I just don't get how to stop wrong-making


Dear Exhausted - I feel your

Dear Exhausted - I feel your hurt and I understand where you are at.   My ADD spouse and I have been together for 25 years and he was found to be ADD about 3 years ago. You are not alone. I also do not get how to stop the wrong making. I see as you do that if someone isn't taking responsibility in life issues how is that not wrong. I feel that part of this is that we (the non ADD person) have taken on more and more responsibilities through the years (out of need for those items to be handled) and our world is built on fulfilling responsibilities and schedules and structure - its how we live to deal with our lives - its a must. And to see someone not handling what they said they would do, is unacceptable. I guess its those two world colliding again.  And for me its not wanting to be right - Id love to be able to honestly say, I was wrong about "XYZ" and you were right/handled it right/made the right decision.  But those opportunities are few and far between - I do make sure to point them out to him with glee! 

I wish I could offer more to you. But I offer you support and understand and prayers for better days to come.

Not alone - but frustrated too!

This is my first post on this site. Something in your post just really struck a cord with me. So much that you said parallels my life. 

My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD at 45. The really ironic part is his Dad is a psychologist and it never crossed his mind that his son has ADHD. Probably because the more time I spend with him and my brother in law - the more I realize that they probably have it too!

It took me ending up in therapy for depression before my husband would even entertain the idea that there might be something "real" causing my anger and depression. It was so cyclical! He still refuses to admit that his ADHD has anything to do with our marriage problems. We've been in counseling since March and nothing changes - nothing changes long term! We'll discuss something, he promises he'll work on it and for a week or so he does.... then it just gets forgotten.

He tells me all the time that he's not doing it to hurt me - and in the very next breath, he denies that he did (or didn't) do anything wrong. It is always me - overreacting, expecting to much, being stubborn.

I do not know how much I can take. My mother was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and I missed several of our appointments helping her with everything. I was hoping it would actually help because our counselor said that she could work one on one with my husband on techniques to help with the ADHD.

The very first session back - all I heard from him was that I wasn't trying, that I wasn't doing the work. I flipped. This has happened so many times I cannot count. I know that everyone sees things differently - but he's not seeing at all. He seriously thinks he's the best husband a girl could ask for. The counselor thinks we should start coming two times a week. When am I supposed to do that, I had a hard enough time carving out the one appointment - I guess if I had a husband who would help, be consistent and reliable - I could find the time.

I cannot even start to think about the effect that all of this is having on our little boy. I e-mailed him several links to articles from this web site and his only response was "yeah, I read them - but that's not how I feel at all." I tried and tried to explain, that he was right - he isn't the one feeling this way, that I am. It came back to me not trying, not helping, not being understanding .....

I guess what I am trying to say in my rambling is - I understand the crush, I understand the hurt, the frustration, the feeling of time wasted. You are not alone - we are like so many spouses on this web site!

I told my Mom that I tied a knot in the end of my rope tight enough to get me through the holidays. I don't know what is going to happen after that.