If I could just get 'something' then EVERYHING wouldn't drive me nuts


I feel the same way!

We live in a small city, my yard sounds a lot like yours except instead of cars its lumber, trailers, and trash from job sites (he's a carpenter). We get tickets and go to court all the time about my adhders mess (city violation). You would think that always paying out $60 fines for his mess he would get a clue to clean it up (and keep it clean) I have become bitter about it too. When I complain about it I'm just "being a hag". I am at a loss as to what I can do about it. The frozen hose connected to the house is classic adhd/add (it happens every year at my house). Good luck too us both.

Update (not good)

Last week I got a ticket in the mail from the city because our trash can was left in the front yard for 36 hours after trash day (the law is no more than 24 hours). I had been sick and reminded my hubby to take the can out back but he forgot (adhd). So since my name is first on the deed to the house guess who has to go to court (me). Here is the kicker, today I got another ticket in the mail from the city. This time it is because my hubby cleaned out the shed (finally) and placed all the trash in a trailer out back near the ally. He did this Dec 23 and didn't take the trailer straight to the landfill, we were busy over the Christmas weekend (the landfill wasn't even open). So bet you cant guess who got the ticket and has a second court date for creating a public nuisance (ME!) To top it off the second court date is during my once a week three hour class. If I miss that class its like missing a whole week of class. I went to the court house and tried to change the court date and explained the situation but they don't care. I'm so mad about this! But of course my loving husbands motto is "lets not focus on what happened, lets focus on how to fix it" BS! I do see his point, however, if he would "focus" before there is a problem then we wouldn't have the problem! DUH! So what am I going to do about it? That's right......NOTHING! I can bitch all day about it and get no where. I can't take care of the problem my self unless I paid someone to do it and I'm broke. Ether way it wouldn't change the fact that I am being charged for creating a public nuisance for what he failed to take care of.

That would be

That would be infuriating...and the worst part is, that you don't seem to have any recourse. Did you ask the court if he could go in your place? Can you just pay the ticket and not go to court? (and make him pay, of course?)

My husband was the slowest driver in the world...to the point that it would annoy me sometimes...but I tried very hard not to say anything. In the past year he has decided that speeding is the way to go and has gotten 2 tickets in the last 6 months. One was by a speed camera, in my car, so the ticket came TO ME in MY NAME and I had no choice but to either pay it or fight it saying it wasn't me. If I wasn't willing to rat out the driver, then I was still legally responsible for the $90 ticket. So, either way, we're out $90. I understand it could happen to anyone...could happen to me tomorrow...but I am growing increasingly worried about him not paying attention to his speeds and the speed limits. His job requires he maintain a good driving record, not to mention we cannot afford $100 speeding tickets.

I'm so sorry...I wish there were someway you could put this responsibility back on his shoulders.

I'm So Exhausted re: "if I could just get something..."

Yes, exactly.  That is EXACTLY how I feel also.  So many "if...then" issues:

If he wouldn't yell at me for reminding him, then I wouldn't be so upset about him forgetting everything.

If he didn't trash the garage, then I wouldn't be so angry about the yard.

And on and on, ad nauseam.  They don't cut us any breaks, do they?  

I realize that these unfinished projects and heaps of junk are physical manifestations of his internal chaos. And I know that he, too is overwhelmed by the unfinished tasks piling up, one atop another.  Still.  I wish he just TALKED about it, rather than DEMONSTRATED it.

Same internal chaos reflected

Same internal chaos reflected in external messes here...

It is a way of thinking, and a pattern that is so hard to break...it seems like you're dealing with the chronic case of "the world revolves around me and only me". I see that some with my husband (ADHD) but not to this extreme. It has really been one of the hardest things to 'fix' because he truly doesn't see it that way.

The other night it is 11 p.m. I am exhausted...usually awake by 5 a.m. or so..even if I'm not 'up'. I go to crawl into bed after getting everything settled. He's on the bed cleaning a guitar. "Will you go cut me up some cheese and bring me some crackers too, please?" I suppose the look on my face gave away that I was disgruntled with his request...but I went and did it.

"thank you for the cheese and crackers, I don't know why you got upset when I asked you to get them for me" Really? '_'

I said "because it is 11 o'clock and I am exhausted" "Ok, honey...sorry" I love him and do not mind bringing him the occasional beverage or plate of something to eat but there are times that I do wish I felt a little more consideration for my feelings when it comes to his timing..and maybe just occasionally get something for yourself? You don't dare make mention of it, although I will tell him "hey, I'm frickin tired here!", because this would be construed as me not ever wanting to do anything for him ever again and me not loving him. Sigh.

That's OK I suppose...I thought about this when I asked him to go out in the blizzard last night to get a pizza and me some chocolate. he he he.

Blizzard Pizza

Wow we do this same dance all the time... We bought an older house in the country because the house I had when we got together had neighbors that were too close (according to him)... but honestly the 40 acres we bought with a house that needs repairs was not the answer (i can see that now) and with all the "junk" in the yard and all the scattered ness of this and that it just gets overwhelming to me... and I do get angry... I too believe that if he could just clean up something... ANYTHING... then I would feel a little less angry... but you hit the nail on the head... its one new mess after another and the more that keep piling on the more anger I keep building and to the point where I feel angry all the time now... I pay my older children to clean up the mess which benefits the kids because they earm money and learn work ethic, but it only enables my husband more (I think)

Its as simple as even when my husband decides he is tired and wants to go to bed, he just gets up and goes.... no matter what is going on... so he leaves the "shut down" of the house to me... which would include... stoking the fire, (we only have wood heat) shutting and locking the gates to our acreage (we were robbed in 09 so I am paranoid now) and locking up the house, bringing in the dog, setting the alarm, shutting all the lights in the house off blah blah blah... then when I get to bed, its about 11 pm or so... I need to get up at 5 am for work and then since he has been in bed for at least an hour or so (cat nap I guess) he wants to "get frisky" and I am just plain exhausted... again... same conversation... you don't love me, why don't you ever want me anymore, why does it take you so long to come to bed, why can't my needs get met... UGH...

I love him too... and I will do a lot of things for him, and it just seems like he is oblivious to anything around him... will this get better???

These are communication

These are communication issues...because there is no way you could explain to him what you just said..and why it bothers you..and get him to 'hear' that you're just saying "take 20 mintues before you saunter up to bed carefree and lock the gates, let the dog in, set the alarm, etc" and I would be MUCH happier and MUCH more receptive of your advances. This is where counseling helps. This is where creating charts and agreements is vital to creating a more peaceful environment.

Also, although it might be enabling your husband to pay someone else to clean up the yard you have to weigh the options...will it ever get done? Maybe if you can get into counseling and get him to 'get it' maybe he'll start helping, if not you have to just decide if it is worth the added stress and if you can get it done, then do it. Maybe suggest he give up some of his blow money to help cover the cost of paying someone else.