do. My focus was 3 fold - be the wife of a happy husband and stay married and figure out why I kept screwing up.
Now that I have grown and matured and learned new things, I still embrace 2 of those and desire to be the wife of a happy husband and stay married. I have found the internal security that I am not always screwing everything up. I make mistakes. I am not perfect. I am happy with who I am. I struggle with feeling judgment - - -but at the end of the day, when it just me and God, I am AOK. Interpersonal relationships are difficult. Now I want to be happy as much as I want my spouse to be happy. It has made things a whole lot of rockyness. . . . . . . .
In this world, I am content that I have lived within the marriage vows I made to God, my spouse and my family. My understanding of those vows has expanded with the years spent living within them - and I am more assertive in being heard and respected and honored and valued for all the hard work I have done for the past 30 some years in becoming who God desires Liz to be.
What Liz now brings to my marriage is very different that what I brought when I got married. I am fine tuned, and polished, and not easily malleable by angry words, accusations, or judgments.
I worked hard, damn hard, to get to where I am. I am celebrating my successes. The tables had completely turned - I used to feel my spouse was perfect and I was a nut case. Now I see that we both are human, and I have broken out of the mold I lived in for a long, long time. Like a seed busting out of that hard shell that contained me. . . . . . .my roots are deep, my foliage is green and lush, and I have many lovely buds ready to bloom. Some buds hat I thought were valuable had to be painfully lopped off as they sapped up too much of my energy. But now, I am ready to bloom when God brings forth those blossoms.
I did grow up and began married life with "never let the word divorce fall off my lips." I will admit for the past few years I felt like a bil ol' fool for being in the uncomfortable relationship I have. Now I know it can be better. It is just, Liz cannot get it there on her own.
I had been treading water for a long, long time. Even the best swimmer can only keep that up for so long before they start to sink. I got tired and started to drown. Now I hopped out of the deep water. I like it here!!!
Very truly,
Liz