I just don't know anymore.

Hello everyone, my first post in the forums.  My situation is a little complex, but I'm going to do my best to sum everything up as short as possible.

We've been together almost 3 years, became engaged pretty early, it was definitely instant love.  Our chemistry was great, he liked my sense of humor and I liked his smile.  We didn't see eye to eye future-wise right off the bat, but these things came to be.  Basically it took me two years of gentle pushing to get him to get his GED (high school dropout, 19 at the time we hooked up, I was 21).  He was diagnosed in 2012 with ADD/ADHD (not quite sure which his doctor settled on, but both were labeled as a possibility), and prescribed ritalin, which sometimes he would take, others he would sell.

When we hooked up he had a serious problem with pot.  I don't mind occasional use, I personally would rather see someone roll up a joint that shoot up a bag or smoke crack, but I guess that's just my perception.  I got him away from that slowly, and although he still smokes frequently, it is no longer day to night, and he works.

We had an apartment together for no more than 6 months, the reason we lost it was that we were in a car accident, were fired for missing a day because of the car accident (we both worked the same place through a temp agency, there was a company takeover in place and they were looking for reasons to fire people), and had to explain to the landlord that we wouldn't be able to pay the rent, and we were leaving early.  I thank God that I had worked so much overtime the week before that I was able to pay the entire next months rent and pay the fee required for breaking the lease.

Anyways, lets backtrack a little.  While we were living at the apartment there was a lot of fighting.  I would cry lots and sometimes get angry, he would get angry and throw his cellphone at the wall and everything.  He never laid a hand on me, and visa versa.  However, I find later that my moodswings were caused most likely by bipolar disorder ii.  I've been carrying this diagnosis for a while now, and blamed myself for our fighting and his outbursts.  I went to counseling, was put on proper meds, and ever since then I've carefully thought everything I say before I say it, and if I slip up at all I apologize right off the bat, explain myself, and take full responsibility for my words.

Time marches on.  I noticed that under times of stress, he snaps.  I start to realize that although a lot of it was probably my fault earlier,  I've done nothing to trigger these episodes.  I'm sure I'm not perfect, but I definitely do think of what I say before I say it, and do everything I can to be as straightforward as possible.  I do not raise my voice, get defensive/offensive, anything like that.  Counseling taught me that this was NOT the best way to communicate, so I just don't do it anymore.

I actually make him breakfast often, give him back/shoulder rubs almost every night, do his laundry, make the bed, and tell him how special he is to me every day and am still just as affectionate as I've been since we first got together.  Basically I do everything I can to make him feel special and to show him how appreciated he is.

Fast forward a little bit.  He has a few episodes, I cry a lot, but we work through them.  A few months of peace go by.  It was pretty awesome.  He decides to further his education, which makes me incredibly proud!  The day he talks to financial aid, he explains to me that either he lives on campus (which is far away, and even if I weren't in the picture he didn't want to live with 3 18-year-old roommates) and his loans cover it, he lives off campus and pays for everything himself, OR we get legally married, we can live together, AND the loans will cover it.

Needless to say, I'm excited!  I mean, even though it wouldn't be a ceremony, and it would just be paperwork for now, just knowing I'd be a Mrs to the love of my life just made me ecstatic.  But...no glee from him.  No excitement.  Just a 'whatever' kind of response like 'okay I'll make a few phone calls and we'll get everything figured out.'  And to be honest?  That really hurt.  Basically I didn't say anything at first, just kind of moped and hinted at how it doesn't feel really special to him or anything.

The following day I cry some more, I know it sounds pathetic but this is not how I wanted this news to go.  'Oh hey we're getting married soon, that's all.'  I didn't get a single 'Wow I'm really excited to get married to you.'  This day, and getting married, is something I was looking forward to for a long time.  It's like I wanted the hugs and kisses and giggles and happiness and stupid butterflies in the stomach feeling and 'i love you'.  No.  It was just 'oh okay let's do that then.'

He asks me whats wrong, I try to explain as kindly as possible.  And then...he flew off the handle.  Instantly anger and insecurity took hold.  I know he's got issues from his early life, and I've TRIED to get him to seek counseling, but I know not being on his medication isn't helping.  Basically  he had no empathy with me at all.  I don't think I've ever been sadder in my life, especially how I was bawling my eyes out over how excited my future-husband seems to be about getting married to me.

I can honestly say that the cruelty, the anger, and then afterwards acting like everything was okay, was a step over the line.  I just don't know if I can do this anymore.  Sure, now he's texting me the 'i'm sorry's but I've gotten those before.  I've told him counseling would help years ago, I told him his medication would help months ago, I explained to him that none of us are perfect and perhaps we would both be happier if he became more aware of his anger and found better outlets for his stress.  I KNOW he's stressed.  About school, about starting his own life and career path, but if that stress is enough to leave his 'future wife' completely alone; no, even yell at her for being upset over something so intimate...I just don't know if this is worth it anymore.

I am so very upset and I don't know what to do.  I've never been so hurt in my life.  This is completely awful.