I have never felt this down

I came to the forum today to try and search for answers. Support.

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about 2.5 years ago. It explained at lot. I thought at the time that we finally had an answer and we could start working on solutions. 

Wrong.

I have always supported him, pre diagnosis and since: I followed him long distance for his work, he lost a few jobs since, he had addition issues etc... I have done everything that was needed: I read everything he asked me to read to get informed. He needed" to go to a costly ADHD clinic/coaching we found the money. He wanted me to change the way certain things were done in order to help him and I adjusted. He wanted us to get a cleaning lady, we did. He wanted to start exercising to help him burn some energy, think more clearly so he a martial arts school that would allow him to do that AND help him with focus/meditation. $$ but OK. He went for a while and now it's a battle for him to go. I also asked him to talk to his therapist to get a referral for marriage counseling.

Then he stopped going to therapy. He didn't really need it. He started to contribute less and less. Not his fault, he has ADHD. I need to be more understanding. He has always been a little argumentative. We both are. But now he started arguing about EVERYTHING I say yet has no opinion when I ask for one. I am careful with the words I use, try to be very clear but he usually believes I mean something else that I am not saying. He feels attacked for no reason. We discuss and agree on something, he will bring it back up over, and over, and over again. He forgets. But not his fault. Since he had not, I looked for marriage counseling. He didn't want to go unless it was ADHD specific. It wasn't.

I was moved to a new job 2 years ago (had no choice) that is significantly more stressful and time consuming. I have had to take on more at home as well otherwise we would be living in too much chaos. I have told him I need help. Told him I am exhausted. He keeps telling me what I need to do to for him first. He needs more positive reinforcement. He needs me to be more affectionate. He needs me to stop asking him to do things. I need to be more understanding. Told him that I'm empty. I can't give anymore. Told him I can't continue like this. Please go back to therapy! Find us a marriage / ADHD counselor. We need to work this out.

So he went back to therapy yesterday. Came back home saying that he found the reason why he was not doing anything to contribute in our family. It is because he thinks that our relationship is doomed since I said that I couldn't go on like this. So what's the point?

I have done EVERYTHING I can to support him and to make our marriage work. I want our family together. I love him. He is my best friend. I have been telling for months, years how I feel but now that I have nothing more to give we are doomed?

It hurts.

((HUGS)) I had to chuckle at

((HUGS))

I had to chuckle at his 'reason' for not doing anything around the house. I often wonder how they convince themselves that those kinds of things make any sense. You gave up recently, and that's why he hasn't done anything ever? Sigh.

I would try to impress upon him that his reality and yours are not meeting in a happy, healthy place. I would try and impress upon him that not helping around the house is a choice he makes and solely 100% his choice. To say he doesn't do it because of your actions or your words is placing blame somewhere that it does not fit. Square peg in round hole. When he is putting words into your mouth...walk away from him. Explain that he is not understanding your tone, intent, words, etc and that you feel it would be best to just discuss the issue in counseling. Find what it is he's wanting (ADHD specific) and go with him. Addressing the issue from the 'realities' point of view has given me the most peace of mind I have ever had about our communication gap (BRIDGE). "I understand and respect that you feel that way...but please show me the same respect and understanding when I tell you that is not what I feel/meant/etc". ADHD can cause misread expressions, tones, looks, words, meanings, and even just a certain way I breathe sometimes seems to convince him I am upset when I am not. Realities can truly be as different as night and day. You both have to recognize it as a part of the ADHD and find a way to bridge the gap, even if just enough to resolve the issues. Agreeing to disagree was something we NEVER did..until recently. TINY baby steps...but I'll take it.