My husband and I had an agreement - a last ditch hail mary to try and save our relationship. You can read all that junk if you want to have the background: http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/trying-something-different-one-last-...
Basically, since we made the deal about him moving out - so many things happened. Friends of ours had a tragic fire and lost everything including their oldest son. This is a family with a blind mother, and this son was her help and right hand man while the husband worked. There are also 2 other special needs children who survived, but they literally had NOTHING left. So the money we set aside for him to move out went to them (gladly so - I love them and dont begrudge it at all). My husband even seemed to be working hard on things. He started taking his meds which helped some with daily chores and how he treated me in general (much nicer and at least said things like "hi" etc when he got home). He was doing good with his coaching for the first month, accomplishing goals etc. The last feww weeks it seems that he is going back to the old habbits....just like the usual slide back to how things were before. Only right now - he is still living in the house with me, and there isnt money for him to move out. He has stopped actively working on the 3rd support of this which is counseling. There are issues from the past that prevent him from being anything more than a roomate.
Ok - so thats the current status.
I know most of you are probably in similar situations as I am in. With someone who you love dearly - and who you THOUGHT loved you too- but they seem to be on autopilot, only giving the minimal affection and attention to keep things floating, with the occasional week or two of altered behavior to correct things after a long talk etc.
When I was married to my late husband, we got pregnant but I lost the baby. This was really traumatic for me and its always been a very emotional thing for me even to talk about. I shared the experience with my husband several times as part of us getting to know one another etc. This past weekend we went to see Maleficent and I happily brought up the subject of the names I had picked for my baby if she would have been a girl (one of them being Aurora from sleeping beauty). He looked at me with a blank face. He had no idea what I was talking about. I had to prompt him SEVERAL times for him to finally remember. It felt like a slap in the face - I mean, we have known eachother for 20 years and have been together romantically for 5. You would think that your partner would remember such a key moment in your life right? Am I wrong? He cant name my favorite color, he cant remember where I am from, he literally would fail a test about me that even a casual friend could easily pass. So, that hurt me immensely. And while I usually try to blow that off as a symptom of ADHD - this was just too much. This was the only child I ever had shot at having and I was so happy and excited about it. And he didnt even remember.
To try and mitigate the damage and step back and talk about it in a way to express how it bothered me and to try and work on this from the perspective of the ADHD versus taking it personal - I brought it up last night. I said I would like to talk to him, and I waited until the show we were watching was over. I said that something happened when we went to the movies, and then I explained that it hurt me that he didnt remember that I had that experience. He didnt even remember THAT! I could tell! Then suddenly he said he remembered and then said that he just wasnt able to remember the names etc. And then... I asked him to tell me what he thought the conversation was and it was not even REMOTELY the same thing. He said I was talking about boy names, and how I wasnt sure if it was a boy or girl etc. COMPLETELY wrong. So - here I was on the couch trying to make this not personal, and then he could not even remember THAT conversation. I was just floored. And something inside me snapped. I realized it would never be better. It was always going to be this way. That I would always feel sidelined to the things he felt were important - like his games etc. I mean, he can remember every detail of things he needs to do for his sport stuff and for his video game stuff, and he never forgets what he says and does with his friends. And he is like clockwork with his mom and daughter.
I read posts here from people who got out and their only regret was not doing it sooner. I occasionally read about the successful ones, but they are so few and far between. I just cant imagine it. And while if I wanted to have a shallow relationship with someone who would never really KNOW me (because nothing about me is a big deal to them other than when they want some new toy) I could stay and live like this.
The last time he kissed me was 12/9/2012 and it was because he was drunk. It was the last time he ever kissed me with any passion. Since the, the only physical contact I have had with him would be something he could do with his mom and daughter or his best friend.
Anyone have any thoughts on this? Please read the link above to get some history so that you nkow the lengths I have already gone through. This has been a long fight and I think I might be ready to just walk away.
Just my view of things....
Submitted by c ur self on
I read your posts...The rules from 2004...all your ultimatums...all your expectations...No passion since 2012...He must absolutely feel like you are more of a Mother than a wife....Or, he's been hiding his affair well...Doesn't sound like normal male behavior to me....Men are suppose to be the head of the house. And most of us or least I do, wants deep wet kisses and sex often. I truly hope y'all can work it out...
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
I LOVE your written agreement. Sounds like what goes on here verbally, everytime things get really bad. Then, they fall by the wayside, once the storm (me) has calmed.
In response to c ur self, TOO BAD, if he feels that way. He created the mess. We women don't get into these marriages looking to boss someone around. We wind up frustrated and lost and HAVE to take control to keep things going. If men acted like men, instead of children (as in these unfortunate cases), they would get the wife treatment instead of the Mother treatment Deep, wet kisses, sex and all.
NJTwinmon, exactly! My
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
NJTwinmon, exactly! My husband would be treated like the king and he WAS treated like the king. He'll, he even got to be a stay at home dad, except he could never get around to moving his daughter in. He just stayed home and played video games and watched tv. He is working now because I said that him being home for 3 years and getting nothing done wasn't working for me.
i came into this marriage thinking that I was with a peer, my equal. A true partner to spend my life with. What I got was a liar who rather watch porn than be with me, someone who cares so little about me and my life that he couldn't even remember significant events in my life in conversation. He actually told me once that he felt that he should be able to do anything he wants and that it should not affect me emotionally. I just laughed and laughed and said he was in the wrong relationship.
I love him and it fills me with sadness to think about walking away. But then I have to really think about what I am loosing, and it always comes down to " not much".
hi C Ur Self, not sure what
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
hi C Ur Self, not sure what you are talking about as far as "rules from 2004"? Believe me I would rather not be the mother to my husband, that's the problem. As far as deep wet kisses....we'll he has shown absolutely zero interest in me romantically regardless of my efforts there. I have a very strong sex drive, he has none as I wrote in my other posts. I have been beyond patient, following Mellissa's advice etc but seems like the situation improves only very slightly, certainly not enough to come cloe to meeting my needs. This has been so stressful that my body is starting to breakdown under the stress.
I don't see a problem with ultimatums especially since it's me that's footing the bill financially and emotionally. I wasn't put on this earth to be his servant and I don't think it's very realistic to expect me to just be ok with what he does regardless of what the effect is on me just because he has ADHD. I think giving almost 3 years just to get him to take meds reflects my level of patience here.
spaceystacy1975....the year I graduated high school ;)
Submitted by c ur self on
You can't let your desire to change him be your down fall, you do not deserve to put yourself under such stress, no human being was created to withstand it...Your husband is who he is, if he changes, it will be because he sees he the need to and what opens any of our eyes to our needs is love. After our separation (11 months) I realized I could never fix add/adhd or any "you got to be kidding me" behaviors in my wife...But, I could live responsibly and if that meant living like she doesn't exist as for as day to day responsibilities then that's what I do...I could have walked away and if my wife was doing some of the things you say about your husband, i probably would have...But, I felt she wanted to happy just as I did, we just didn't know how...But, because of LOVE, we are learning....Sorry if I was hard on you...just trying to get you to see you need peace...Every husband was created to be a responsible leader who gives his life for his wife...and every wife was created to be his helpmate...I suggest you and your husband see a Christian Counselor and see if your husband would desire to change if truth is spoken to him by a responsible third party...I am so sorry you are being forced to live without a husband...based on your posts, that's what is happening...But, please see ur self...Don't let your view of what you think life could be like if he would only change cause you to be angry and bitter...you need peace and God's love for you doesn't hinge on what no one else does even your husband...Blessings...
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I told my husband last night that he has to convince me by October to not file for divorce. That as of right now - I am going to file in October (I havent YET but I will). If he can show me that he wants this marriage and will work to keep and protect it I wont file, I am not asking for perfection by October - or ever actually, just need to see that he is making an effort and stepping things up. If he cant show me between now and then - well I have my answer. I told him he can use the time between how he wants. He can spend it hanging with friends, playing video games, concentrating on his sports - all up to him. But I wont wait around forever for him to figure out if I am important to him or not.
Good For You
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
I only wish I could have the strength to not only do something like that, but to then hold up my promise. I just don't understand why it's so difficult for me to "let go", when most of the times it seems he has never "held on". I wish you the best possible outcome to this difficult and sensitive situation. Know that I understand you and respect what you have done, considerably.
The Dread Pirate Roberts
Submitted by kellyj on
Stacey.... I don't think you are spacey at all actually. I actually think you've been very patient from the sound of it. I also think you are right. People do what they are going to do at the end of the day. I watched my parents live out a marriage that had no spark to it... no love or affection and everyday was Ground Hog day....over and over again. Living in resignation is not good for you. I should know. You accept the crumbs off the table as if they're some special treat and never consider that there may be something else out there for you even if he's completely content with the way things are.
I can tell you this much from what I've learned from the past and being married before. It won't be better...it will be different. The grass is not greener even if it's a different shade than the one your use to. What will be better...is not being co-dependent yourself. That will happen again...if you don't change no matter who you pick in the future if this is what you've decided to do. It's really easy to make the same mistakes you made in the past...by applying the same thinking from where you are now...and dreaming of something better.
Better as far as I can tell....only happens from inside you.
Honestly...what I have really been fighting against with my wife is co-dependence not her. If I hadn't changed before I met my wife....I would be right back in the saddle again. If you really want a better future for yourself IMHO....you need to change hats and try a new one on....with...or without your husband. I say "with" only in terms of what you want for yourself. If you need someone else to make you feel important or special...I think this is dangerous trap to pursue just as a precaution to think about?
No matter where you go or who you are with..there you are. You will be taking "you" with "you".... no matter "what?" "What" I have discovered myself from all my attempts to "get it right"....if you can't "get it right" for yourself first...no one will ever do do that for you.
My T told me a wise piece of advise a long time ago that I still apply everyday. He said "no matter who you are with or where you are...you should always be able to walk away....everyday." Taking one day at a time and making it the best you can, you'll always now by walking out the door each day with a paycheck from yesterday....you'll get another one tomorrow for each day you put in the work to earn it. I just made that one up here on the spot... but it sounds pretty good to me? It is how I see things mostly.....I just never really spelled it out before!! lol
The story of The Dread Pirate Roberts reminded me of this:) https://youtu.be/aHZGqBVBCRw
The memory issues make me see
Submitted by lauren07 on
The memory issues make me see RED. It is SO frustrating and just plain hurts.
Mine never lost sexual interest in me (the opposite!), but he was completely inconsiderate of me AND lost his passion. I began to hate sex or affection with him.
I really hope yours can make a decent turn around.